Running for home

Well it has been a good 5 weeks here in Costa Rica. I am really proud of kerianne and myself for navigating our way around a country that is predominantly spanish. The language barrier has been a tough and fun thing. I once spent about 15 minutes trying to say, yes I would return the key in the morning when we leave. That was frustrating but funny. So in three short days we will be heading home to start this new adventure called life. Hahaha, or as some of you have put it "the real world" (oh ya before i forget again, you "real world" people suck!).

Both of us are tired and relaxed at the same time. I think we are both ramping up for painting and moving and trying to find jobs. Man, the real world blows. I hate looking for a job. I have no problem working, I´m not lazy, but looking for a job is a personal pet peeve of mine. It is a frustrating experience. It is almost like a singles party where everybody is sizing eachother up. The difference is, at this party everyone is sizing you up and asking themselves whether you´re good enough for them. That is tough. It isn´t always like that, but a lot of the time it is. Then you go through the first couple of dates that are awkward cause you don´t know the job, and are trying to prove yourself a hard worker even though you don´t know what to work hard at. Ahhh, hate it.

Anyway, now that that´s of my chest....I´m looking forward to going home. Hmm, home. Feels good to say that. Since highschool i never really felt at home anywhere. Nor was I around in any one spot long enough to call it home. But this is somehow different. Kerianne is home to me now. And that is something I have felt for a while before we were married. But now i get to share a tangible home with her and i am looking forward to that.

Obviously there will be challenges. Like our bathroom size. It´s small. And Kerianne´s love for jewellery and clothes. She´s got lots. And the fact that I will probably be sitting naked eating cereal out of a salad bowl with a fork (because that was the only thing that was clean and I have to do laundry and thought that the obvious solution would be the naked salad bowl combo), yelling my face off at the hockey game on t.v. when Kerianne brings a friend over to see the place. HAHAHAHAHA!!! I know that i am gonna get asked not to do this when kerianne reads this, and i also know that she will probably get mad at me when i say i can´t help it, but hey...what´s an adventure without a little naked breakfast at 6 pm? Is there such a thing? I think not. She won´t agree.

So here i stand as we embark on this new adventure.... ready and waiting to do my part.... and pull my own weight....all the way over to the couch where i will inevitably be found eating cereal naked in front of the oilers home opener.

They´rrrrrrrrrre Greeeaaaat!!!!

ya...but life gets in the way sometimes

So I have been thinking recently about surfing a lot. I still totally suck, but it is only the last day of surfing that i did, when i finally started to understand what i needed to do. And it worked...merciful heaven it worked! I actually caught a few waves the way you are supposed to. I think that i finally understand what i need to do at what time. You get this feeling... you move this way. It felt great! And most of all it left me thinking, "i want more of this....much, much more".
But I´m married now. My life is not my own, and my fear is that the feeling i get when I am out on the ocean is over... because i have to grow up now. That is what happens when you get married. Your dreams die. You will have to claw and fight just to keep one of the dreams you already had....new dreams?....forget about it.

But it is a new dream and it is exhilirating. For anyone who has not done this, i don´t expect you to understand. But for those of you who have, especially those of you who follow Christ, you probably are feeling me at your core. One of my friends said that "it doesn´t matter who you´re with, when you are paddling in for a wave it is just you, the ocean, and your board". And he is right, there is something inherently pure about sitting on the ocean waiting for the next set. It is the isolation and relaxation I have been craving for the last 6 months. It is as good as being alone on the rink at 3am with nothing but a street light to show you the net, and nothing but the sound of a stick slapping a puck to break the silence. It is in these moments that I feel whole. I feel at one with the things around me and my Creator. I realize that sounds really hippy-ish but it is true. It is simple, and pure, and I love it.

I was left with the feeling that i want to surf again, but this voice in my head said, "you´re married now, you´re gonna have a job and a wife...and a kid before you know it, and you´re never gonna be able to get away like this again." And i believed that voice to. I believed every word. That is what other people in my life had said to me. Not directly, but they were saying it. Anytime you here someone say, "wow, that is young to be getting married" or "you guys are really young to be married", what they are actually saying is "Wow, i really would have wanted to live more before i shut down and commited to becoming my parents".

So it was with tears in my eyes that i confessed all of this to God and then later to my wife. I don´t want to just give up on things that make me feel alive. I want my passions to be realized. I don´t want to settle. Don´t let the nay-sayers in my life speak truth. Let them be liars and haters, but don´t let them be right. If they are right, then i am done. Emotional shut down. For what is life without dreams?

Kerianne spoke to me that day. And i believe she was speaking with God in her words. She said that life doesn´t end when your married. We both have dreams and she didn´t intend to give up on hers. That was one of the reasons she was hesitant about marriage in the first place. I reassured her that her dreams don´t fall away like sand in the wind when we get married. That´s not what marriage was...it was the opposite. Now she had someone to help her realize those dreams. An assistant, a coach, a fan. And in Kerianne´s words that was the message that came through: "For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you, and not to harm you."

