The city...the city is haunted.

"Because this city, this city is haunted
by ghosts from broken homes"

~ Dallas Green

It's been just over three years since i moved to the west coast. This blushing metropolis, this jewel of the Rockies...she has so many blindfolded. It is continually pushed as the place to be. Vancouver is the place where things are happening. If you want to "make it"...better move in to the city. The city... I have been to a lot of places. I've seen different cultures, countries, and people... I have been robbed, I have roomed with an arms dealer, and have been in many shady situations. But nothing scares me more than the city.

We were designed to live in community. So it could be argued that no greater potential for this exists than where our sheer numbers are greatest. It could be argued, but could not be proven... not in Vancouver anyway. The city has a very different feel than the one I grew up in. It feels cold and apathetic. There is nothing that feels simple about it, nothing that feels basic or pure. He I am surrounded by more people than anywhere else i have lived and yet i have never felt so disconnected. That is what is so frightening.

It's not just Vancouver, it's almost any city. This could be anywhere in the world. The city sinks it's teeth into you and you assimilate, you transform into one of them. You become a shopaholic, workaholic, alcoholic...whatever your poison is, you'll find it here. And soon you'll be walking past the guy on the street to get to your condo and eat your processed microwaveable meal and watch the news at six. That is the most devastating effect that the city can have on a person. The city, in time, can make you cold. And the reason that the city makes you cold: Convenience.

Everything in your life is convenient. Everything in your life is automatic. You get the coffee beans at the super market, not the field. Your milk comes from the fridge, not the farm. Your meat comes from a totally sterile environment and gets placed in aesthetically pleasing packaging, not the brown paper from the local butcher. And slowly but surely this convenience kills your compassion.

Because we don't struggle for anything anymore, not for basic stuff like this anyway, and we cannot relate to others that do. We have closed one of the widest avenues through which we relate to our fellow man. There is no camaraderie in complaining about the weather. There is no bond between guys complaining about there wives. Nothing substantial anyway. Nothing that will hold up under pressure. And this becomes the mourning song for an entire generation that has never known community. We come from broken homes and safe guard ourselves in this ultra-convenient lifestyle because we have no concept of community. And we remain too afraid to take a risk, too afraid to feel, too afraid to really live.

It used to be quite different then this. Community was a necessity, not a semi-useful fringe benefit. You helped a neighbor build his house or barn. Now we sit at the end of our driveway drinking beer and informing our buddies how the neighbor "should" have been building that garage. The bond that was formed when we struggled together in a group was powerful, and when we no longer had that struggle, we no longer needed that helping hand. But we no longer lent that helping hand either. And the bond was broken. So we walk around with apathy filing a void that used to be compassion, and we lust after the poisons of the city like a cat in heat.

The worst poison that the city has to offer though, is success. I feel it when I am there. That drive...that desire. It makes you want it, it makes you crave it. The materials and financial statements, the vehicle and the house, the powerful, well connected friends and beautiful wife that the people around you will use as a standard with which to measure your life. Ah, but to state it out there in the open like that is not to do it any justice. It is such a subtle dance. A whisper on the wind that drifts into the valley. A polite and polished voice in the back of your head. It is, in a word, ingenious. And like cancer it is poetically deadly.

An elect few make it out, once in this trance. They are the ones who wake up by some sort of shock to the system. The man who gets hit by a bus, the woman who gets robbed at gunpoint, the heart attack/triple bypass surgery survivor. They get snapped out of it and wonder what they have been spending all their time on. Life is right outside their window waiting to play, and they see it now...like they are seeing it for the first time. And they start to live differently. Start to think differently. They awaken.

I think that is what is happening to me. I feel like I am waking up. I want to get back to a simple kind of life. Something where I am more connected with those around me, more connected to my eco-system, more engaged in life instead of just in the same room as it. I know that there are others that feel the same way. I hope that the awaken recognize each other on some level too. They see another person who is not just letting life happen but is tuned in, buckled up, and engaged in the ride. And there is probably this mutual respect between them. And that is good, because that is a great starting point for community. So if you see me in the city give me a nod. I'll be watching.

Why heaven will have golf

Golf is just a perfect analogy for my life right now. Kind of scary when i start listing the paralells. Let me tell you a story.

Some number of years ago, I started playing golf. And I decided that this was something I 'enjoyed' so I got my own set of golf clubs. You can't play the game if you don't have the clubs...well it turned out that you can't play the game with clubs either. For those of you that don't golf, please continue reading. Just substitute golf for something in your life that frustrates you to your very core and yet somehow has an alluring way of bringing you back again and again. Anyways, back to the story.

So I got my clubs and i started golfing, not all the time, but once in a while. In the beginning i wasn't very good, but i gave myself a grace period because i was just learning. I mean, let's cut ourselves some slack here right? As time went on, my golf game didn't improve and I had to come to the realization that the grace period was over and i just sucked at golf. This is a piece of humble pie that i have eaten many times and yet always goes down with a harsh and terrible after taste. But I am not a quitter. After a certain point in my life, I cannot remember quitting anything. So I faced into the wind, manned up, and kept golfing...poorly.

