I'm ruining my marriage. If this keeps up, it won't be long before I am just another statistic. Just another number. Hmmm. That's a scary thought. Something as pure and powerful and beautiful as a marriage amounting to nothing more than a number in the end.
I have been more irratable, more angry, more sarcastic and more cynical in the last month than I have in the last 3 years. Needless to say it is wearing on Kerianne. I don't know why I have been acting like that. I guess i was trying to make someone feel as miserable as i do. Ker has hung in there though. I have seen so much of what we said in our vows become tangible through her. But I still feel bitter about something...and it won't go away.
I spent some time trying to figure out why I have been feeling like this. The first question I asked myself was, "what am I actually feeling?" Not sure really. I feel like I am passionless, purposeless, and at times hopeless. It feels like life isn't exciting at all anymore. Like i am part of the global machine. I have my routine and i stick to it. No spontaneity, no spark, no life. I said to Kerianne the other night, "It feels like life has lost its salt... like everything that used to be bursting with flavor is now just bland." And that was it....life has lost its salt. That's how i feel. It has affected me in every area of my life. It feels like a room that only has so much air, and I have precious little left.
So what is this powerful, this incapacitating that it can affect my whole life? The answer is simple: It is God.
My flesh is weary and my soul is dead. God is the only thing that could affect my everything. My whole life. Hmm, this is getting confusing. I need to break this down into something my brain can understand. Here's how that looks.
Problem: Life has lost its salt
Symptoms: Dragging the ones I love around me down into my current state
Root Cause: Dying spirit.
Solution: ???
My spirit is dying b/c I am distant from God. I have gone way too far in my life and way too deep with God to go without Him for any length of time. Evidently it has been too long. At one point in my life I was very, very dependent on God for my fire. By "fire" I mean the thing that gets you out of bed with a smile on your face, the thing that makes you feel like you are actually good to be around, or have around, the thing that makes you feel like your existence is somehow positive, makes you feel like you have hope, a mission, a purpose. That is what i mean by "fire". God was good. He supplied me with that. At that time I could see no way of existing outside of his plans for me and, lived simply for knowing and getting to know God. It feels weird to even type that now. We have been apart for some time now. You cannot slowly drift away from the thing that gives you life and still expect to feel alive.
I feel like my minidisc player. When I plug it into the wall, it has an unlimited power source and therefore will serve its purpose and play music... the whole reason for its existence in the first place. But when it is away from the power source it runs on a finite, and limited battery for its power supply. It will only run so long before it is completely out of life and can no longer perform the function for which it exists.
That is me. Away from my power source and out of life. You don't go as deep into a relationship with God as i have (I'm not saying I'm a saint, but we were friends and I'm not going to water that down) and then walk away without feeling anything. Like any friendship gone astray, you feel it. You will feel as much pain as you had love for that person, and you will feel as dry as that relationship watered you. The more life you received from that relationship, the more life you will realize is missing. You feel like a spectre, a ghost. So you can imagine how it feels when you are friends with God, and then drift apart.
In a way this is an answer to prayer. I once prayed, "God, don't ever let me go. No matter what. I am giving you permission to override my free will. Don't ever let me leave you". I definitely feel that absence now. So I need to repair a broken relationship (with this realization God has already started to mend my marriage...this weekend has been great...and it is only saturday morning).
I need to mend my friendship with God. He is the reason my soul ever felt life in the first place. The reason I love. The reason I cry. The reason I can be a good husband. The reason I get out of bed and feel like I have a purpose. I know i need God. It's time to go home.
Problem: Life has lost its salt
Symptoms: Dragging the ones I love around me down into my current state
Root Cause: Dying spirit.
Solution: Come back home to God.
2 comments:
I appreciate your blog; gentle reminder to so many of us to look at our own walk and where it is taking us and are we paying enough attention....
Are you following your passions? Don't give up on those; don't let them go to the dust.
Are you finding a place to serve others?
Often when we feel far from God it is because we are not seeing Him (He does not always 'show' Himself in the conventional box we expect - sometimes we have to search harder, examine deeper, or just wait and listen in silence) . Are you seeing Him around you? He is showing Himself to you in a patient wife, in a loving wife - these are attributes of His character - He won't give up and He will give you the time you need or it takes to find what you are looking for. Your vows are being lived out - congratulations -you are learning the tough but rewarding lessons of commitment. Your Lord is committed to you; He loves you for your search. Be encouraged it is a journey; not from point a to b but across/over/thru/around....an adventure which molds and matures; refines your soul. Keep searching; keep being honest - thanks for the thoughts
Hey Cory,
Of course, big Kudos to your honesty once again. I'm glad to hear that this problem had started to work itself out by saturday morning, but I'm gonna throw out some stuff anyway...
I have no idea what kind of practical things that you have set up in your life to keep God's character in your heart, but I recognize some symptoms. I feel the way you are feeling when I spend my leisure time in things that are... shall we say... counter productive. so here it is... I hate giving practical advice, because I find when people give it to me, I feel like they've missunderstood, and they think I"m doing way worse than I actually am. I want to tell you, I don't know what you are doing, if you are already doing these things, just ignore this but here they are:
1.I agree with anonymous. Find a place to serve. Go into a church looking for a place to serve. Ask someone where they need people. But first, pray that God would show you a place to serve.
2.Bible Study.
How many time have you heard this one? Well, I'm gonna up the ante. two ways to use the sword:
i)fight the lies.
negative thoughts come into our heads because at some point we believed a lie. eg. I feel self pity because I believe that a wide screen TV will may me happy. Identify these lies, and get a memory verse in you head so you can say it when the lie comes up! It has helped me sooo much.
ii) read as much as you havetime for each night.
God knows your heart. He knows how much you have time for. And take notes. If your reading through numbers, and it is boring, write that its boring! Whatever you are thinking while you are reading, write it! Even if it is insignificant and repetitive. Start anywhere. I just go through it one book at a time from Genesis.
3.Prayer.
Find a place to meet God. For me, I have to be walking otherwise I can't focus. Some people can be in a quiet room. I can't. Find your way of meeting God and be honest with him. Sometimes we get into a rut though, citing the same problem over and over. Its in those times I consciously choose to pray for those that don't know God. And don't forget to praise Him! Remember how awesome God is!
All day Cory, we are getting bombed by things that are telling us God is no good, he is not real. We probably hear about 50-100 messages a day that tell us that we need something more to satisfy us. We need to renew our minds. Its frustrating sometimes because I have some of the same struggles I did when I watched sitcoms and R rated movies. But its what God called me to. And it brings me closer to Him. I really hope this helps. Hang in there buddy!
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