For quite a while now I have been saying that i was going to take a walk to try and spend some time with God. I still haven´t done that, but tonight i found myself talking to my wife about how i felt about God. I really do miss him. I feel that i am about half alive right now, and have been that way for about 6 months. My sad times aren´t as sad, my angry times are not as angry, my joys are not as joyful, and my life....hmm....my life? Well, my life is not as full. Like it is missing something big or important. I feel like somewhere along the way i lost something or was fragmented or walked down a side road because it looked interesting...after a while of choosing interesting looking side roads I forgot why i was even walking, or where I was going in the first place.
So tonight i was thinking about that. I was thinking about how much more alive i feel when I am around Jesus, getting to know him, reading stories about him, thinking about him. I just feel that there is a part of my life that is inaccessable right now. Like I have had my life restricted like a go-cart engine. When i am pursuing my relationship with God I feel more like life is full throttle again...like the feeling you get right after you get smashed by a wave your trying to ride. You`re hurting, but part of you feels happy and satisfied just because you're out there. There is something that feels great about being in the situation where you can get beat up and lose, and a little voice that follows all of the thoughts of regret and 20/20 hindsight that says, "ya...maybe...but at least your out there!". Next thing you know you win one or catch a wave and it confirms that fact that it is worth it to be out there.
That is how it feels. When I am in relationship with Jesus it feels like I am out there...like everything else is just me sitting on the beach talking about what that guy could be doing better and what this guy is doing wrong. That is so easy to do, and some people are right about their observations, but they`re still on the beach...talking. I found myself wanting to feel that alive again tonight. Wanting that peace about being thrashed once in a while that only comes after you ride something out. Not that God is my adrenaline rush. He is the guy that gives you the cool short cut tip, the guy that picks you up and actually makes you believe that you can get back out there, that guy that seems to live with the knowledge that there is something greater out here than what I see. I don't feel that God is withholding this quality of life that i am speaking about back from me, it's more like it is just inaccessible without him. Like going swimming in the bath tub...maybe it'll do but it is a poor substitute for the lake.
So I'm thinking about all of this and really missing God, and I realize that I'm needing love. I'm needing love on my honeymoon...3 weeks after another human being that knows far too much about me to make an uneducated decision has promised to love me for the rest of my life! Kind of weird. But it is not good for man to be alone, right? I agree. Kerianne will never be enough. While i was designed for a relationship with her, it will never make up for a relationship with Jesus. I love her but, she just isn't that person, nor could she be.
At this point it feels pretty hopeless because it has been quite awhile since i have interacted with God. The funny thing is this is how i interact with God. These long thought patterns. The quiet moments when I think about how much i need Him. If that isn't worship, I don´t know what is. So i started the night feeling really distant from God, and through my thinking about how distant we were, he pulls me closer. Because now i don´t feel distant. I don't think that i am "out of the woods" or "back on track", but it is a step in the right direction...it is standing up on the beach and walking toward the ocean again. And it feels good. I have a big smile on my face and a hyper, excited voice in my head saying "Man, I´m in trouble!!!".
This is the first time that I have felt safe in my travels here in Costa Rica/ Panama. I feel at peace. And so I continue in the knowledge that there are beatings to be taken and thrashings to accept, but there will be joys and smiles, laughter and play. I'm ready.
Hahaha....I'm ready.
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2 comments:
Better get ready...it's going to get messy...it's good to hear your thoughts and prayers...those are the things that matter...they are not of minor consequence, but in fact the opposite...don't stop the wrestle...those are the thoughts he wants...jz
Thats a pretty crazy story Cory...
It definately reminds me, that while my overactive mind and less than perfect life can sometimes get me a bit angry at God, I am thankful that he keeps me so dependant on him. I recently made something of a break through in my walk... but this is your blog, so I'll save it for another time. Its a scary, but exiting thing standing up and saying, "God, no matter what it takes, make me the man you want me to be." You know that He will do it. That kind of courage really is like jumping off a huge bluff. the difference is that God is more trust worthy than any depths. Fight on Cory, be encouraged, we are fighting too.
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