Lately I feel like I'm being pulled in 10 different directions. I am struggling with 3-5 major issues in my marriage at any given point. I talk to a computer instead of my wife. I am not romantic enough. I don't do enough around the house. This is just off the top of my head. I have to concentrate on improving in all of these areas. Anyone who thinks that getting married will be anything but the hardest thing that they have taken on in their life is simply deluding themselves. Don't get me wrong I love being married, and I love my wife, but you go through seasons where you just suck at everything.
So, on top of the relationship issues, I have to think about family stuff, work stuff, God stuff, friend stuff, etc, etc. I feel so thinly spread. I can't get away from it either. My only escape is hockey. That is the one time that I get to shut down my head. I just wish i could be alone again. Like i was on the rooftops in australia. Nothing but me and the stars having a conversation about everything and nothing.
But life doesn't go on vacation, so you don't either. Guess this is the 'real world', huh? The real world is a horrible, cynical, wicked place that tries to drown you when you stop for a drink. And which pool am I drowning in? Money. No matter what I try or how much I work we keep going further into debt. We don't have any secret spending that I am not mentioning. We're not druggies, we're not shopaholics, we don't impulse buy...we are cheap, we are on a budget, we are watching our finances carefully...watching them slowly bury us. When you are not providing for your house you feel like a failure. Any man....any honest man will tell you that. I feel like a failure.
Something I'm not mentioning... I don't tithe. I don't give to charity, or overseas missions or anything. I have in the past, but that was long ago. I feel almost like it would be irresponsible to do so. I don't have any money left at the end of the month. Should I feed my wife spam and peanut butter and jam for 6 months? Is that what a really good christian would do? This is the reason I said I would never go into the church. I have never seen the church provide for her servants. Everybody I know who was in that position struggles through financially. I don't want to struggle to make ends meet every month... So I hopped on the railway... and everything is the same as if I were in the church anyway, minus the almost inevitable cynicism and bitterness that comes from a life in the modern ministry...ministry can't claim that one, i got that all on my own. Just kidding.
So should I start giving to the church? On paper that is the stupidest thing I could do. It is another bill that wasn't there before. More money going out, no more money coming in. On the other hand I would like to just give up all my financial worry to God and let him sort it out. He said he would take care of me. But to be honest i don't trust him. That's obvious. Otherwise I would be giving already, right? It's so stupid because I am supposed to rely on God, depend on God for everything. So if I don't do that, then I'm not relying on God and therefore do not posess true faith. But if I do go ahead and trust him to provide, I'm puting my God to the test. And if he doesn't come through, well...that is just God's divine right to do with us as he wishes. Questioning him is sinning.
Hmmm....let me get this straight....start giving to the church with no money to spare as it is, but don't count on God to provide for you because that would be testing him... and if he doesn't come through he is not unreliable, he is testing me, and besides i was testing God, or bargaining with him, or too proud to endure refining. It doesn't make any sense! Man's interpretation of this is so shot to cock. I wish I could just ask God, what I should do. Because I can't handle this crap. Things are only getting worse. Something must be done. I'm going to e-mail the pastor at my church and ask to speak with someone about this.
On top of all this, i feel super selfish when I dream of anything that i want that I would have to pay for. I hate this. God, tell me what to do. I'm tired.
All this, ironically enough, is leading me to God. The hope that there is an end to all this busy living, struggle, and stress is the only thing that keeps me going.
3 comments:
Hey Cory,
These are some tough issues man. I wish I could tell you all I've learned about God and stuff, but even if I could, it still leaves out the money issue.
I think you are wise to seek some financial counsel, which I am not qualified to give. Right now, I am at the end of my finances as well. I will say that I have committed to giving some of my income, so I suppose that is different. I have about 1457 dollar on my credit card (my limit is 1500), and about 600 left in my bank. I am just about out of money.
So I guess what I'm saying is, maybe you can live vicariously through this risk I'm taking. Or at least know that I understand. I will again say, gimme a call anytime buddy.
Hi Cory, it's Kimbo (small but mighty, you remember me - I found your blog linked on Steph's). I hear you on the tithing issue. It doesn't make any sense to me either. I'm lucky I have a husband who just does it, because if it were up to me I probably wouldn't: I think the same way you do. Oddly enough though, on our tight budget, our money seems to stretch further if we give more money away. I don't mean we're rich or that I get to buy whatever I want (far from it!) but somehow I worry less about money even though there's less of it around to make ends meet. I guess because God is making the ends meet. I guess it comes down to God demanding something of us, and us being obedient, whether we "get something out of it" or not, right?
Keep digging. I still admire your spirit.
Cory, your post really got me thinking (as usual);
I also used to give a tithe, but have stopped over time. It seems amazing how hard it can be to start again, compared to how easily I first started. Then again, tithing paychecks, and tithing my tiny weekly allowance years back isn't exactly a fair comparison.
The 'testing God' aspect of tithing is something I've never considered before. Having thought about it for a while I think it all comes down to intentions.
Anyway, I really don't know what I'm talking about (as usual). Keep looking, and hopefully you'll find answers that make sense to you.
Post a Comment