The Future, in Retrospect

Now and then i listen to song that elicits an emotional response in me. It's probably not limited to an emotional response. It's more like a connection to something ambiguous like the collective human experience. Regardless of what it is, when i listen to these songs I feel like I can relate. I feel like I could swap a few stories with this guy over a few beers at the dirty end of a smoky pub, and he would "get" them. One of those songs is Martin Sexton's 'Glory Bound'.

The song is about a guy that has an awakening after an accident, and realizes he's not happy with his life. The accident leaves him on the brink of death, but he can't help feeling grateful for the event that pulled him out of his monotonous slumber. He realizes he's not living if he's not pursuing the things he loves. So he sells what he can, packs up the rest, and hits the road to go wherever the wind blows him. Things don't come up roses for him... and he doesn't mind. Living in his VW bus, and surviving on whatever food he can find, he spends the next two years doing what he loves... playing music. During this time there is a constant tension between the life he pursues and the life he left. Questions about whether the risk and instability of doing what he loves will turn out to serve or harm him more than the "safe" life he left behind, swirl around his mind throughout this time.

The reason this song resonates so strongly with me is because this is how i see my life since i was 18. I spent the next 7 years bouncing in and out of the country, and in and out of the bush. I spent a lot of time in a tent, and a lot of time in solitude. I wasn't around my family a lot, and I left a lot of my friends in my hometown. When i reminisce about this, I didn't really have a reason to leave, other than "it just felt like i was supposed to". What i didn't know at the time was that taking this trip was what I needed to establish my life as my own, because I was never going to be satisfied with getting by. I didn't want to exist, I wanted to live. For me that meant getting away, and seeing the world. It's one of my biggest passions. And to do that I "packed it up and went to the winds", saying good bye to the family and friends at home for what i thought would be a year, and turned out to be a lot more. The guy that left never made it home again. Like Martin's accident, Australia wasn't the transformation, it was the event that started the transformation. When I did return, I knew i had started a journey that was only in it's infant stages. I wasn't the person I was when I left, and try as I might, I could never really fit back in the same mold as i occupied before. This made some of the relationships hard to re-engage in, and ended others. There were, however, a lot of people that let me be whoever I was in that moment, almost all of these relationships staying intact to this day. When i met this girl that thought like I did, and wanted a life of passion and risk more than a life of stability, I followed her to BC, and convinced her to marry me. Once one has a partner with this same mentality, the tension between the life you want, and the life the people around you want for you, becomes glaringly obvious. There aren't a lot of people that will want your dreams for you, and support you to that end, even if it means sacrificing in their relationship with you. Ironically, these are the relationships that, not only continue, but prove to be the most life giving.

Looking back over the last decade or so, I have wrestled with the same questions as Martin does in the song. Were my choices helpful or harmful to my life? Was "doing what I love" worth the strain of some relationships, and loss of others? Going into this new and terrifying chapter of my life, would i go back and change anything that lead up to it? While I certainly have regrets, I think that my major decisions would stay the same. If I had to do it all over again, I'd get on that plane to Australia singing:

say cheri, cheri, cheri won't you dare to?

Leave a message and your number please
Tie them up all my old fantasies
Put them in a big red bow and send them care of me

I'm taking a chance on the wind
I'm packing all my bags
Taking a mistake I gotta make
then I'm glory bound

So this is my encouragement to everyone who has ever had to leave things they cared about behind to pursue the life they needed to live. Some will understand, some will try to understand and fail miserably, some will think they understand but don't, and others won't try at all. The fact of the matter is this: We have to go out and pursue what we feel makes us most alive... we have to dare to. And regardless of how many mistakes we make, or how many cuts and bumps we receive in this pursuit, in the end, putting ourselves out there and chasing this will be more satisfying than leading a riskless life of wondering "what if?" We are more than glory bound in this, because at any moment we are doing what we love. It's not as if the glory is only manifest at the realization of our goal, it is intrinsic throughout the pursuit. Chasing what we love is, and will always be worth it. Because we learn more about ourselves and grow more through the pursuit than we do if we don't pursue it... even if we fail to catch it. The experience is rich, and an acquired taste.