After that conversation i realized that my dreams were important and didn´t need to be swallowed. I also realized that as long as i have Kerianne, I´m living my biggest dream anyway. My cup runneth over.

Costa Rica

So, today i met two travellers. We spent some time talking about both our travels here in Costa Rica. It was amazing to hear how negative some people can be about travelling in a tropical country. The worst day in Costa Rica is probably going to still be better than my best day at work. I don´t want to take travelling for granted because i see it as an opportunity to see the world. To see different peoples, culture, environment & animals. That i think is a priviledge and to expect any country to cater to my expectations of what it should be is just naive. Short blog but that´s all i´ve got to say.

And the funny thing is...

For quite a while now I have been saying that i was going to take a walk to try and spend some time with God. I still haven´t done that, but tonight i found myself talking to my wife about how i felt about God. I really do miss him. I feel that i am about half alive right now, and have been that way for about 6 months. My sad times aren´t as sad, my angry times are not as angry, my joys are not as joyful, and my life....hmm....my life? Well, my life is not as full. Like it is missing something big or important. I feel like somewhere along the way i lost something or was fragmented or walked down a side road because it looked interesting...after a while of choosing interesting looking side roads I forgot why i was even walking, or where I was going in the first place.

So tonight i was thinking about that. I was thinking about how much more alive i feel when I am around Jesus, getting to know him, reading stories about him, thinking about him. I just feel that there is a part of my life that is inaccessable right now. Like I have had my life restricted like a go-cart engine. When i am pursuing my relationship with God I feel more like life is full throttle again...like the feeling you get right after you get smashed by a wave your trying to ride. You`re hurting, but part of you feels happy and satisfied just because you're out there. There is something that feels great about being in the situation where you can get beat up and lose, and a little voice that follows all of the thoughts of regret and 20/20 hindsight that says, "ya...maybe...but at least your out there!". Next thing you know you win one or catch a wave and it confirms that fact that it is worth it to be out there.

That is how it feels. When I am in relationship with Jesus it feels like I am out there...like everything else is just me sitting on the beach talking about what that guy could be doing better and what this guy is doing wrong. That is so easy to do, and some people are right about their observations, but they`re still on the beach...talking. I found myself wanting to feel that alive again tonight. Wanting that peace about being thrashed once in a while that only comes after you ride something out. Not that God is my adrenaline rush. He is the guy that gives you the cool short cut tip, the guy that picks you up and actually makes you believe that you can get back out there, that guy that seems to live with the knowledge that there is something greater out here than what I see. I don't feel that God is withholding this quality of life that i am speaking about back from me, it's more like it is just inaccessible without him. Like going swimming in the bath tub...maybe it'll do but it is a poor substitute for the lake.

So I'm thinking about all of this and really missing God, and I realize that I'm needing love. I'm needing love on my honeymoon...3 weeks after another human being that knows far too much about me to make an uneducated decision has promised to love me for the rest of my life! Kind of weird. But it is not good for man to be alone, right? I agree. Kerianne will never be enough. While i was designed for a relationship with her, it will never make up for a relationship with Jesus. I love her but, she just isn't that person, nor could she be.

At this point it feels pretty hopeless because it has been quite awhile since i have interacted with God. The funny thing is this is how i interact with God. These long thought patterns. The quiet moments when I think about how much i need Him. If that isn't worship, I don´t know what is. So i started the night feeling really distant from God, and through my thinking about how distant we were, he pulls me closer. Because now i don´t feel distant. I don't think that i am "out of the woods" or "back on track", but it is a step in the right direction...it is standing up on the beach and walking toward the ocean again. And it feels good. I have a big smile on my face and a hyper, excited voice in my head saying "Man, I´m in trouble!!!".

This is the first time that I have felt safe in my travels here in Costa Rica/ Panama. I feel at peace. And so I continue in the knowledge that there are beatings to be taken and thrashings to accept, but there will be joys and smiles, laughter and play. I'm ready.

Hahaha....I'm ready.

dreams

So here i sit in Peurto Viejo, Costa Rica, the ocean blowing in on the rocks just outside the door of the little tourist shop I'm in (that happens to have a computer) with a full stomach and mind. Today i spent the day riding a bus to get here, and I was wondering if riding the bus might do everybody a little good once and a while. It seem that the bus creates an opportunity to mull things over. It gives you time to think about stuff that is happening to you in your life. I guess it gives you time to process. It is pretty much like having a limo driver take you everywhere....there is just a lot more people in the limo. So I'm sitting on the bus thinking about life when I realize something. I think about stuff that stresses me out from time to time. Especially in the quiet moments. It is almost as if i cannot get away from the daily grind. The chaos. The infinate distraction. I would be a lot better off if i just sat on the bus and looked around at the beautiful people beside me. Watched the homes go by and wonder what the people in each house are living like, thinking about, dreaming about. That's more like it. That is what i should be doing on the bus. I should be dreaming. I should be thinking about a time when I can relax and not let the pressures of life flood in and ruin the beauty and wonder that one day can hold. I want to dream while I am awake. As i told a friend, "Quit thinking and start living". We let worries cloud our decisions so often. We back away from dreams in the face of "what if's". I think I am going to try to sleep while I am sleeping and dream while I am awake from now on. Not all the time but a little each day, and definitely more than I am worrying. Maybe dreams are the opposite of worries. That is a question for another time. Until then I'll leave you with this:

