So I have been avoiding reading my friend Justin's e-mails. My wife said that they would make me want to travel, so i have not read them. They were also really long, so I have not read them.
Tonight I read them...all of them. And it is not the travel bug that is poking at me. It is Jesus. In justin's e-mails he speaks of a life that is touching others, a life that is sacrificing, a life that is making a difference. Justin has been in Guatemala on missions with some friends that live there. Reading the e-mail does make me want to travel, but it makes me want to be justin more than anything. Justin is the greatest example of "a man of God" I have ever seen in my life. If Justin isn't going to heaven, then anyone I have ever met is going to hell. I know that is harsh but it is also truth.
Justin and I weren't all that diferent once. We were in the same school...twice. We worked the same job...for 4 summers together. We both were passionately and diligently seeking God. Now look at me.
I still have the drive to do something like justin is doing somewhere deep inside me. But there is this nagging voice that has been saying "too late buddy, that ship has sailed, and you weren't on it. You missed the boat." That voice sounds holds more truth with everyday that passes. You see when you so something like that, something that is so much bigger than you, or the country your in, or the work you do...when you do something like that, you feel centered. Like you are doing exactly what you were supposed to be doing with that day, with that season, with your life. How many of you feel that way? Like you are doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing? Like you are where God wants you to be? Like you are contributing to humanity? I'm not trying to make any of you depressed. You have to understand that I am not even that... down. It isn't like what I am feeling is saddness. It is longing. I long to be a part of something bigger than myself again.
A friend of mine once asked me what happened to us. When i asked what he meant he said, "Well, we were both here together, and now look at where I am, and look at where you are".The worst part about it is that I knew exactly what happened to us. I continued to make God a priority in my life, and he didn't. I have never been able to relate to him more than right now.
So i sit here looking at the picture in front of me, with me and justin in a group of people smiling away, and I wonder, what happened to us? What happened to the guy that thought he could be called one of God's friends? What happened to the person that thought that he might be able to pass for a "man of God"? Is there any way back there? That person took years and years to shape and make. Have I thrown all that away?
You want to know that question that scares me the most?
What am I willing to give up to get back there?
~Drifter
4 comments:
That totally is the scarry part Cory. I remember two years ago when I went tree planting, I had a rought start. I went to pray and a thought popped into my head, "isn't a good thing to be refined by God, shouldn't I desire it, shouldn't I be praying FOR it?" But when I started to ask God to do whatever it takes to change my heart and refined me, fear came over me. All of a sudden I felt so vulnerable and I imagined all the sucky things that could happen if I opened that door. So I fell back on honesty:
"God, I want to change, to be !00% yours, but I'm scared of what might happend if I ask you that. So please give me the courage, and don't listen to my complaints, just make me yours."
I'm not going to lie to you man, that was one of the hardest summers of my life. That was the summer my uncle died, my parents split up, and my x girlfriend started dating a 30 year old non-christian. On top of all the struggles of tree planting. But you know what? Yes, you do. I wouldn't trade it. I wouldn't take back what I prayed.
I do believe that I'm exactly in the place where I'm supposed to be right now. I believe there is no where else I could possibly doing more good for the world right now. Your right, we should have that confidence. I sometimes have days where I feel like I've wasted time, but other than that, yeah.
Just remember Cory, God rarely calls for an overhaul. He just wants us to take some steps everyday. Just don't get as mad at those little things as you did yesterday. Read a little closer in His word. Be a little more honest in your prayers. These are just examples.
Also remember it is obvious why Satan tries so hard to keep you off your game. He knows the work you will accomplish for the kingdom when you get on your game. Your still a huge encouragement to me, you can take that as you like.
Well, the depth of this blog is an intensely honest questioning...you tapped into your heart...and now comes the hard part...the honesty of your questions always give honest answers from God...I sure don't envy your last question, "what am I willing to give up?" My dear friend Corey...surrender is not a one time deal...every inch of my being is urges a daily and moment by moment surrender as we are the selfish creatures that don't let go easily...all I know is this...crossroads never mean the end of your opportunities...all I know is the depth of consequence our choices have...so may you know the depth of freedom that God has given to you...you are free...you are not to be oppressed by the "what could have beens?" In fact, Jesus is the God of redemption....buying back moments and choices that seem like wastes of time...for all of us there is a desert and a garden...Corey I can't help but wonder if this "grape crushing" moment you are in is only refining the deep soul connection between you and your Savior...look deeply into the eyes of your Lord this easter week...and only see the choice he made in the garden...one of grace and mercy that echoes in your ears...and plucks your heart like an orchestra...playing surrender...playing serving...playing reflection...playing refinement...playing your song...he chose you...and he never turned his back on you because HIS LOVE is just that profound...and because of that, there is a nothing that will ever change your experiences as anything but redemption of your past present and future...so may you wrestle deeply as a child of the Father...and may you seek what it means to be PASSIONATE like the blueprint you were made with...and ever pallet that you flip in your life, may it flip over and remind you of what you were made for...and who you are...when no one is looking...and everyone is looking...your friend always...Jimmer
Better question: "what am I going to hold on to?"
Hey man, i can totally relate to your entry. i've been reading justin's emails with a jealous heart and i've also been wondering where i'm at. my biggest change and challenge in life is that i'm dropping out of nursing. i've thought and prayed about this for a couple months and this is the conclusion i've come to, which leaves me with the question of "where am i?" which is not a question i like to ask myself because it means i am full of uncertainty. i'm going planting again this summer, but thats where my plans stop. i kind of like being the "free agent" but i really prefer to have my life mapped out a couple years ahead of time. perhaps where i am right now is where God wants me to be: vulnerable. needing to trust in Him. but i can't help thinking that i should be somewhere else. i've taken some advice from what tawmis and jimmer said to you.
Dano
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