Edward Norton taught us that the airline passenger is restricted to a single serving existence. "Single serving sugar, single serving cream, single pad of butter...the people on each flight, they're single serving friends. Between take off and landing we have our time together. That's all we get."
The temptation here is to blame the multi face corporation that owns the airline for perpetuating this individuality, or, to put it more accurately, this self absorption. But that just wouldn't be fair. The truth is that we don't want to talk to the man or woman beside us, because they might be boring, or creepy, or uncomfortable. We don't know that, but we assume. We like things our way. We retreat into our world, where it's easier. We don't want to be bothered. After all it's only a couple of hours. Why would we want to invest time into someone else's life just to say good bye in 2 hours and never see them again? It just doesn't make sense. So, we get off the flight and we go home. We walk in the door and are confronted with bills, or questions, or tasks, or work. And we retreat again. We
turn on the tv, or go into the office, "work" outside in the garage or the yard. Our world, our way.
We have forgotten what community is. We have become so lazy in our culture that we don't even put an effort into relationship anymore. This is what the family has become. A house of individuals with their own things going on. No one is involved with each other because it's easier to just relax. I mean, you earned it, am i right? Nowadays you have to bust your ass so hard to make ends meet that you are entitled to some time to recharge. And how are they going to understand what you are going through today? It wasn't like this when they were this age. Ans so the family spirals down further and further.
I think one of the major factors here is laziness. We're not willing to put work into our relationships, and they wither because of it. It's easier to keep it comfortable. Relationships require work, and community requires solid relationships. Nothing good comes easy. Even orgasms require a little effort. But i can't convince people to work. So I won't try. Instead I'll bring our attention to another factor.
I've been reading a book that talks about differentiation. As i understand it, differentiation is the ability to hold on to your identity while engaging emotionally with other people. If you are too focused on your individuality, you will not engage with other people emotionally for fear of losing something and, because of this, end up without any sustainable relationships of substance. On the flip side, if you are too focused on engaging with other people emotionally, you sacrifice your individuality and become a doormat. That emotional connection takes priority over your other needs. Differentiation would have us live a life that is authentically true to ourselves within relationships with others.
But the problem is that we are not differentiated people. Parents want their role as leader to be so solidified that they see any other opinion as disrespectful. Kids struggle to maintain a relationship with someone who is trying to shape them, when they are exerting the majority of their own energy trying to figure out who they are. The result can be the family unit descending from a cohesive unit to merely a group of individuals in the same dwelling. Can you see how easy it would be to put your own needs above the others in your family this way? How easy is it to justify being selfish and self-absorbed when you believe that you are only protecting yourself. This is yet another way in which we live our lives in fear. It's pathetic really...reacting to some assumed situation never works out in our favor.
So what do we do though, Right? I think it would be a mistake to throw out any attempt at finding our identity or individuality. It would also be a mistake to do everything the people around you want you to do. Maybe all it takes is an effort to remind yourself that you are uniquely you everyday. Maybe that would reinforce our identity enough for us to stop defending something that probably isn't even under attack. Maybe that would free us to engage into emotional connection and subsequently community with the people around us. Having a self-reinforced sense of self might give us the security we desperately need to go confidently into these connections.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Life is Balance. It just so happens that with this balance comes freedom and harmony. I'm not going to agree with those that would have us believe the family unit is being fragmented through outside pressures such as the media or societal influences. I think that the biggest issue the family unit has come up against resides within the dynamics of the family itself. So many of the problems, pressures and influences the family is facing today could be put into perspective and probably resolved through the cohesion that differentiation would naturally bring. If Life is Balance, then Balance is Life. If we can find this balance, we will live more fully.