So to everyone in my life that lives with passion, and takes risks, and sacrifices to pursue what they love, I say thank you. You inspire me. To everyone that has hung on this far, thank you... and keep hanging in there, because things have just begun to get interesting. And most of all, thank you to my cheri who answered with an emphatic "yes I would". Here we go.

The Salt of Life

I love women. In all of my travels and all the amazing landscapes and scenery, the trees, flowers and animals, in all the cultures and music and art, in anything I have seen in my life, I have found nothing that compares to women. I can't think of anything else as captivating and awe inspiring as a woman. In the beginning, my wife had a hard time hearing me talk about this. I think at the time she thought "women" meant "everybody else but me". She has less trouble with it since i explained to her that she is the crescendo of this movement in me. She is the ultimate expression of what I love so much about women. She personifies the qualities and characteristics that i have spent, and will spend, my life striving for, desiring and gravitating towards. Having said all that...there are others. 

Long before I met my wife there were other women that inspired me.  I remember being shocked when I realized (in part, and to briefly) the capacity to which I was loved by some of the women in my life. My Mom tops this list, followed by my aunt. I can't think of anything that has impacted and shaped my idea of what it is to love than the women in my life. And it all started with my mom. I have learned so much from her about patience and kindness, contentment in hard circumstances, and divinity in the everyday. It's no accident that women are the ambassadors of life. They are the best example of love that we have. We experience a mother's love long before we even know what it is. So show your gratitude guys. Life without women would merely be existence... an experience of time passing. They are the salt of life. They make everything better. As much as I love music in all its varieties and genres, its melodies and harmonies, the simplicity and complexity, its ability to capture a memory and create a moment; music and every other creative expression in the universe simply pales in comparison to women. 

So pay attention to the women in your life. Buy a flower, speak truth and gratitude. And don't forget to hug your mom.

~ Dedicated to all the women in my life, present and no longer with us. But especially to my mom, who always encourages me to write life, and live life as I see it. 

 

Happy Mother's Day

Is there a Doctor in the house?

Like many people out there, I'm unhappy in my job. But because i never knew what I wanted to do instead, I couldn't ever pursue anything. I had a conversation with my father-in-law that switched on the light bulb for me. He asked me what I wanted in a job. I started listing off professions that i have some interest in, but didn't get very far before he cut me off. "I didn't ask what professions interested you, I asked what do you want out of a job", he said. So i thought a lot about that, and it really helped me streamline my search. I created a criteria of things that I wanted out of a job...a template, if you will. I then started stacking jobs against this template. It's amazing how much clearer it all became. I have recently been giving a lot of thought to Physiotherapy. This is why:

1) I would be problem solving.

One of the biggest challenges I face in any job is staying challenged. Eventually I figure out the routine, I figure out the common problems, and i figure out potential solutions to these problems. When this happens my attention span goes in the toilet, and job satisfaction follows like toilet paper after the terd. And having a boss that won't listen to any of these solutions acts as a wonderful catalyst to this process! Physiotherapy would offer me a new patient every half hour or so and I would, therefore, be perpetually challenged to figure out each individual situation.

2) I would be using my brain instead of my back. 

Since I was old enough to work, that work has been labour. I feel I have paid my dues in terms of difficult jobs. I could have the cushiest job in the world and still have enough ammo to verbally bitch slap the first snot nosed punk who infers that I don't know what hard work is. Some of this was tied to my idea of masculinity. Working with your hands and getting dirty was part of what made you a man, in my eyes. I'm learning that there is a lot more to being a man than just getting dirty (although this is still really fun).  So i don't feel the need to prove anything anymore. It's time to switch collars! Maybe it's time to prove that i don't have a brick on top of my neck. Don't get me wrong. I don't regret taking this path. The work ethic that these jobs have instilled in me is something invaluable that I will be able to take with me... it'll just be applied to different situations. I knew that the person who gets born into a position of privilege, gets money handed to them, and doesn't have to put in any effort to attain money, freedom and success was never going to be me. It turns out it was going to be Paris Hilton. 

