Wanna fight?

*****DISCLAIMER*****

I FELT I SHOULD WRITE A DISCLAIMER
FOR SOMETHING THAT YOU WILL READ LATER
I LOVE JAMES LIKE A BROTHER, HE'S A MAN LIKE NO OTHER
BUT DON'T START TO THINK I'M A FLAMER

*****DISCLAIMER*****

Ya, I'm serious. Right now i am in a fight with God. There is a part of me that very much enjoys fighting with God. I'll tell you why. If you walk around the school yard and pretend that this certain kid doesn't exist, and spend months trying to convince yourself, and by some miracle you finally do convince yourself and spend the next 2 months trying to figure out why you ever thought he was there in the first place and wonder whether or not he was just a figment of your imagination the entire time...when the kid walks up and punches you in the mouth, your canundrum has been solved! The warm feeling of your lips swelling up due to the impact from that once non-existent fist will send you reeling back to reality...he exists...and he's pissed. That is why i like fighting with God. Two reasons actually.

The first being that it is impossible to debate whether someone is around or not when things get rough between the two of you. And the second being that God has invited me to do this. He put out a little invitation that says "Come let us reason together", which in my translation becomes "Wanna fight?".

And the answer to that question is...ya i really do. My friend james would be the person that could relate most to this next bit. There is something really relieving about just hitting something. When I used to "box" with James there was always this feeling of anticipation that i got when i thought of getting a solid shot in just under his forearm and directly in the ribs. There was satisfaction when you heard that unmistakeable sound of a solid hit. And you know what, there was even satisfaction when that sound was made by my ribs or my head. It was intense and if you didn't pay attention, you paid the price. Believe you me, i did, hahaha. That was great. Great stuff. James I really miss that, man. Because it was just fun .

Maybe that is why i like fighting with God as well. There is a comraderie that is built in battle and it is a strong bond. Sometimes I need to cast my relationship with God back into the furnace to have it reshaped and transformed into something new. I'm willing to do that. Always have been. I like shouting questions like, "what am i supposed to be doing with my life?" and "where is my purpose for living, what should i do!?". Even though i know that eventually i will be apologizing for being so arrogant, and feel like a total ass for shouting whatever i have shouted, i still feel passionate about it when I am in that moment. It feels good to be passionate about something again. And so what if that is fighting with God?

In the end I will lose. I've lost every single round. A perfect record. But you know what? Fighting with God is a lot like fighting with James. It was never about hurting him. And I never cared about beating James so I could feel like I have officially asserted my superiority over him. It was never about winning at all...it was about being in a battle with someone you loved.

New season, or open season?

New chapters and seasons in our lives are scary. I am entering into a season of doubt right now. I am really questioning a lot. Yet i don't feel supported. Not really by my friends, more by the church and sometimes God. I feel that God is pretty silent right now, Or at least not talking in the way that I am used to hearing him. It feels like he has decided that he will speak to me in another way. I don't know if I rally like that at all, but i do know tha ti would not grow as much if he didn't force me out of the current shell. I liked hearing him the way i did, but now it's growing time again, so i guess things gotta get hard.

Sometimes i get a little pissed that in order for me to grow I have to go throough something hard. I guess it is the most impacting method of learning for me. I don' know if it says more about God or more about me. But nonetheless, I am pretty pissed. I am trying t ohear him and take alone time, but i'm getting nothing. It feels like there is a block between him and I, and it's frustrating me entire being. If i didn't know the fellowship of God like I do, I could walk away. But unfortunately God is like pringles, once you pop you can't stop. It occurs to me that the last statement may imply that I have been spending a lot of time eating chips....in front of the t.v....by myself. I have not! wanna fight about it?!

I hope that I get a handle on this situation soon. I feel this half life thing might kill me. In all fairness, I dropped him, not the other way around. Maybe I need to be a little more grown up in my relationbship with God. Instead of expecting him to be there like a little kid, I need to man up and just apologize.

Well, until next time fellas. I have a couch with a well worked in ass groove, a bag of tostitos, and a bowl of salsa waiting for me. Later

When the fog rolls in

So, life in canada has been busy. I imagine that once kerianne and I get things cleaned up at our place things will taper off. But right now it is intiense. We're buying all this stuff we need for the house, and have no money coming in. Neither kerianne or myself has had time to even look for jobs. I think we'll be ok but it is so annoying to rack up a visa bill. This will be the first time my visa will ever have a balance that will last to the end of the month.

So this has me thinking that i need to get a job pretty quick...which means it will probably be something that i don't want to do. That sucks but things could be worse.

Eventually I want to get out of working this 9 - 5 bullcrap and get into something that i am actually passionate about. However, this begs the question: What am I passionate about? That will have to remain unanswered for the time being. I used to think that counselling would have me fired up to go to work and help people through their problems everyday. Now I'm not so sure. I still have to talk to my aunt about this one guy she mentioned that did "adventure therapy". I don't even know what that is but it sounds like something I could really enjoy. Gotta find out that guys name again.

This is such a dangerous time. This is the time in peoples lives where they take that path that they wake up from 25 years later and wonder where the time went and how far back their dreams fell out of their pocket. So i almost want to pursue counselling just to avoid that. But therein lies the problem. By pursuing counselling when i have this lingering doubt (or indifference) in my mind, will I not be doing exactly what i fear most? Settling?

All these questions of what i should do with my time here. Everybody wants to be something great, but Superman was just colors and shapes on a page, nothing more. So to be something great in reality, one must stand for something. To stand for something one must believe in something. To truly believe in something one must be passionate about that which one believes. So, if i want to be something great, do something great, I have to find out what moves me, and find out if someone will pay me to move.

Maybe in the end I will go to school this september and go into a couselling program...maybe i end up working and kerianne goes to school...i don't know. Who can see there own future? I long for clarity all the time. To know where I'm going, or what is on my horizon. It sure would take a lot of fun out of my life if i knew... but a lot of frustration and worry would be gone too. Flip a coin, right? Well, regardless, one thing seems certain to me...it sure is hard to see your desires when the fog rolls in.