Somewhere along the line, I don't know when... but somewhere, I realised there is something fundamentally wrong with my golf game. My swing was all wrong. My approach to the game was completely off, and I was suffering the consequences. Looking back...it had always been wrong. From the first time I picked up a club, it was wrong. So i had to go back to the drawing board. I had to suck it up and admit that the habits i had built and the way i was playing the game was wrong. After years of playing, I scrapped everything and started from scratch. Not because I wanted to, but because it was necessary.

If i was ever going to be good at this game i would have to unlearn everything i knew and learn everything i was missing. My desire to get better was sincere, so I worked at it. I went to the driving range, I read golf magazines, I researched online, and practiced my swing in our basement at 1:00 in the a.m. Then came my chance to put all of my new found skills to the test. My chance to see all of my progress and reap all the rewards for my hard work. You know what? I shot one of the worst games in my life. Nothing short of disastrous. My game came crashing down around me like glass walls.

And in a sense i was feeling a little shattered myself. All of that effort, all of that time, all of that rewiring of my entire approach and it didn't make a lick of difference. I still suck.

My father-in-law asked me once,

"Do you know why they call it golf?"

"No" I said.

"...because f*ck was taken."

That made me laugh. It is so true. The game brings out the worst in you, however...like most things that bring out the worst in you, it inherently has the potential to bring out the best in you.

So with my tail tucked neatly between my legs and my head down, I drudge forward. Hoping for that one day when i realize that things are better. Hoping for that perfect shot, that perfect round, that perfect day. And I step up to the whites and look in my golf bag at my clubs knowing that there are a few of them that will be hurled through the air during a tantrum of frustration in its purest form. But what am I going to do? Stop playing? I can't stop playing. So I guess I better keep trying to improve. Ahh golf....so much like life. Chalked full of frustration and dripping with irony.... with just enough glimmer of hope to suck you in to the next round. I hate this game... See you on the first tee.

Quote the Raven

I've never dealt with death. It has always been something that i have heard about but never seen. Like a monster that lives on the outskirts of town by the river. Occasionally it comes up and attacks someone or eats someone, but i have never seen it...not from my house. So that means that I have learned nothing about how to deal with death. Sure, I've listened to other people, but how much can you learn about the way you will experience something, from someone else's experience.

My guess would be that I would be completely undone for a while. Having no idea how long "a while " might be. I think I would be struggling not to be completely consumed by it every second of every day. And then, like a man fighting against the stone on his chest for that next breath...i'd just exhale and take it in wholly. Death scares the shit out of me. Will I be able to handle it? Or will I be one of the people you pretend not to hear talking to themselves as you walk by on the street?

It's the pain that scares me. The weight of it alone will crush some of us. Are you one of the predestined crushees? Am I? To be honest I don't even know why the pain scares me. Why do I feel fear when I think of pain? Pain is crappy and it sucks to deal with, but why does it incite fear? It is as much a part of life as a smile or a cough. I'm not scared of those. Pain is like a red light, it sucks and you are annoyed but you shouldn't fear it. There is no reason. It is part of the ride, and so you accept it. You swallow the fact that in your car you will hit red lights frequently, and move on, right? Right.

What I need to do is find a way to be less scared. Find a way to be okay with the fact that I am going to lose people. I need to find a way to ease death. And nothing eases death more than life.

The more you live, the less you die. The hardest thing for me to deal with would be regrets. So i can ease death by living as fully as I can with everyone I can. Being as present in each moment that goes by as I can possiby be.

Sounds easy right? Yeah, fat chance. But if I could choose one thing for me to work on right now, this would be it. Being present. In the moment...in any given moment. I imagine if I succeeded at this, I would be able to deal with death a bit easier. Pain and Death are not much different. They both are harsh lovers that would trick you into the biggest fall of you life. But embracing the fear of the two seems to be contrary to what would help you get through it. In the end, Pain exists... but i don't have to be afraid of it just because it's there. A lot of things are here, are present, and I'm not scared of them just for being around. To say that Pain is bad or evil is not totally true. The explanation falls short. Pain is. Death is. That hits a lot closer to the mark.

So maybe by embracing life as fully as we can we take some of the sting out of death. Maybe not. But even if death hurts just as bad, wouldn't trying to milk ever moment your given on this big fuzzy blue ball be a good idea? Bed time. I'm going to hold my wife tightly tonight.

The success of my failures

Guess I'll talk to you.

What is it about man, that we must feel in control all the time? That's what power is really. The ability to sway and influence other people. Power is control. That is why I want it so bad. If I am in control of my life then I am powerful, and if I am powerful, then I don't need God...I just humor him. I don't know that I have ever consciously thought that, but i think that is what's going on behind the scenes.

Since i was a kid I have never ever truly felt that i needed God. I have always had a part of me that felt as if I would be able to manage. It's just easier with God, and you know what they say, 'if it ain't broke, don't fix it'. What is that? What is that sick voice in the bottom of your being that still thinks it has a back up plan to life with God?

