The success of my failures

Guess I'll talk to you.

What is it about man, that we must feel in control all the time? That's what power is really. The ability to sway and influence other people. Power is control. That is why I want it so bad. If I am in control of my life then I am powerful, and if I am powerful, then I don't need God...I just humor him. I don't know that I have ever consciously thought that, but i think that is what's going on behind the scenes.

Since i was a kid I have never ever truly felt that i needed God. I have always had a part of me that felt as if I would be able to manage. It's just easier with God, and you know what they say, 'if it ain't broke, don't fix it'. What is that? What is that sick voice in the bottom of your being that still thinks it has a back up plan to life with God?

This ties in closely with the issue that Jesus was most passionate about. When he saw people that thought that they had things under control (all on their own of course), He pretty much lost it. When he saw people advertising that the way to salvation was this "control" they have, this system of rules that justify your character before God, He flipped. He told them that they are missing it. That they are building themselves up by keeping the law, and therefore holding themselves above the more shunned members of society. This was creating distance between them and the kingdom of God, while the 'shunned' were getting ushered in ahead of the 'spiritual'. The poor, widowed, sick, and morally bankrupt were celebrated by Jesus because they got it, they understood the key sticking point for so many of us. In all there depravity they were forced to see that they are not better than anyone else. This was step one in realizing that they will never be able to uphold a moral code as substancial and unbending as the Law. Which means that they would always be unworthy in God's eyes. Hence their need and desire for God's redemptive plan. They knew they needed God. And thus the missing piece of the puzzle finally materializes out of nowhere.

When I read those stories I find myself wanting to pursue Christ with the reckless abandon that only outcasts seem to posess. So why can't I? I don't know. This need to have 'control' in my life is laughable. The depth of my control is nothing more than a grasping of the wind. I want to pray for this knowledge. I want to get on my knees and ask God to show me this authentic need for him. To open my eyes to the reality of my dependence. But I can't. Cause I am really, really scared.

Once you pray that prayer, I imagine that you will lose everthing that matters to you, you know, so you can figure out that you need God for that stuff. I don't want to lose everything. So I stall, and i procrastinate. I should ask God for the courage to ask.

But maybe he's already started on me. The way my life looks now, I wouldn't doubt it. I really need God's help. I screw up so bad, and so often that the need for God's guidance and intervention is becoming painfully obvious. I feel like such a failure lately. And you know what? Maybe that is a good thing.