I've heard of lot of memorable quotes. Really insightful lines of poetry, song lyrics, prayers, creeds, sermons, speeches...you name it. I have read books about great men who inspired many. A short collection of words that can inpire, and sometimes change your life. Words. And, right now, for some reason...none of them resonate in me more than this, "How much can you know about yourself if you've never been in a fight?"
I've been thinking a lot about this lately. I know that this is not deep or spiritual. But who cares...I'm not spiritual all the time. Most of the time I am just some guy. And this guy has never been in a fight. I have certainly avoided a few though. And that is what has me still thinking about this stuff. I need to know. There must be men that would read this and think, "this guy needs to grow up", and my guess is that those who are thinking that have already been in a fight, or are too scared to ever be in a fight.
Since I was about 5 (maybe even younger but that is as far as I can remember)I have been controlled by this fear of being hurt. This voice that says, "if you get in a fight you will get hurt...bad". But after a while fear of the pain wore off a bit. That is when the same voice said something different. "You've never been in a fight before. You're not tough. You'll lose, and embarass yourself. Then you will feel like less of a man." That is the one that has been keeping my eyes on my shoes for the last 15 years. The thought of finding out that nothing is there and that I am just a huge wuss. And that is why i have been afraid to fight. Actually...it isn't even the fight that I am afraid of, it is not the pain, it is not the humble pie that I'd swallow in a loss...it is tasting that first shot and cowering into a ball that scares the shit out of me.
It's has become a more pressing concern in the last year because I have someone that I have sworn to protect. The day I got married, I stood up in front of our family and friends and I told my wife that I would put her first in everything. In a word: Sacrifice. I said I would sacrifice. Now, when the time comes, and it very likely will, when i have to sacrifice my body and my pride to defend her honor or something like it, I have publicly stated that I will step up. And if I don't, I am not only a coward but a liar. Do you see how important this is? Do you see all that is at stake? If you do, you know why i need to know this. Why i need to lose this fear.
I was watching a movie the other day and one of the lines in the movie was something to the effect of "once you get hit a couple times and realize your not made of glass, the fear is no longer a big deal". I really believe that is exactly what I need.
I have tried to explain this to my wife but that has basically been a lost cause. How could she ever understand? She is not a man. This is a man thing. So if anyone out there is reading this while wearing a dress or something like it, don't bother trying to understand, just let it go.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not going to go out and do anything stupid, like grab a stranger and just start slugging away. I haven't completely lost it. I would rather have the first one be over nothing though. Nothing that mattered in the long run. That way it could be a good opportunity to get my feet wet. Hockey season is coming up. Yes it may be juvenile and immature, it may be testoserone induced, it may be one of my less intelligent ideas...but I gotta know.
3 comments:
It's nice to see that you are writing again. The way that you are able to open up and just wear your heart on your sleeve is very admirable.
Have you ever heard the saying [It's not the dog in the fight but it's the fight in the dog]
If you get into a fight just to see if you can fight or as a means of getting over your fear of fighting,you may be worse off than before the fight. Win or lose.
Wait until you're in a sitution were you have somthing worth fighting for. then it doesn't matter if you win or lose because you did what you had to do.
Your odds of wining that one are far greater because now it's the fight in the dog.
I have known you all your life and there is no doubt that when or if that time comes you will be more afraid
of not standing up to the challenge.
Hey Cory,
I must also say that it is good to see you blogging again.
It is kinda funny. less than 4 days ago, I would have tried my best to convince you that all these thoughts are irrational and have no basis in truth. But I am now part way through the book, "Wild at heart", by John Elridge. He talks alot about a man's desire for adventure, to be strong and powerful, to save the beauty. He insists that it is God given. I don't want to say too much, because this really seems like a book that needs to be taken as a whole.
Right now I'd say that these desires to know your strength, and that you can defend your "beauty," are good, but just be careful of how you try to fulfill them.
I have been in a few fights, but two fights that were more real. Just me and the other guy, and a circle of hecklers around us. Blood, fists, and all that stuff. I will give you two things that I've learned from it. 1. I will always be afriad of fights. I hate the hatred that is involved, the fear, the anger. I am too sensitive to enjoy either winning or losing fights. 2. Victory comes from God. Everything you need to win a fight will be given to you from God. You don't need to worry about whether you'll be prepared or not, because God will provide eveything you need, even what you need to take a loss, if you focus on Him.
I wish I was more use in this area, I'm sure a conversation would be more beneficial than a blog entry. Anyway.
Great thoughts. I can relate. I know it sure makes me aware of my own deep thinking on these matters. I know that I have experienced both the good and the bad on the emotional front of expressing my reaction to a volitile situation. I have hovered over someone with my fist clenched withholding my rage. I have been mugged and kicked a man in the jewels and drilled another in the nose. At the end of it is a mystery. I still feel a longing to make things balance on the scales. Deep inside is a justice to make right the wrong we've experienced. However, bring into the mix a holy God and our unholy justice and suddenly there is a dilemma. Well, I don't think I've added a thing to your comments, but I just know you would rock someone's world pretty good if you got angry enough. I don't picture you with your head down. Besides, I never taught you to box that way. Hands up. Head square. Make it count. Don't think if you fight. Fighting involves instinct. Boxing involves thinking. Besides, if you need some practice, come for a flight to London, Ontario. Hey I saw your mom at my Mom's funeral. That was nice. I miss you Cory. Well, you want fuel to kick the crap out of a punching bag, think about the robbery of life through cancer. Now there's a whole other topic. I'd love to practically beat that one into the dust, try and deal with that! I miss my mom.
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