The Breakdown of the Family Unit

Edward Norton taught us that the airline passenger is restricted to a single serving existence. "Single serving sugar, single serving cream, single pad of butter...the people on each flight, they're single serving friends. Between take off and landing we have our time together. That's all we get."
The temptation here is to blame the multi face corporation that owns the airline for perpetuating this individuality, or, to put it more accurately, this self absorption. But that just wouldn't be fair. The truth is that we don't want to talk to the man or woman beside us, because they might be boring, or creepy, or uncomfortable. We don't know that, but we assume. We like things our way. We retreat into our world, where it's easier. We don't want to be bothered. After all it's only a couple of hours. Why would we want to invest time into someone else's life just to say good bye in 2 hours and never see them again? It just doesn't make sense. So, we get off the flight and we go home. We walk in the door and are confronted with bills, or questions, or tasks, or work. And we retreat again. We
turn on the tv, or go into the office, "work" outside in the garage or the yard. Our world, our way.
We have forgotten what community is. We have become so lazy in our culture that we don't even put an effort into relationship anymore. This is what the family has become. A house of individuals with their own things going on. No one is involved with each other because it's easier to just relax. I mean, you earned it, am i right? Nowadays you have to bust your ass so hard to make ends meet that you are entitled to some time to recharge. And how are they going to understand what you are going through today? It wasn't like this when they were this age. Ans so the family spirals down further and further.
I think one of the major factors here is laziness. We're not willing to put work into our relationships, and they wither because of it. It's easier to keep it comfortable. Relationships require work, and community requires solid relationships. Nothing good comes easy. Even orgasms require a little effort. But i can't convince people to work. So I won't try. Instead I'll bring our attention to another factor.
I've been reading a book that talks about differentiation. As i understand it, differentiation is the ability to hold on to your identity while engaging emotionally with other people. If you are too focused on your individuality, you will not engage with other people emotionally for fear of losing something and, because of this, end up without any sustainable relationships of substance. On the flip side, if you are too focused on engaging with other people emotionally, you sacrifice your individuality and become a doormat. That emotional connection takes priority over your other needs. Differentiation would have us live a life that is authentically true to ourselves within relationships with others.
But the problem is that we are not differentiated people. Parents want their role as leader to be so solidified that they see any other opinion as disrespectful. Kids struggle to maintain a relationship with someone who is trying to shape them, when they are exerting the majority of their own energy trying to figure out who they are. The result can be the family unit descending from a cohesive unit to merely a group of individuals in the same dwelling. Can you see how easy it would be to put your own needs above the others in your family this way? How easy is it to justify being selfish and self-absorbed when you believe that you are only protecting yourself. This is yet another way in which we live our lives in fear. It's pathetic really...reacting to some assumed situation never works out in our favor.

So what do we do though, Right? I think it would be a mistake to throw out any attempt at finding our identity or individuality. It would also be a mistake to do everything the people around you want you to do. Maybe all it takes is an effort to remind yourself that you are uniquely you everyday. Maybe that would reinforce our identity enough for us to stop defending something that probably isn't even under attack. Maybe that would free us to engage into emotional connection and subsequently community with the people around us. Having a self-reinforced sense of self might give us the security we desperately need to go confidently into these connections.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Life is Balance. It just so happens that with this balance comes freedom and harmony. I'm not going to agree with those that would have us believe the family unit is being fragmented through outside pressures such as the media or societal influences. I think that the biggest issue the family unit has come up against resides within the dynamics of the family itself. So many of the problems, pressures and influences the family is facing today could be put into perspective and probably resolved through the cohesion that differentiation would naturally bring. If Life is Balance, then Balance is Life. If we can find this balance, we will live more fully.

My bird's eye view

I was cutting some grass today in the rail yard at work. This task is really boring and your mind tends to wander. My mind has as much wanderlust as the rest of me, so it is safe to assume that it was gone for most of the afternoon monotony. As i was working my way to the other end of the yard I was surprised by a pigeon that I almost hit with my weed wacker. It looked back at me while trying to limp away with its wings. Both of the bird's legs were broken and it seemed as if one of the wings may have been broken as well. I am not a fan of pigeons. I view them as bags of disease that grew wings and took flight, trying to crap on anything worth aiming at on their way to the next redundant rendezvous. But, on this occasion for whatever reason, I couldn't help but feel sorry for it. The sight also evoked some basic instinct to "put it out of its misery" . It was the unhindered arrival of that little line that made me think.

