The God of provision

God really seems to be evident in some areas of my life. Particularily in the provision area. I've got a job that pays me well and is close to home. In fact this is the highest paying job I have ever had. Kerianne has a job that also pays her well and is close to home. In fact this is the highest paying job Kerianne has ever had. We live in the cheapest (rent wise....and sometimes "otherwise") basement suite that I have even heard of in this area, and because of our work schedules (we start at the same time but Ker gets off an hour later than me), we are fully able to get by on one vehicle right now. High wages, and low expenses. Sounds like the start of an infomercial.

So what is the problem?

My old man (woody) provided food, clothing, and all of my essential needs when i was younger. He also gifted me with sports and other expensive endeavors for a father of 3. But looking back that is not what i care about when I think of him. I care about the fact that my dad is one of my best friends. I can talk to him about anything...and that means anything. He is trustworthy, and a man of righteous character who would do everything in his power to make sure that I am on the right path/ barking up the right tree...what have you.

I see God as a father. And right now it is blatanly obvious that he is the God of provision in my life. I can see this through the circumstances and goings on of my life. But i don't feel him. Recently I thought that maybe that is b/c, with all this provision, i don't need him anymore. But to be honest, I don't really think that is true. It is amongst all this provision that I am still feeling the need for God. I know i need him. I need a real relationship with him...nothing else will suffice. I'm not just saying that...I know it. So why does God feel so distant? I am grateful for everything that he has provided and do recognize it as such, but sometimes I feel like i can't have my cake and eat it too. Meaning, I can't have my provision and my relationship. Which really sucks. But that is what I need. I need not only a Father who provides for me, but also a father who wants to spend time with me and makes me feel loved, not just see that I am loved.

My faith feels so hollow right now. I just wish that God could come and meet me on this level that I currently inhabit. I don't know what i have to do to feel closer to him again. Sell everything i own? Tell people to believe in Jesus or they'll go to hell? Volunteer somewhere? What would be good enough for him? Have i offended him? Am i squandering the gifts he has given me? Have i thrown it all away? IF so, when ...and what was it?

But everybody goes through silence, right? It is actually a very godly thing. It is the refiner's fire. Ya?...whatever...save it. Would you say that to a lost kid that doesn't know where their father is? I wouldn't either.

I don't know what this is all about, but I'm hoping for some clarity in the end...and, in that regard, I hope the end is near.

The grey area

So i have been struggling a lot lately with my relationship with God. I read my friend James blog and one of the thing she said in there, to quote himself (hahahah), was, "God has made us to be authentic creatures, so when people are real, God is not far away."
James hit the nail on the head there for me. I am struggling with God, in part at least, because i am struggling to be authentic. To be real. To be vulnerable. I don't really know why, I mean, I have an amazing group of friends. But maybe i haven't been open with them. Not like i am keeping things hidden from them, I just felt like, i don't know, like i would be boring people with my own stuff. Like now that I am married something has changed. I can't say that Kerianne hasn't encouraged me to hang out with my friends. She has been saying "you should really call james" for about a week now (sorry james, i'm not that bright). She knows how much i need my friends and has always sacrificed for me to be with them. So maybe something changed in me or maybe my friends think that i am one of those guys that has dissappeared after he's been married. I don't know. What i do know is that james is right. Being real and being close to God go hand in hand. I'm kinda sick of the mediocre faith that I have been living. God has become "one of the guys i went to highschool with". I know his name and have memories with him but i haven't seen him in like 5 years...and when I do it is like we give eachother the head nod and make idle conversation consisting of mostly small talk for about 8 minutes.
What i would like to do is be real with what i am thinking about lately. My friend tyler was saying that he feels more unsure of his faith now than he did in highschool. I would have to agree. In highschool i didn't wrestle with anything. God was God, and you can kiss my ass. Now, however, i have become more open to the questions that are hard in this walk with Christ, and by george I have wrestled and fought with GOd on a lot of them. But somewhere down the line, I stopped wrestling. It was as if God was saying,
"Well cory, what are you thinking about lately."
"I'm wondering if your faith will ever truly be alive unless you are impacting the lives aroung you. And I am wondering if you will ever accept anything less."
"Oooo, this is a cage match! This one is gonna be good! You ready?"
"no, that's alright. I'm sure you have a reasonable answer..."

And with every forfeited opportunity i have lost another piece of my faith. So, I'm thinking that I need to get back in the ring with God. But i want to do it with my friends. I want to tackle hard questions as a community and just discuss things. Just do distribute thoughts and then come to your own conclusion later. Not to try and solve these great quandries that have been around sinc eman could think, but just to share wit hpeople you love and trust and then walk your specific path with God and develop you own decision on the matter. That sounds good. So with that in mind I pose this question:

"what point is there in going to church and hearing stories and life principles if the lives around you are not affected by it? In short, what is the point of coming together to learn about God if you are not straining to live like Jesus? And what does straining to live like Jesus look like anyway"

With that I welcome your thoughts. I really would love to hear them. I'll wait.

Local 6000

A photo of a train i found




Unions....I have a love hate relationship with them. I like them b/c they increase your chances of getting good wages and things like benefits, and i hate them b/c as soon as you get a union involved, work ethic goes down the toilet for the most part. I am in a union now, or at least i will be when I am done my probation period. I like this job. There are more deductions and tax then i thought there would be, but the people are good so far and i am enjoying the work.

Ever get scared that you are going to end up like one of those people that you know who has nothing but work to talk about? Almost as if your job becomes more important to you than any other interests. I hope i don't get like that. I hope that I always have something bigger than work in my life. I love enjoying work. It is as satisfying a feeling as almost anything else in life. But i never want a job to be my identity...no matter how much I like it. That is what i see a lot of people doing in the 30's to 40's age group. Maybe when i am that age I to will talk about work like it is the focal point of my life. Maybe ....but i doubt it.

You see, I have had a rare sort of upbringing. My Dad threw his life into work and found in an ecclesiastic fashion that, at the end of the day, he really didn't have that much to show for all of his effort. Then my dad became a grampa, and then, for a while, quit work. Not to say that he quit to be around his grand kids, that wasn't exactly the case. However, he did spend a lot of time with them during the break... so, you do the math. It is almost like my old man, decided that work is satisfying in it's own right...but only in it's own right. My dad had a shot at big money when I was younger. He turned his back on it and faced his family. He decided that chasing down an injustice that would pay off handsomely was not worth the missed family time that it would take away. That was a great show of my dad's character. He is that type of guy. Through him and my mom i have learned to work hard at whatever i do (which is challenging sometimes), but also not to get wrapped up in work to the point that i need it for my value. I will never be "Cory the trackman", I will always be "Cory".

Anyways, that is enough for tonight. I'm tired from breaking all those hammers today.