Man of God

So I have been avoiding reading my friend Justin's e-mails. My wife said that they would make me want to travel, so i have not read them. They were also really long, so I have not read them.
Tonight I read them...all of them. And it is not the travel bug that is poking at me. It is Jesus. In justin's e-mails he speaks of a life that is touching others, a life that is sacrificing, a life that is making a difference. Justin has been in Guatemala on missions with some friends that live there. Reading the e-mail does make me want to travel, but it makes me want to be justin more than anything. Justin is the greatest example of "a man of God" I have ever seen in my life. If Justin isn't going to heaven, then anyone I have ever met is going to hell. I know that is harsh but it is also truth.
Justin and I weren't all that diferent once. We were in the same school...twice. We worked the same job...for 4 summers together. We both were passionately and diligently seeking God. Now look at me.
I still have the drive to do something like justin is doing somewhere deep inside me. But there is this nagging voice that has been saying "too late buddy, that ship has sailed, and you weren't on it. You missed the boat." That voice sounds holds more truth with everyday that passes. You see when you so something like that, something that is so much bigger than you, or the country your in, or the work you do...when you do something like that, you feel centered. Like you are doing exactly what you were supposed to be doing with that day, with that season, with your life. How many of you feel that way? Like you are doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing? Like you are where God wants you to be? Like you are contributing to humanity? I'm not trying to make any of you depressed. You have to understand that I am not even that... down. It isn't like what I am feeling is saddness. It is longing. I long to be a part of something bigger than myself again.
A friend of mine once asked me what happened to us. When i asked what he meant he said, "Well, we were both here together, and now look at where I am, and look at where you are".The worst part about it is that I knew exactly what happened to us. I continued to make God a priority in my life, and he didn't. I have never been able to relate to him more than right now.
So i sit here looking at the picture in front of me, with me and justin in a group of people smiling away, and I wonder, what happened to us? What happened to the guy that thought he could be called one of God's friends? What happened to the person that thought that he might be able to pass for a "man of God"? Is there any way back there? That person took years and years to shape and make. Have I thrown all that away?
You want to know that question that scares me the most?
What am I willing to give up to get back there?

~Drifter

Backside 360

Sorry i haven't been writing for a long time guys. I just haven't felt like it. I don't really have much to say. I went snowboarding again today with my cousin and my buddy joe. I cased my head while trying to do a backside 360. I'm fine, I've had concussions before and this wasn't a concussion. Just a headache. I don't know why but i cannot stick this trick. I'm wondering if I am simply not comfortable enough on my board yet to start doing this stuff. I want to be like this dude up here, but i cannot do it for some reason. IT always feels like i'm going to catch an edge right before i go off, or like my arms don't want to wind up and spin me. I don't know. Maybe i should stick with learning ground tricks and grabs and the little 180's that i'm learning for a while. I have a hard time backing off of stuff though. Really hard.

Which is why my relationship with God should be at a better level than it is. I talked to my cousin about this stuff (among many other things) and he really made me remember how good it was to be in relationship with God. It is great. So why don't i want it? I know that if you do not continually work at something it will naturally deteriorate. That I imagine is what has happened. But i don't feel beyond hope.

My cousins passion for reading the bible really hit me today. He is really benefitting from it and does consider it a necessity just like the bible says. He gave me some advice. He said to start reading topically with what you are feeling right now. Pick a theme and start to search it out. Sounded like a good idea. So I wanted to give that a try. I think I'll start with Ecclesiastes. Maybe i will post my thoughts here. We'll see...anyway I gotta go to bed.

~Drifter