Two years ago, maybe even 6 months ago, I would have put that bird to death rather than watch it suffer. But lately I have been wondering what right I have to snuff the life out of anything. I feel differently if I am going to eat it. The death then gives life and seems to fit with the example i see in nature. But to just kill things to end their suffering seems to fall in a grey area for me. Life is taking on this reverence for me right now. I just don't feel like I have any authority or sovereign right to decide which life should continue and which life should end.

So, engine running, bird crawling, i stand there in indecision. I start thinking about how much better it would be for the bird if I do something to give it a quick death, rather than leave it be and let it fall victim to a cat or raccoon which would almost certainly be more painful...not to mention messy. But then my mind, who has rushed back from vacation at the prospect of activity, counters this thought. Am I wanting to put it out of its misery, or put it out of mine. In reality, it is a hard thing to watch. You feel very uncomfortable watching something suffer and are to an extent suffering yourself. So are you trying to do something noble or are you merely trying to return things to a state that you find more comfortable? Is the pigeon having as hard a time as I am? It's not like it can speak up and tell me.

The other problem is that this is not a hospital. This is, for all intents and purposes, the wild. Sure, the wild has a lot more traffic than it used to, and has completely sold out to yuppie coffee houses and discount warehouses, but it's wild nonetheless. Am i interfering with an ecosystem by playing God? What about the starving cat or raccoon? What about my company management...who would see this suffering sideshow attraction as a solid business investment, or, at the very least, a tasty afternoon snack? Is it any less cruel to starve them?


It seems that Life is closing in on us. So many of my friends' parents are at that age (which is in rapid decline) where they start falling victim to cancer, or other debilitating diseases. My generation will have to face this horrific reality head on, and at home. Our Moms and Dads are dying. With so many loved ones getting sick, we must speak with our parents while we can, to find out what they would want. It is important to carefully and aptly dialogue about this so that we can come to an understanding that brings peace or at least clarity.

It's a heavy concept, but heavy times are ahead. So, while you still can, endure the discomfort for a conversation and turn over a few stones...ruffle a few feathers...talk to a pigeon or two.

P.S. If you survive that conversation, hang around and visit. Laugh together.
Love you, Dad.

Dream on... Dreamer

Last night I was in someone´s living room. I don´t know whose place it was but I know that it felt like family. There was a woman and her son there. He was about 7 years old and felt like my cousin or something. Throughout the evening they had been passing around this small baby to those that wanted to hold him or play with him or whatever. It was almost time for me to leave and someone handed me the baby boy. I didn´t shy away or anything...I love babies, so i picked him up gently and put his little head and body on my chest and started to walk around with him. His whole body fit in a little bundle, and he burried his face in my chest. He was awake when i picked him up but as I walked around and softly talked to him (in spanish, I think) he very quickly gave in to sleep. That is when I felt it. The thought descended on me like a waterfall plummeting over the last rocks that provide it a secure and lazy path, and crashed into my mind with full force. "This is my son, whom I love".

I was completely overwhelmed with what rushed in. I felt a bond that i haven´t felt before. That connection with another person where the thought of giving your life for them is not a result of the emotion, but more like a prerequisite to it. It was very clear. My life for his. Obviously. No questions asked. It was this conviction that allowed him to feel instantly safe and then, in familiar arms, fully dependent, fully trusting, he fell asleep.

I never really knew what to say to people when they asked me if i wanted kids. I always gave them the same answer, "well, in 5 years or so". Five years being a short enough time to show that your intentions are there, and a long enough time to keep you from actually commiting any part of yourself to the idea. Don´t get me wrong, i don´t want to start trying this minute, but i also can´t say "in 5 years" with the same laissez faire... the same indifference that i used to. I think my answer will be, "yes, I really do want to have kids. Just waiting for the right time".

