This is another one of those nights where something in your character is revealed to you. Something your ashamed of, something that hurts the people you care most about, something that makes you feel the furthest away from what a "man" is supposed to be. It hasn't been a good night.
I have a friend at work whose girlfriend owns him. We had dinner at their new place a month ago, and I was offended at how keen she was to take every opportunity afforded her to cut my friend down. I started feeling like I should defend him. I even wrestled with the idea of talking to him about this disrespect because it bothered me so much. Now, you have to understand, this is a dangerous conversation. The "You deserve more respect" conversation is drastically close to the "she's a total bitch" conversation. But I was so bothered by this disrespect that i felt obligated to say something.
My brother's fiance does the same thing. It makes me furious. A lot of what she says to him has an undertone, or sometimes an overtone of disrespect in it. Sometimes I feel like shaking her and yelling, "Do you know what a great guy you have! If you spoke life into him, he'd lay it down for you without hesitation!" But I don't know her...so I don't say it. Nevertheless, there is something about seeing the people I care about gettting disrespected that enrages me. Which is why it is so unfortunate that I am a total hypocrite.
You see, tonight I found out that i do that to my wife. My wife? What is wrong with me? The most loyal, gracious, and selfless person i know...the woman that puts me first in everything...the woman that consistently thinks of me...the woman I stood up in front of a hundred people with, and vowed to be a source of life and a refuge for. I disrespect her. This is the point where I would call myself a name, but I find that hating yourself like that rarely changes any of my own behavior or motives. And to be honest, a lot of the time I am displaying this kind of punishment as if it will somehow earn me pardon. So, while i still think it, it has become clear to me that anything short of tangible change is simply inadequate. Even though I am forgoing the usual self deprecation, something 's gotta give.
The question that i have to explore here is "why do I disrespect her?" If someone came and asked me what i thought of Kerianne, I would gush and start at the top of my list of attributes. I certainly wouldn't say, "She's okay...i guess." So why am I displaying the latter and not the former? Well, I think that part of the reason is that I am not aware that I am doing it. I generally speak first and back pedal later, but I am not noticing how implicitly I am disrespecting her sometimes. My level of awareness aside, it is my intentions that unnerve me. The fact that this is occurring at all speaks of something dark in my character that needs dealing with. So there is obviously some more excavation needed to uncover why I am doing it. But that is no excuse for anything. I have no need of excuses...only change.
Which brings me to the next question: How do I change? I want to model the way women should be treated, not model the crap they shouldn't have to put up with. So maybe i need to get back in touch with reality. Because reality puts me in the arms of the person that is shaking me, saying, "Do you have any idea how flippin' lucky you are, buddy?!" And that is where i need to be. In touch with the reality of how unbelievable my wife is, and how lucky I am to be with such and incredible woman. Maybe that is the point of origin for this journey. For good measure, I'll crank some old Aretha Franklin records at the highest volume I can stand. I'll burn this into my head if I have to. I'm gonna start with that and see where it goes. I'll crush this out of my character if it kills me. It is that important. If it is the difference between being a safe place and a refuge versus being a dangerous place of condemnation, then it truly is a matter of life and death.