3) Versatility within the job.

I could work for a sports team, I could volunteer some time, i could work overseas, I could get a job at a local clinic, work at a hospital, start my own business from home, or start my own clinic (eventually) and get people to work for me. Those last two options really appeal to me because i could set my own hours, and I would finally be the person who profits from my work. Whereas every job that i have had up to this point has someone else benefiting from my sweat. I feel so used at my current job. I get paid a wage to do a task. Fair enough. But then you get some big wig that turns in all this profit from you completing that task. I've heard the argument of the big wig having all the stress...and i just don't buy it. I'd trade with him any day of the week. He'll be begging for his desk before I'm begging for my shovel, guaranteed. I understand that there needs to be a hierarchy but you don't have to treat people like numbers. I'm tired of paying the pimp. The many possibilities within the field would give me a chance to be my own boss. And one day maybe even create a working environment that people enjoy.

4) I gots to get paid mofo!

To say that money wouldn't factor in would be delusional. The fact that physiotherapists make a good living once they're established is a strong pull for me. I think that a lot of physio's are content with working at a hospital or clinic because it pays the bills nicely and has stability. That appeals to me on some level, but what really floats my boat is the idea of starting my own business. I think there are so may ways to market yourself, so many markets to tap into, so many directions that a business could take... the possibilities seem endless for those who have a head for it, and a hunger for it. 

5) I am fascinated by how our body works.

Every time I visit my physio and he explains what the body does to compensate for an injury, I am totally captured by it. I love finding out what is making my body hurt, heal, and function. I think that this is something that i just get. When doctor's take the time to explain why your body is feeling a certain way or hurting, it makes me feel like they give a shit. The opposite is also true... and way to common. Having a doctor that cares made a big impact on me. The first time i was in with my physio guy and he was taking the time to explain my injury to me, i remember thinking "i want to do this for people".

6) Health care of any form offers more job security than almost anything else.

Nurses can pick and choose between jobs, Doctors are in huge demand, RMT's can be working within days of graduating, and the list goes on. Health care demands are going up, so health care jobs are on the rise as well. And why? Because we are on the cusp of a massive increase to the over 50 demographic. People are retiring. Pant loads of them. And in addition to needing care, they are leaving more vacant positions than we have bodies to fill. The Baby Boomers are a huge generation. Families that are 12 and 13 strong are a thing of the past. A ghost story told around camp fires to scare young girls into abstinence and married women into family planning or frigidity. Then add cable t.v., unaffordable housing, almost over the counter birth control, and facebook and you have a major decline in population, comparatively. Bottom line is this. Demand for health care is increasing, so is awareness of the importance for healthy living, so are the opportunities within health care.

7) The BIG one. Making a difference.

I love sports. Being active is a large part of where i find satisfaction in life. When i was injured and couldn't be active, it was really difficult for me. Fortunately i had a physio that could see that, and implemented a rehab program that got me back into the rink within weeks after the injury. Physiotherapists help people heal. I love that. If i could be a nurse i would. You can't look at what a nurse's day is like and deny that they make the world around them better. They tangibly do good everyday. And if i was more comfortable with blood and guts, burns and cuts, and let's face it, other people's shat, I would sign up today. Unfortunately I'm not a huge fan. But i did want to do something like that. Something where i could feel like i am tangibly helping people. If you help an athlete overcome an injury and get back to pursuing his/her dream, you are making a difference. If you help a Dad rehab his shoulder so he can pick up his kids again, you are making a difference. If you help someone deal with a nagging injury from a car accident, you are making a difference. If you help rehab an elbow injury so some guy can golf with his buddies and down a six pack for fun rather than for medicinal purposes, you are making a difference. So from high brow to low, i think there is a lot of satisfaction that could come from being a physiotherapist.