Maybe it´s because last night I watched a movie where the protaganist just wants to see his daughter and in the end never gets too. Maybe it is a male version of a biological clock. Maybe it´s because i just woke up and the feeling is still fresh, and the level of consciousness required for daytime functions is just not there yet. Maybe it´s because the magic of Nicaragua is playing with me. Whatever it is, I doubt that I will feel any differently in the coming days. Something has changed. I don´t know what...but something is different. I don´t think that anyone reading this should be interpreting it as "I want kids right now". Because I don´t. But I do want kids. I´ll just wait for the right time.

Why Mr. T is God's messenger

Sometimes life seems so full of pain. This is one of those seasons when it is all around me. I feel like a number on the roulette table. The ball is hitting everyone around me... and if I wait long enough, the odds say that it will find me. It's part of life though right? (insert annoyingly insensitive catch phrase here such as "buck up" or "there, there")

Am I the only one that is scared of this? Scared of the day that pain comes knocking on my door and moves in with me. I dread the day when I find out that I have lost something that is part of what shapes my existence. Is that what makes us "human"... that fear of loss? For some that thing they're so afraid to lose is a mother, for some it's a brother, for some a husband, for some a wife...for some it's a car, or baseball card, or beach body. Regardless of what it is, what do you do with it when it happens? What would you do? Well, I'm not a betting man (except when I'm doing all my betting) but i would guess that I would struggle to find reasons to go on. I would run myself ragged trying to find reason in it. I would disappear...or implode. I would not however bet the farm on my ability to cope with the suffering, or my ability to deal. I can't see how any insight or perspective could come out of pain.
But it does doesn't it?

Why is it that we as humans typically see the most growth, the most development right in the heart of our pain. It is through our hardships that we are shaped. Through our suffering that we change. It is almost as if pain is a necessary component to our changing. Like our own will to change isn't quite enough to get us over that threshold. It's undeniable. Pain is progress. So what is it about humans that requires such a violent shaking of foundations to actually create an environment conducive to transformation. Why do we need the "tough love"?

Maybe part of what makes us human is this addiction to the expected. If we know what is coming, we're comfortable. And I love being comfortable. No changes in character, no shifts in the scenery, no twists in the plot. Sure, we need a little variety now and then, but variety has to be approved by some pencil pusher who hasn't had anything close to a date in a couple of millennia and is intent on feeling powerful that day. So let's just say variety and comfort don't rub shoulders much. Comfort gets so far inside us that it becomes a drug. We'll do anything to keep it, to get more of it. And it takes something like this pain to jar us loose from comfort's grip. Maybe this is what makes us "human". Who explores the wild when they have a deluxe jungle hut with a lazy boy, hot tub, and 60 inch plasma?

And even if you are enlightened enough to not be addicted to comfort and therefore aren't in need of the sobering slap that pain freely offers you, you still have to deal with the fact that you are going to feel pain anyway. Even if it's not your own, you'll probably empathize with someone, and feel it anyway. And why is that necessary? Like your own pain that you'll encounter throughout your life isn't enough. You'll feel someone else's pain as well. And maybe that will be enough to wake you up, maybe that is as close as you need to get to grow.

But if I really were to take a shot at it, if I really were to take a stab in the dark...I'd have to say that it is our ability to walk with others in pain, our natural ability to empathize and walk along side the fallen and broken, and create community within this pain, that makes us "human". It is the reaction to the pain that creates growth. Not the stimulus of the pain, but the reaction to it that gives us the chance to progress. To move closer to a full existence. So I guess I have to embrace the pain, to engage it, to walk with it. All the while knowing that this is life. Life has hardship. Who would have thought that Mr. T, speaking as Clubber Lang, would have delivered such a rich, yet simple prophetic word about life when he said, "Prediction?... Pain." He was warning a generation that there's no way around it. And I have a whole life to figure out how to be okay with pain. To try and accept life as it is and embrace all that it is to be fully human.

The Diva's Gospel

This is another one of those nights where something in your character is revealed to you. Something your ashamed of, something that hurts the people you care most about, something that makes you feel the furthest away from what a "man" is supposed to be. It hasn't been a good night.

