God really seems to be evident in some areas of my life. Particularily in the provision area. I've got a job that pays me well and is close to home. In fact this is the highest paying job I have ever had. Kerianne has a job that also pays her well and is close to home. In fact this is the highest paying job Kerianne has ever had. We live in the cheapest (rent wise....and sometimes "otherwise") basement suite that I have even heard of in this area, and because of our work schedules (we start at the same time but Ker gets off an hour later than me), we are fully able to get by on one vehicle right now. High wages, and low expenses. Sounds like the start of an infomercial.
So what is the problem?
My old man (woody) provided food, clothing, and all of my essential needs when i was younger. He also gifted me with sports and other expensive endeavors for a father of 3. But looking back that is not what i care about when I think of him. I care about the fact that my dad is one of my best friends. I can talk to him about anything...and that means anything. He is trustworthy, and a man of righteous character who would do everything in his power to make sure that I am on the right path/ barking up the right tree...what have you.
I see God as a father. And right now it is blatanly obvious that he is the God of provision in my life. I can see this through the circumstances and goings on of my life. But i don't feel him. Recently I thought that maybe that is b/c, with all this provision, i don't need him anymore. But to be honest, I don't really think that is true. It is amongst all this provision that I am still feeling the need for God. I know i need him. I need a real relationship with him...nothing else will suffice. I'm not just saying that...I know it. So why does God feel so distant? I am grateful for everything that he has provided and do recognize it as such, but sometimes I feel like i can't have my cake and eat it too. Meaning, I can't have my provision and my relationship. Which really sucks. But that is what I need. I need not only a Father who provides for me, but also a father who wants to spend time with me and makes me feel loved, not just see that I am loved.
My faith feels so hollow right now. I just wish that God could come and meet me on this level that I currently inhabit. I don't know what i have to do to feel closer to him again. Sell everything i own? Tell people to believe in Jesus or they'll go to hell? Volunteer somewhere? What would be good enough for him? Have i offended him? Am i squandering the gifts he has given me? Have i thrown it all away? IF so, when ...and what was it?
But everybody goes through silence, right? It is actually a very godly thing. It is the refiner's fire. Ya?...whatever...save it. Would you say that to a lost kid that doesn't know where their father is? I wouldn't either.
I don't know what this is all about, but I'm hoping for some clarity in the end...and, in that regard, I hope the end is near.
2 comments:
Good blog...hits you right in the gut...oddly enough, I can relate...I am in this funk of absolute deafening silence...and the line about telling your kid-now that's profound...I've got nothing to say except "God, I am dry as a bone...where are you?"...jz
Hey Cory,
when you commented on my last blog, you said that what I was experiencing is "a fire for God". more or less. Its kinda funny, because I didn't think of it that way at all. I'm just really frustrated with myself, really frustrated in my apparent lack of growth. In alot of ways, I feel exactly the way you do, though it may be over something different.
So I guess what I'm saying is that your sensitivity and desire for a more experiencial walk with God is fire for God in a non-traditional way. If you didn't have fire for God, then you wouldn't care and you would be like, "sweet, I life is good!" I hope this makes sense.
I hope this is not a version of a pad answer you didn't want to hear. I don't know about practical advice, like you said, there are tons of things you could do, and I don't know which thing God wants you to do. So I'll just leave it at that. Just continue to "work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who words in us, to will and act according to His good purpose."
TAwmis.
Tawmis.
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