With all these advantages, what's holding me back, right? Money. I don't know how we would pay for it. It's 6 years if you get into everything without waiting. The programs are extremely competitive and everything is based on GPA and practical experience. Meaning when your not studying, you're probably volunteering somewhere that will count towards that practical experience. If you're rocking anything less than an A- average, don't bother applying. Uvic admitted 36 students into the Kinesiology program last year. About 230 applied.  I don't know if this lends to having a part time job. At the same time, the chances of Kerianne being able to support me through school are pretty slim. Not that she is unwilling. Quite the opposite actually. But the opportunities I had aren't there for her. So we would probably be adding to our debt instead of decreasing it. That's very scary to me. 

So that's the skinny. This is where my head is at right now. If the plan works out I could be going to school as early as this time next year. We would have to move to Victoria for 4 years, something that may be mutually beneficial for Kerianne's business. So...logical? Nonsense? Not for me? Let me know what you think. Peace.

Recordar No Es Sufficiente (para usted la Abuela)

The clock lies

Feeling indifferent to the complaints and accusations

One more strike, one more chord

Mechanical and cold

How much can be taken from so little time?

Who feels the abandonment?

Who feels the loss?

Emancipation comes at such cost

Is the grace and love enough to overshadow 

The sorrow of your departure

Freed from your body and trapped in my frames

Leaving only questions in your wake

With the destruction of one foundation comes

The creation of others

And Tragedy sways in the wind, uncertain of her place

The distance between us measures as easily

As the influence of all your strikes and chords

The irony of so much life coming from a single death

Weighs as heavily on me as the cold rests on the day

Pedals and thorns fail miserably to convey

With the bar now set 

The task is inherited by the unprepared and unwilling

in the midst of the dark we turn

to honor, to uphold, to build, to push

With the rest of our strikes and chords

  

Moving on...but first...

I don't understand why people who have made themselves super busy think they have the right to hate on those who haven't. Get a clue. I'm so sick of these little comments like "must be nice" or "wish i could do that". As if you couldn't! You have scheduled your life according to what is important to you. So have I. They're different because you don't care about the same things as me and visa versa. Here's a little reality check for the busybodies out there. If you have your schedule crammed to the gills by your own accord and then think that you can pull some sort of martyr card, you're an idiot. Things get hectic in life (life's like that), and we want to bitch and moan about how hectic life is (this probably isn't super healthy but everyone does it, myself included), but when we take it to the next level and hate on people whose lives are currently more calm then ours, we're being stupid. That's totally inappropriate and very petty. We all need to unplug once in a while. If you know someone who is taking some "unplugged" time, leave them to it. The time when you need to divorce yourself from your current roller coaster ride is probably closer than you think. And if you have someone whinging about why it's you and not them, I challenge you to relax. So do us all a favor and take 5 minutes for yourself... because nothing says Zen like some asshole jeering at you from the sidelines.  