This ties in closely with the issue that Jesus was most passionate about. When he saw people that thought that they had things under control (all on their own of course), He pretty much lost it. When he saw people advertising that the way to salvation was this "control" they have, this system of rules that justify your character before God, He flipped. He told them that they are missing it. That they are building themselves up by keeping the law, and therefore holding themselves above the more shunned members of society. This was creating distance between them and the kingdom of God, while the 'shunned' were getting ushered in ahead of the 'spiritual'. The poor, widowed, sick, and morally bankrupt were celebrated by Jesus because they got it, they understood the key sticking point for so many of us. In all there depravity they were forced to see that they are not better than anyone else. This was step one in realizing that they will never be able to uphold a moral code as substancial and unbending as the Law. Which means that they would always be unworthy in God's eyes. Hence their need and desire for God's redemptive plan. They knew they needed God. And thus the missing piece of the puzzle finally materializes out of nowhere.

When I read those stories I find myself wanting to pursue Christ with the reckless abandon that only outcasts seem to posess. So why can't I? I don't know. This need to have 'control' in my life is laughable. The depth of my control is nothing more than a grasping of the wind. I want to pray for this knowledge. I want to get on my knees and ask God to show me this authentic need for him. To open my eyes to the reality of my dependence. But I can't. Cause I am really, really scared.

Once you pray that prayer, I imagine that you will lose everthing that matters to you, you know, so you can figure out that you need God for that stuff. I don't want to lose everything. So I stall, and i procrastinate. I should ask God for the courage to ask.

But maybe he's already started on me. The way my life looks now, I wouldn't doubt it. I really need God's help. I screw up so bad, and so often that the need for God's guidance and intervention is becoming painfully obvious. I feel like such a failure lately. And you know what? Maybe that is a good thing.

What I'm not supposed to say

Lately I feel like I'm being pulled in 10 different directions. I am struggling with 3-5 major issues in my marriage at any given point. I talk to a computer instead of my wife. I am not romantic enough. I don't do enough around the house. This is just off the top of my head. I have to concentrate on improving in all of these areas. Anyone who thinks that getting married will be anything but the hardest thing that they have taken on in their life is simply deluding themselves. Don't get me wrong I love being married, and I love my wife, but you go through seasons where you just suck at everything.

So, on top of the relationship issues, I have to think about family stuff, work stuff, God stuff, friend stuff, etc, etc. I feel so thinly spread. I can't get away from it either. My only escape is hockey. That is the one time that I get to shut down my head. I just wish i could be alone again. Like i was on the rooftops in australia. Nothing but me and the stars having a conversation about everything and nothing.

But life doesn't go on vacation, so you don't either. Guess this is the 'real world', huh? The real world is a horrible, cynical, wicked place that tries to drown you when you stop for a drink. And which pool am I drowning in? Money. No matter what I try or how much I work we keep going further into debt. We don't have any secret spending that I am not mentioning. We're not druggies, we're not shopaholics, we don't impulse buy...we are cheap, we are on a budget, we are watching our finances carefully...watching them slowly bury us. When you are not providing for your house you feel like a failure. Any man....any honest man will tell you that. I feel like a failure.

Something I'm not mentioning... I don't tithe. I don't give to charity, or overseas missions or anything. I have in the past, but that was long ago. I feel almost like it would be irresponsible to do so. I don't have any money left at the end of the month. Should I feed my wife spam and peanut butter and jam for 6 months? Is that what a really good christian would do? This is the reason I said I would never go into the church. I have never seen the church provide for her servants. Everybody I know who was in that position struggles through financially. I don't want to struggle to make ends meet every month... So I hopped on the railway... and everything is the same as if I were in the church anyway, minus the almost inevitable cynicism and bitterness that comes from a life in the modern ministry...ministry can't claim that one, i got that all on my own. Just kidding.

So should I start giving to the church? On paper that is the stupidest thing I could do. It is another bill that wasn't there before. More money going out, no more money coming in. On the other hand I would like to just give up all my financial worry to God and let him sort it out. He said he would take care of me. But to be honest i don't trust him. That's obvious. Otherwise I would be giving already, right? It's so stupid because I am supposed to rely on God, depend on God for everything. So if I don't do that, then I'm not relying on God and therefore do not posess true faith. But if I do go ahead and trust him to provide, I'm puting my God to the test. And if he doesn't come through, well...that is just God's divine right to do with us as he wishes. Questioning him is sinning.

Hmmm....let me get this straight....start giving to the church with no money to spare as it is, but don't count on God to provide for you because that would be testing him... and if he doesn't come through he is not unreliable, he is testing me, and besides i was testing God, or bargaining with him, or too proud to endure refining. It doesn't make any sense! Man's interpretation of this is so shot to cock. I wish I could just ask God, what I should do. Because I can't handle this crap. Things are only getting worse. Something must be done. I'm going to e-mail the pastor at my church and ask to speak with someone about this.

On top of all this, i feel super selfish when I dream of anything that i want that I would have to pay for. I hate this. God, tell me what to do. I'm tired.

All this, ironically enough, is leading me to God. The hope that there is an end to all this busy living, struggle, and stress is the only thing that keeps me going.

Comments

comments are back...sorry for the frustration.