I've heard of lot of memorable quotes. Really insightful lines of poetry, song lyrics, prayers, creeds, sermons, speeches...you name it. I have read books about great men who inspired many. A short collection of words that can inpire, and sometimes change your life. Words. And, right now, for some reason...none of them resonate in me more than this, "How much can you know about yourself if you've never been in a fight?"
I've been thinking a lot about this lately. I know that this is not deep or spiritual. But who cares...I'm not spiritual all the time. Most of the time I am just some guy. And this guy has never been in a fight. I have certainly avoided a few though. And that is what has me still thinking about this stuff. I need to know. There must be men that would read this and think, "this guy needs to grow up", and my guess is that those who are thinking that have already been in a fight, or are too scared to ever be in a fight.
Since I was about 5 (maybe even younger but that is as far as I can remember)I have been controlled by this fear of being hurt. This voice that says, "if you get in a fight you will get hurt...bad". But after a while fear of the pain wore off a bit. That is when the same voice said something different. "You've never been in a fight before. You're not tough. You'll lose, and embarass yourself. Then you will feel like less of a man." That is the one that has been keeping my eyes on my shoes for the last 15 years. The thought of finding out that nothing is there and that I am just a huge wuss. And that is why i have been afraid to fight. Actually...it isn't even the fight that I am afraid of, it is not the pain, it is not the humble pie that I'd swallow in a loss...it is tasting that first shot and cowering into a ball that scares the shit out of me.
It's has become a more pressing concern in the last year because I have someone that I have sworn to protect. The day I got married, I stood up in front of our family and friends and I told my wife that I would put her first in everything. In a word: Sacrifice. I said I would sacrifice. Now, when the time comes, and it very likely will, when i have to sacrifice my body and my pride to defend her honor or something like it, I have publicly stated that I will step up. And if I don't, I am not only a coward but a liar. Do you see how important this is? Do you see all that is at stake? If you do, you know why i need to know this. Why i need to lose this fear.
I was watching a movie the other day and one of the lines in the movie was something to the effect of "once you get hit a couple times and realize your not made of glass, the fear is no longer a big deal". I really believe that is exactly what I need.
I have tried to explain this to my wife but that has basically been a lost cause. How could she ever understand? She is not a man. This is a man thing. So if anyone out there is reading this while wearing a dress or something like it, don't bother trying to understand, just let it go.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not going to go out and do anything stupid, like grab a stranger and just start slugging away. I haven't completely lost it. I would rather have the first one be over nothing though. Nothing that mattered in the long run. That way it could be a good opportunity to get my feet wet. Hockey season is coming up. Yes it may be juvenile and immature, it may be testoserone induced, it may be one of my less intelligent ideas...but I gotta know.