The Breakdown of the Family Unit

Edward Norton taught us that the airline passenger is restricted to a single serving existence. "Single serving sugar, single serving cream, single pad of butter...the people on each flight, they're single serving friends. Between take off and landing we have our time together. That's all we get."
The temptation here is to blame the multi face corporation that owns the airline for perpetuating this individuality, or, to put it more accurately, this self absorption. But that just wouldn't be fair. The truth is that we don't want to talk to the man or woman beside us, because they might be boring, or creepy, or uncomfortable. We don't know that, but we assume. We like things our way. We retreat into our world, where it's easier. We don't want to be bothered. After all it's only a couple of hours. Why would we want to invest time into someone else's life just to say good bye in 2 hours and never see them again? It just doesn't make sense. So, we get off the flight and we go home. We walk in the door and are confronted with bills, or questions, or tasks, or work. And we retreat again. We
turn on the tv, or go into the office, "work" outside in the garage or the yard. Our world, our way.
We have forgotten what community is. We have become so lazy in our culture that we don't even put an effort into relationship anymore. This is what the family has become. A house of individuals with their own things going on. No one is involved with each other because it's easier to just relax. I mean, you earned it, am i right? Nowadays you have to bust your ass so hard to make ends meet that you are entitled to some time to recharge. And how are they going to understand what you are going through today? It wasn't like this when they were this age. Ans so the family spirals down further and further.
I think one of the major factors here is laziness. We're not willing to put work into our relationships, and they wither because of it. It's easier to keep it comfortable. Relationships require work, and community requires solid relationships. Nothing good comes easy. Even orgasms require a little effort. But i can't convince people to work. So I won't try. Instead I'll bring our attention to another factor.
I've been reading a book that talks about differentiation. As i understand it, differentiation is the ability to hold on to your identity while engaging emotionally with other people. If you are too focused on your individuality, you will not engage with other people emotionally for fear of losing something and, because of this, end up without any sustainable relationships of substance. On the flip side, if you are too focused on engaging with other people emotionally, you sacrifice your individuality and become a doormat. That emotional connection takes priority over your other needs. Differentiation would have us live a life that is authentically true to ourselves within relationships with others.
But the problem is that we are not differentiated people. Parents want their role as leader to be so solidified that they see any other opinion as disrespectful. Kids struggle to maintain a relationship with someone who is trying to shape them, when they are exerting the majority of their own energy trying to figure out who they are. The result can be the family unit descending from a cohesive unit to merely a group of individuals in the same dwelling. Can you see how easy it would be to put your own needs above the others in your family this way? How easy is it to justify being selfish and self-absorbed when you believe that you are only protecting yourself. This is yet another way in which we live our lives in fear. It's pathetic really...reacting to some assumed situation never works out in our favor.

So what do we do though, Right? I think it would be a mistake to throw out any attempt at finding our identity or individuality. It would also be a mistake to do everything the people around you want you to do. Maybe all it takes is an effort to remind yourself that you are uniquely you everyday. Maybe that would reinforce our identity enough for us to stop defending something that probably isn't even under attack. Maybe that would free us to engage into emotional connection and subsequently community with the people around us. Having a self-reinforced sense of self might give us the security we desperately need to go confidently into these connections.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Life is Balance. It just so happens that with this balance comes freedom and harmony. I'm not going to agree with those that would have us believe the family unit is being fragmented through outside pressures such as the media or societal influences. I think that the biggest issue the family unit has come up against resides within the dynamics of the family itself. So many of the problems, pressures and influences the family is facing today could be put into perspective and probably resolved through the cohesion that differentiation would naturally bring. If Life is Balance, then Balance is Life. If we can find this balance, we will live more fully.

My bird's eye view

I was cutting some grass today in the rail yard at work. This task is really boring and your mind tends to wander. My mind has as much wanderlust as the rest of me, so it is safe to assume that it was gone for most of the afternoon monotony. As i was working my way to the other end of the yard I was surprised by a pigeon that I almost hit with my weed wacker. It looked back at me while trying to limp away with its wings. Both of the bird's legs were broken and it seemed as if one of the wings may have been broken as well. I am not a fan of pigeons. I view them as bags of disease that grew wings and took flight, trying to crap on anything worth aiming at on their way to the next redundant rendezvous. But, on this occasion for whatever reason, I couldn't help but feel sorry for it. The sight also evoked some basic instinct to "put it out of its misery" . It was the unhindered arrival of that little line that made me think.

Two years ago, maybe even 6 months ago, I would have put that bird to death rather than watch it suffer. But lately I have been wondering what right I have to snuff the life out of anything. I feel differently if I am going to eat it. The death then gives life and seems to fit with the example i see in nature. But to just kill things to end their suffering seems to fall in a grey area for me. Life is taking on this reverence for me right now. I just don't feel like I have any authority or sovereign right to decide which life should continue and which life should end.