I have a friend at work whose girlfriend owns him. We had dinner at their new place a month ago, and I was offended at how keen she was to take every opportunity afforded her to cut my friend down. I started feeling like I should defend him. I even wrestled with the idea of talking to him about this disrespect because it bothered me so much. Now, you have to understand, this is a dangerous conversation. The "You deserve more respect" conversation is drastically close to the "she's a total bitch" conversation. But I was so bothered by this disrespect that i felt obligated to say something.

My brother's fiance does the same thing. It makes me furious. A lot of what she says to him has an undertone, or sometimes an overtone of disrespect in it. Sometimes I feel like shaking her and yelling, "Do you know what a great guy you have! If you spoke life into him, he'd lay it down for you without hesitation!" But I don't know her...so I don't say it. Nevertheless, there is something about seeing the people I care about gettting disrespected that enrages me. Which is why it is so unfortunate that I am a total hypocrite.

You see, tonight I found out that i do that to my wife. My wife? What is wrong with me? The most loyal, gracious, and selfless person i know...the woman that puts me first in everything...the woman that consistently thinks of me...the woman I stood up in front of a hundred people with, and vowed to be a source of life and a refuge for. I disrespect her. This is the point where I would call myself a name, but I find that hating yourself like that rarely changes any of my own behavior or motives. And to be honest, a lot of the time I am displaying this kind of punishment as if it will somehow earn me pardon. So, while i still think it, it has become clear to me that anything short of tangible change is simply inadequate. Even though I am forgoing the usual self deprecation, something 's gotta give.

The question that i have to explore here is "why do I disrespect her?" If someone came and asked me what i thought of Kerianne, I would gush and start at the top of my list of attributes. I certainly wouldn't say, "She's okay...i guess." So why am I displaying the latter and not the former? Well, I think that part of the reason is that I am not aware that I am doing it. I generally speak first and back pedal later, but I am not noticing how implicitly I am disrespecting her sometimes. My level of awareness aside, it is my intentions that unnerve me. The fact that this is occurring at all speaks of something dark in my character that needs dealing with. So there is obviously some more excavation needed to uncover why I am doing it. But that is no excuse for anything. I have no need of excuses...only change.

Which brings me to the next question: How do I change? I want to model the way women should be treated, not model the crap they shouldn't have to put up with. So maybe i need to get back in touch with reality. Because reality puts me in the arms of the person that is shaking me, saying, "Do you have any idea how flippin' lucky you are, buddy?!" And that is where i need to be. In touch with the reality of how unbelievable my wife is, and how lucky I am to be with such and incredible woman. Maybe that is the point of origin for this journey. For good measure, I'll crank some old Aretha Franklin records at the highest volume I can stand. I'll burn this into my head if I have to. I'm gonna start with that and see where it goes. I'll crush this out of my character if it kills me. It is that important. If it is the difference between being a safe place and a refuge versus being a dangerous place of condemnation, then it truly is a matter of life and death.

The Great Deceit

Lately in my church we've been talking a lot about the concept of contempt. All of the sudden it is everywhere for me. Including in me. That would be a useful lens through which to view the rest of this.

The thought that I am better than someone else, or the realization that everyone, and i mean everyone, feels superior on some level to the person next to them, absolutely infuriates me. I feel like looking right in the person's face and asking them just who the fuck they think they are? Sometimes this question is best asked while looking in a mirror.

What gives any of us the right to look at another human being and think that we have it together more, or the best way, or the right answers. Really? At one point you were born, you were put in a crib beside 10 other little babies and you cried and crapped your pants like everyone of them. So at what point did you become superior. Was it at school? Was it on the playground? Was it at work? Wake up. You are human and therefore flawed. You are flawed just as much as the rest of us. You are flawed like a soldier is mortally wounded. And yet we walk around putting nice hats and clothes and designer bandages over these mortal wounds and all politely pretend not to notice. And with that designer bandage in place, we search for the next opportunity to look down on someone from our "higher level".

