ya...but life gets in the way sometimes

So I have been thinking recently about surfing a lot. I still totally suck, but it is only the last day of surfing that i did, when i finally started to understand what i needed to do. And it worked...merciful heaven it worked! I actually caught a few waves the way you are supposed to. I think that i finally understand what i need to do at what time. You get this feeling... you move this way. It felt great! And most of all it left me thinking, "i want more of this....much, much more".
But I´m married now. My life is not my own, and my fear is that the feeling i get when I am out on the ocean is over... because i have to grow up now. That is what happens when you get married. Your dreams die. You will have to claw and fight just to keep one of the dreams you already had....new dreams?....forget about it.

But it is a new dream and it is exhilirating. For anyone who has not done this, i don´t expect you to understand. But for those of you who have, especially those of you who follow Christ, you probably are feeling me at your core. One of my friends said that "it doesn´t matter who you´re with, when you are paddling in for a wave it is just you, the ocean, and your board". And he is right, there is something inherently pure about sitting on the ocean waiting for the next set. It is the isolation and relaxation I have been craving for the last 6 months. It is as good as being alone on the rink at 3am with nothing but a street light to show you the net, and nothing but the sound of a stick slapping a puck to break the silence. It is in these moments that I feel whole. I feel at one with the things around me and my Creator. I realize that sounds really hippy-ish but it is true. It is simple, and pure, and I love it.

I was left with the feeling that i want to surf again, but this voice in my head said, "you´re married now, you´re gonna have a job and a wife...and a kid before you know it, and you´re never gonna be able to get away like this again." And i believed that voice to. I believed every word. That is what other people in my life had said to me. Not directly, but they were saying it. Anytime you here someone say, "wow, that is young to be getting married" or "you guys are really young to be married", what they are actually saying is "Wow, i really would have wanted to live more before i shut down and commited to becoming my parents".

So it was with tears in my eyes that i confessed all of this to God and then later to my wife. I don´t want to just give up on things that make me feel alive. I want my passions to be realized. I don´t want to settle. Don´t let the nay-sayers in my life speak truth. Let them be liars and haters, but don´t let them be right. If they are right, then i am done. Emotional shut down. For what is life without dreams?

Kerianne spoke to me that day. And i believe she was speaking with God in her words. She said that life doesn´t end when your married. We both have dreams and she didn´t intend to give up on hers. That was one of the reasons she was hesitant about marriage in the first place. I reassured her that her dreams don´t fall away like sand in the wind when we get married. That´s not what marriage was...it was the opposite. Now she had someone to help her realize those dreams. An assistant, a coach, a fan. And in Kerianne´s words that was the message that came through: "For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you, and not to harm you."

After that conversation i realized that my dreams were important and didn´t need to be swallowed. I also realized that as long as i have Kerianne, I´m living my biggest dream anyway. My cup runneth over.