"dreams are born in the hopes of an awaken man, because those who do not dream, do not know how to live. Wake up and dream"

Stumbled upon something wonderful

So, this morning I was writing a post card to my nephews dylan and dustin. This was my first post card to my nephew dustin. I always write Dylan when I travel somewhere and try to send him unique, amuzing, or meaningful postcards. I was actually writing my nephew Dylan before he was born. This being the first time that i was out of country since dustin was born, I thought it fitting to include him in the tradition, and was excited to do so.

This morning however i was troubled by my feeling disconnected with dustin. I was racking my brain trying to figure out why I felt so connected to Dylan and not dustin. "Well I have had almost 2 years to develop a relationship with Dylan that must be it", I thought, but that wasn't quite cutting it for me. I remembered feeling connected with dylan even before he was born...why don't i feel that way with dustin when he is coming up on 6 months soon?

Then it hit me. I was acting like I loved Dylan before he was even born. Now by acting I do not mean "faking it", I simply mean that my actions were showing that I loved him regardless of what my emotions were telling me. I felt connected with dylan when i first saw him after he was a month or so old... I felt that there was an established relationship with him. And there most defintiely was. Here's the kicker. I taught myself to love dylan through my actions. I thought about getting him post cards, what i was going to write, what i was going to pray....none of it came out of love...it was just something that i wanted to do, but i wasn't moved with passion to do it...i just did cause i thought it might be cool to look at when he got older. But because i was intentionally thinking about him and praying for him, love started to grow. So it wasn't so much love that created my actions but the opposite...my actions created love.

So why don't I feel that connection to my nephew dustin? Because I have not stepped out in action. Not because i didn't care but because i didn't think of it. I didn't think of writing either one of them because i had been in canada for the last 2 years. But now i see that God puts love in our hearts through our actions. I have felt love for people before acting like it as well. SO i do believe that it happens in the reverse... but for some reason or another i just never considered the fact that by acting like i loved someone, I would grow genuine, authentic, and powerful love for them. It may be old news to most of you guys but it is an epiphony for me. The next time I am faced with a situation where i have to deal with someone i don't like and am getting frustrated with them and myself for not being more like Jesus, i will start acting like i love them and watch God make that desire a reality. This is going to be a powerful tool for me. I hope that maybe it might help someone else as well.

honey moon!!!! ... honeymoon?

So here i sit in a treehouse style internet cafe, typing away on a computer. The world has really come a long way. The first little while of the honeymoon here in Costa Rica has been good. We chilled out on a beach for the last 4-5 days and everything was pretty laid back. I think we both needed some down time after the frenzy was over. By the way, God is good. He has blessed us well beyond anything we were thinking through our wedding and we are very, very grateful. In a month I´ll tell you a few of the "coincidences", but for now, honeymoon...or la luna de miel. I´m trying hard to pick up as much spanish as i can while i am here, much to Ker´s annoyance sometimes (i answer her questions in spanish to practice). So far only small gains have been made but i´m getting there.

On a different note, the honeymoon experience is probably not at all what every guy thinks it is. It has been up there for most frustrating experience in my life. For any of my unmarried friends reading this, do not expect the door to be opened wide no holds barred after you get married. It is a slow and ardous process that will drive you nuts if you are eagerly anticipating "leaping like a young calf from the gate". Like everything else this is not something to be rushed...which was a mutual decision of Ker and I, and it wasn´t at all tolerated by me, it was embraced......however, having told myself that i would wait for that day (for almost 25 years) and that i was almost there, almost there, so close hang in there, when i got to that day i guess i subconciously assumed i would never want for anything like that again. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Life is funny sometimes...in a "you just got kicked in the junk" kind of way. Ker has been great about everything! I now know that in reality you do not get married and turn part rabbit. Maybe in the movies, not real life. So once again the learning curve starts, and fortunately Kerianne is an amazing woman and keeps us both laughing about it and in good spirits. Ahhh, la espousa mi amor. I truly have been blessed. Having been one of the first men in my group of male friends to get married, I intend to prophesy unto them, that they may prepare their hearts and minds for that day that awaits all of them. hahahaha, really laying on thick there eh? Ah well, until then PURA VIDA everyone!!!

* pure life