What is wrong with us? Why is this so blatantly driving so much of our culture. This competition, this pissing contest. I don't give a rip what kind of house you have, or car, or education, or family. If you are using it to try and elevate yourself above the people around you, you are doing yourself a disservice. In our effort to lift ourselves up in this way, we automatically drag ourselves down. Isn't this situation just dripping with irony?

Why do we turn to others to measure ourselves? We have so much fear and insecurity in this society. We are so afraid of being nobody that we try to make the people around us nobodies, as if this will somehow magically make us somebody by comparison. And that is the great deceit...the idea that we can build ourselves up by tearing others down. Who thought of this anyway? Who started this "comparison machine"? There is a serious lack of logic in this master plan. You don't become someone by pushing other people down around you. That will make you something...not someone. We make ourselves someone, we make ourselves special, unique, gifted, by lifting up those around us. By elevating those around us we elevate ourselves. We are all intrinsically connected. In South Africa they call this "ubuntu". The idea that we are all connected. The idea argues that by hurting those around you, you are really doing damage to yourself... and humanity, in it's entirety suffers. It is by giving that we gain, and it is by taking that we lose everything. Where did we get the idea that we needed to be this "someone" anyway? What is that "someone"? Successful? Rich? Beautiful? Desirable? Right? Brilliant?

I would think that being you would be enough anyway. If your not okay with that, and trying to alleviate this problem by trashing someone else, you'll be a bit put off by the result. This will not make you any better, it won't make you more desirable, or beautiful, or successful. On the contrary, it makes you disconnected, ugly, and poor in so many ways.

Think of anyone you have ever wanted to be like. Someone you truly wanted to emulate. If your motives are pure, the person was probably selfless, or well liked, or respected. One of the above at least. It's safe to say that they probably didn't get that by being an ass. So let's drop the fear that controls so many other areas of our lives. We will never attain any value from trying to strip others of theirs.

I know a guy here in abbotsford. I love hanging out with him. I am learning a lot. My favorite thing about him is that he talks to everybody like they are cool. Even the people that definitely wouldn't make the list of what a lot of us would consider cool. He's figured out something very important, and I can see the results of this attitude taking shape in his life. He is well respected, down to earth, and one of those people that you can't hate. One of those people that if you don't like them, there is probably something wrong with you. This is a guy that models Jesus to me. And I am going to soak as much of that in as possible. With the hope that I too can look at others as better not worse. With the hope that this becomes a default... a natural reaction.

2008 thus far

EEEEWWWWWW!!!


This is kind of a quick update on what has been happening in the new year. Kerianne and I went to Winnipeg for Christmas and saw our family and friends. We were there for 2 weeks and then came home to Abbotsford to start the new year. I went to work on New Year's eve...it was my first day back in 2 weeks. I felt pretty good, definitely well rested. Hung out with Kerianne's friend Jocelyn for new year's and then had the 1st off like the rest of the country. Went back to work on the 2nd and lasted about half a day before I blew out my back. I was moving a rail tie (the wood beams under the track) and something just popped in my back. Went to the Chiropractor that day and he said that I had sprained a bunch of muscles in my left lumbar region. Lower back injury...fantastic.

So i have been off of work for the Thursday and Friday of that week, and two weeks since then. The last of which i got food poisoning or a bug of some sort, which made for a couple fun filled days of getting sick. That was a blast. Shortly thereafter both me and Kerianne got sick with something we caught from her niece and nephew. I think Kerianne got the worst of this one though, because she hasn't had a voice for 2 days now.

January just hasn't been my month. However, I didn't ever feel like saying, "why me, Lord" or anything dramatic like that, or even get frustrated, which is what i may have done in the past. Maybe I'm finally growing up...at least enough to not bitch about all the crappy little things that happen. So that is a good sign. All and all, the experience sucked but it wasn't as if it became the temporary lens through which i viewed my life. It was just something that was going on in my life. Now, granted it was just a hurt back, puke-tastic diarrhea, and a cold, but when things hit you in succession like that it gets hard to stay positive. I'm a very negative person (it's all your fault dad ;) ) most of the time , so this was something for me to build on. Because while it is just an injury, flu and cold today, who knows what tomorrow will bring?