The success of my failures

Guess I'll talk to you.

What is it about man, that we must feel in control all the time? That's what power is really. The ability to sway and influence other people. Power is control. That is why I want it so bad. If I am in control of my life then I am powerful, and if I am powerful, then I don't need God...I just humor him. I don't know that I have ever consciously thought that, but i think that is what's going on behind the scenes.

Since i was a kid I have never ever truly felt that i needed God. I have always had a part of me that felt as if I would be able to manage. It's just easier with God, and you know what they say, 'if it ain't broke, don't fix it'. What is that? What is that sick voice in the bottom of your being that still thinks it has a back up plan to life with God?

This ties in closely with the issue that Jesus was most passionate about. When he saw people that thought that they had things under control (all on their own of course), He pretty much lost it. When he saw people advertising that the way to salvation was this "control" they have, this system of rules that justify your character before God, He flipped. He told them that they are missing it. That they are building themselves up by keeping the law, and therefore holding themselves above the more shunned members of society. This was creating distance between them and the kingdom of God, while the 'shunned' were getting ushered in ahead of the 'spiritual'. The poor, widowed, sick, and morally bankrupt were celebrated by Jesus because they got it, they understood the key sticking point for so many of us. In all there depravity they were forced to see that they are not better than anyone else. This was step one in realizing that they will never be able to uphold a moral code as substancial and unbending as the Law. Which means that they would always be unworthy in God's eyes. Hence their need and desire for God's redemptive plan. They knew they needed God. And thus the missing piece of the puzzle finally materializes out of nowhere.

When I read those stories I find myself wanting to pursue Christ with the reckless abandon that only outcasts seem to posess. So why can't I? I don't know. This need to have 'control' in my life is laughable. The depth of my control is nothing more than a grasping of the wind. I want to pray for this knowledge. I want to get on my knees and ask God to show me this authentic need for him. To open my eyes to the reality of my dependence. But I can't. Cause I am really, really scared.

Once you pray that prayer, I imagine that you will lose everthing that matters to you, you know, so you can figure out that you need God for that stuff. I don't want to lose everything. So I stall, and i procrastinate. I should ask God for the courage to ask.

But maybe he's already started on me. The way my life looks now, I wouldn't doubt it. I really need God's help. I screw up so bad, and so often that the need for God's guidance and intervention is becoming painfully obvious. I feel like such a failure lately. And you know what? Maybe that is a good thing.

What I'm not supposed to say

Lately I feel like I'm being pulled in 10 different directions. I am struggling with 3-5 major issues in my marriage at any given point. I talk to a computer instead of my wife. I am not romantic enough. I don't do enough around the house. This is just off the top of my head. I have to concentrate on improving in all of these areas. Anyone who thinks that getting married will be anything but the hardest thing that they have taken on in their life is simply deluding themselves. Don't get me wrong I love being married, and I love my wife, but you go through seasons where you just suck at everything.

So, on top of the relationship issues, I have to think about family stuff, work stuff, God stuff, friend stuff, etc, etc. I feel so thinly spread. I can't get away from it either. My only escape is hockey. That is the one time that I get to shut down my head. I just wish i could be alone again. Like i was on the rooftops in australia. Nothing but me and the stars having a conversation about everything and nothing.

But life doesn't go on vacation, so you don't either. Guess this is the 'real world', huh? The real world is a horrible, cynical, wicked place that tries to drown you when you stop for a drink. And which pool am I drowning in? Money. No matter what I try or how much I work we keep going further into debt. We don't have any secret spending that I am not mentioning. We're not druggies, we're not shopaholics, we don't impulse buy...we are cheap, we are on a budget, we are watching our finances carefully...watching them slowly bury us. When you are not providing for your house you feel like a failure. Any man....any honest man will tell you that. I feel like a failure.

Something I'm not mentioning... I don't tithe. I don't give to charity, or overseas missions or anything. I have in the past, but that was long ago. I feel almost like it would be irresponsible to do so. I don't have any money left at the end of the month. Should I feed my wife spam and peanut butter and jam for 6 months? Is that what a really good christian would do? This is the reason I said I would never go into the church. I have never seen the church provide for her servants. Everybody I know who was in that position struggles through financially. I don't want to struggle to make ends meet every month... So I hopped on the railway... and everything is the same as if I were in the church anyway, minus the almost inevitable cynicism and bitterness that comes from a life in the modern ministry...ministry can't claim that one, i got that all on my own. Just kidding.

So should I start giving to the church? On paper that is the stupidest thing I could do. It is another bill that wasn't there before. More money going out, no more money coming in. On the other hand I would like to just give up all my financial worry to God and let him sort it out. He said he would take care of me. But to be honest i don't trust him. That's obvious. Otherwise I would be giving already, right? It's so stupid because I am supposed to rely on God, depend on God for everything. So if I don't do that, then I'm not relying on God and therefore do not posess true faith. But if I do go ahead and trust him to provide, I'm puting my God to the test. And if he doesn't come through, well...that is just God's divine right to do with us as he wishes. Questioning him is sinning.

Hmmm....let me get this straight....start giving to the church with no money to spare as it is, but don't count on God to provide for you because that would be testing him... and if he doesn't come through he is not unreliable, he is testing me, and besides i was testing God, or bargaining with him, or too proud to endure refining. It doesn't make any sense! Man's interpretation of this is so shot to cock. I wish I could just ask God, what I should do. Because I can't handle this crap. Things are only getting worse. Something must be done. I'm going to e-mail the pastor at my church and ask to speak with someone about this.

On top of all this, i feel super selfish when I dream of anything that i want that I would have to pay for. I hate this. God, tell me what to do. I'm tired.

All this, ironically enough, is leading me to God. The hope that there is an end to all this busy living, struggle, and stress is the only thing that keeps me going.