So, engine running, bird crawling, i stand there in indecision. I start thinking about how much better it would be for the bird if I do something to give it a quick death, rather than leave it be and let it fall victim to a cat or raccoon which would almost certainly be more painful...not to mention messy. But then my mind, who has rushed back from vacation at the prospect of activity, counters this thought. Am I wanting to put it out of its misery, or put it out of mine. In reality, it is a hard thing to watch. You feel very uncomfortable watching something suffer and are to an extent suffering yourself. So are you trying to do something noble or are you merely trying to return things to a state that you find more comfortable? Is the pigeon having as hard a time as I am? It's not like it can speak up and tell me.

The other problem is that this is not a hospital. This is, for all intents and purposes, the wild. Sure, the wild has a lot more traffic than it used to, and has completely sold out to yuppie coffee houses and discount warehouses, but it's wild nonetheless. Am i interfering with an ecosystem by playing God? What about the starving cat or raccoon? What about my company management...who would see this suffering sideshow attraction as a solid business investment, or, at the very least, a tasty afternoon snack? Is it any less cruel to starve them?


It seems that Life is closing in on us. So many of my friends' parents are at that age (which is in rapid decline) where they start falling victim to cancer, or other debilitating diseases. My generation will have to face this horrific reality head on, and at home. Our Moms and Dads are dying. With so many loved ones getting sick, we must speak with our parents while we can, to find out what they would want. It is important to carefully and aptly dialogue about this so that we can come to an understanding that brings peace or at least clarity.

It's a heavy concept, but heavy times are ahead. So, while you still can, endure the discomfort for a conversation and turn over a few stones...ruffle a few feathers...talk to a pigeon or two.

P.S. If you survive that conversation, hang around and visit. Laugh together.
Love you, Dad.

Dream on... Dreamer

Last night I was in someone´s living room. I don´t know whose place it was but I know that it felt like family. There was a woman and her son there. He was about 7 years old and felt like my cousin or something. Throughout the evening they had been passing around this small baby to those that wanted to hold him or play with him or whatever. It was almost time for me to leave and someone handed me the baby boy. I didn´t shy away or anything...I love babies, so i picked him up gently and put his little head and body on my chest and started to walk around with him. His whole body fit in a little bundle, and he burried his face in my chest. He was awake when i picked him up but as I walked around and softly talked to him (in spanish, I think) he very quickly gave in to sleep. That is when I felt it. The thought descended on me like a waterfall plummeting over the last rocks that provide it a secure and lazy path, and crashed into my mind with full force. "This is my son, whom I love".

I was completely overwhelmed with what rushed in. I felt a bond that i haven´t felt before. That connection with another person where the thought of giving your life for them is not a result of the emotion, but more like a prerequisite to it. It was very clear. My life for his. Obviously. No questions asked. It was this conviction that allowed him to feel instantly safe and then, in familiar arms, fully dependent, fully trusting, he fell asleep.

I never really knew what to say to people when they asked me if i wanted kids. I always gave them the same answer, "well, in 5 years or so". Five years being a short enough time to show that your intentions are there, and a long enough time to keep you from actually commiting any part of yourself to the idea. Don´t get me wrong, i don´t want to start trying this minute, but i also can´t say "in 5 years" with the same laissez faire... the same indifference that i used to. I think my answer will be, "yes, I really do want to have kids. Just waiting for the right time".

Maybe it´s because last night I watched a movie where the protaganist just wants to see his daughter and in the end never gets too. Maybe it is a male version of a biological clock. Maybe it´s because i just woke up and the feeling is still fresh, and the level of consciousness required for daytime functions is just not there yet. Maybe it´s because the magic of Nicaragua is playing with me. Whatever it is, I doubt that I will feel any differently in the coming days. Something has changed. I don´t know what...but something is different. I don´t think that anyone reading this should be interpreting it as "I want kids right now". Because I don´t. But I do want kids. I´ll just wait for the right time.