That is why I've been away for a long time. I can't justify, nor even explain why I have been away from God for this long. And let's face it, I don't think I'll be able to play the "well, you didn't either" card here. Little bit out of my league on this one. And that is what is scary.
You read stories in the bible about men of God, and how good God was to them, and it makes you feel like maybe you could have that kind of relationship too. Maybe you could do something stupid like want to bed some vixen that you saw at a party one night, bed her, knock her up, and then kill her husband and still have God forgive you. Still welcome you back with open arms. But what if you're just normal? What if you're not special? What if you're just...you? What if your body does have blemishes? What if you haven't done anything extraordinary? I don't know about anyone else, but i am as average as it gets. I am a burger and fries, t-shirt and jeans, t.v. watching, beer drinking north american male in his mid twenties. I haven't climbed everest, I'm not the champion of anything, and I certainly haven't slain any giants. I'd sure like to, especially if i could look cool doing it and not sacrifice that much. And, you know what? I'm guessing that for once in my life I'm not in the minority.
I can't beleive for one second that there are not more people out there like me. People that want to be something bigger than they are. People that want to feel that closeness of God, but somehow withdraw from him as well, with no real reason that they know of. Why do we do that? Why do I do that? To me, it feels like unless you have some amazing quality, it wouldn't make sense for God to endure the painfully long periods of distance. He doesn't have to be so gracious. And to be honest I'm worried that one day He won't be. That i will somehow have used up all my "grace days". We are talking about the same God that wiped out entire races. I'm a little less significant than a culture.
I remember when i was coaching hockey, there was this little shit of a goalie that threw his weight around a lot. He would always threaten to quit the teamwhen he didn't like something or get his way. In hockey the goalie is the most important person on the team. A hot goalie will win a game by himself, and is protected respectively by his teamates and coach. This guy knew that about goalies. The thing was, he wasn't that good. And I remember the look on his face when I enlightened him to the harsh reality that he was easily replaceable. In a weird way I feel like him. I mean if he was totally amazing, I probably would have put up with his attitude. But he wasn't. That's how I feel. Not totally amazing, and therefore not justifiably tolerated.
So what does God say to the masses that feel just like me? The people that have been absent and don't know why. The people that don't feel like He would endure all the love marked "return to sender". The people that have some sort of block, some sort of issue left untouched, some problem not addressed.
He says, "Come now, let us reason together".
This is why I will always come back. For some reason, He is still interested, despite my normalities. He knows I have issues and reservations about him and he invites me to come and reason with Him. That says that it's ok to have issues and hang-ups. It's ok to question, He just wants to be a part of it, wants to be asked and included. He is allowing me to question Him and, further than that, He invites me into conversation with Him, about Him. So I come back...hopelessly flawed, and heavy hearted, I come back.
