I was cutting some grass today in the rail yard at work. This task is really boring and your mind tends to wander. My mind has as much wanderlust as the rest of me, so it is safe to assume that it was gone for most of the afternoon monotony. As i was working my way to the other end of the yard I was surprised by a pigeon that I almost hit with my weed wacker. It looked back at me while trying to limp away with its wings. Both of the bird's legs were broken and it seemed as if one of the wings may have been broken as well. I am not a fan of pigeons. I view them as bags of disease that grew wings and took flight, trying to crap on anything worth aiming at on their way to the next redundant rendezvous. But, on this occasion for whatever reason, I couldn't help but feel sorry for it. The sight also evoked some basic instinct to "put it out of its misery" . It was the unhindered arrival of that little line that made me think.
Two years ago, maybe even 6 months ago, I would have put that bird to death rather than watch it suffer. But lately I have been wondering what right I have to snuff the life out of anything. I feel differently if I am going to eat it. The death then gives life and seems to fit with the example i see in nature. But to just kill things to end their suffering seems to fall in a grey area for me. Life is taking on this reverence for me right now. I just don't feel like I have any authority or sovereign right to decide which life should continue and which life should end.
So, engine running, bird crawling, i stand there in indecision. I start thinking about how much better it would be for the bird if I do something to give it a quick death, rather than leave it be and let it fall victim to a cat or raccoon which would almost certainly be more painful...not to mention messy. But then my mind, who has rushed back from vacation at the prospect of activity, counters this thought. Am I wanting to put it out of its misery, or put it out of mine. In reality, it is a hard thing to watch. You feel very uncomfortable watching something suffer and are to an extent suffering yourself. So are you trying to do something noble or are you merely trying to return things to a state that you find more comfortable? Is the pigeon having as hard a time as I am? It's not like it can speak up and tell me.
The other problem is that this is not a hospital. This is, for all intents and purposes, the wild. Sure, the wild has a lot more traffic than it used to, and has completely sold out to yuppie coffee houses and discount warehouses, but it's wild nonetheless. Am i interfering with an ecosystem by playing God? What about the starving cat or raccoon? What about my company management...who would see this suffering sideshow attraction as a solid business investment, or, at the very least, a tasty afternoon snack? Is it any less cruel to starve them?
It seems that Life is closing in on us. So many of my friends' parents are at that age (which is in rapid decline) where they start falling victim to cancer, or other debilitating diseases. My generation will have to face this horrific reality head on, and at home. Our Moms and Dads are dying. With so many loved ones getting sick, we must speak with our parents while we can, to find out what they would want. It is important to carefully and aptly dialogue about this so that we can come to an understanding that brings peace or at least clarity.
It's a heavy concept, but heavy times are ahead. So, while you still can, endure the discomfort for a conversation and turn over a few stones...ruffle a few feathers...talk to a pigeon or two.
P.S. If you survive that conversation, hang around and visit. Laugh together.
Love you, Dad.
