Dream on... Dreamer

Last night I was in someone´s living room. I don´t know whose place it was but I know that it felt like family. There was a woman and her son there. He was about 7 years old and felt like my cousin or something. Throughout the evening they had been passing around this small baby to those that wanted to hold him or play with him or whatever. It was almost time for me to leave and someone handed me the baby boy. I didn´t shy away or anything...I love babies, so i picked him up gently and put his little head and body on my chest and started to walk around with him. His whole body fit in a little bundle, and he burried his face in my chest. He was awake when i picked him up but as I walked around and softly talked to him (in spanish, I think) he very quickly gave in to sleep. That is when I felt it. The thought descended on me like a waterfall plummeting over the last rocks that provide it a secure and lazy path, and crashed into my mind with full force. "This is my son, whom I love".

I was completely overwhelmed with what rushed in. I felt a bond that i haven´t felt before. That connection with another person where the thought of giving your life for them is not a result of the emotion, but more like a prerequisite to it. It was very clear. My life for his. Obviously. No questions asked. It was this conviction that allowed him to feel instantly safe and then, in familiar arms, fully dependent, fully trusting, he fell asleep.

I never really knew what to say to people when they asked me if i wanted kids. I always gave them the same answer, "well, in 5 years or so". Five years being a short enough time to show that your intentions are there, and a long enough time to keep you from actually commiting any part of yourself to the idea. Don´t get me wrong, i don´t want to start trying this minute, but i also can´t say "in 5 years" with the same laissez faire... the same indifference that i used to. I think my answer will be, "yes, I really do want to have kids. Just waiting for the right time".

Maybe it´s because last night I watched a movie where the protaganist just wants to see his daughter and in the end never gets too. Maybe it is a male version of a biological clock. Maybe it´s because i just woke up and the feeling is still fresh, and the level of consciousness required for daytime functions is just not there yet. Maybe it´s because the magic of Nicaragua is playing with me. Whatever it is, I doubt that I will feel any differently in the coming days. Something has changed. I don´t know what...but something is different. I don´t think that anyone reading this should be interpreting it as "I want kids right now". Because I don´t. But I do want kids. I´ll just wait for the right time.