Crybaby

About every 6 months or so, I cry. I don't go into the closet or something, or have it scheduled in a day planner...it just kind of happens. I see something on t.v. or in a movie that grabs my heart and creates that reaction. And tonight I discovered a theme. Kids. More specifically, the father and child dynamic. More specifically than that, the father and daughter dynamic. It gets me every time. We watched a show that had a father watching his daughter die. It nailed me. I fought it off for a little while. Tried to swallow the lump in my throat, and open my eyes really big so that the tears would not roll down my cheeks, and i probably could have beat it back down into submission. But then i heard the voice in my head say, "Why? Why are you so opposed to that type of emotion? You're alone with your wife in your home. Let it fly man.", I had no logical rebutal, so i did. I gave in, and I cried.

To tell you the truth it felt pretty good. Felt like i was draining something that had been welling up for a while. After I was done, I started thinking about what it was in the father/daughter scenario that got me so much. And I think it is the simple fact that someone that you took care of, and is still vulnerable and innocent in your eyes, is in pain.

That got me thinking about being a dad. I can't imagine having to watch your kids learn the hard way. The restraint that it would take to let a child go and do something that you know will hurt them (and told them that, but they wouldn't listen), completely escapes me. I don't know if I'll be able to do it. But I hope I can. I am smart enough to know that the world will never allow you to completely shelter your kids. It seems very much like a delicate balance between protection and negligence. Letting your kids experience enough so that they don't get blindsided when the get into the "real world", but not so much that they become part of the "real world". With so much hanging in the balance it would be easy to give up and take the easy road. Let your kids join the other generations now being raised by t.v., and don't worry about it.

To my wife: Thanks for being my safe place.

To my mom and dad: Thanks for having the courage to let me face my own consequences and learn from my mistakes. I make a lot of them, so this learning style really works for me.

To Dad: Thanks for knowing when to step up and sacrifice, when to hold back and let us learn, and when to allow your kid(s) to step up and sacrifice for everyone else.