The city...the city is haunted.

"Because this city, this city is haunted
by ghosts from broken homes"

~ Dallas Green

It's been just over three years since i moved to the west coast. This blushing metropolis, this jewel of the Rockies...she has so many blindfolded. It is continually pushed as the place to be. Vancouver is the place where things are happening. If you want to "make it"...better move in to the city. The city... I have been to a lot of places. I've seen different cultures, countries, and people... I have been robbed, I have roomed with an arms dealer, and have been in many shady situations. But nothing scares me more than the city.

We were designed to live in community. So it could be argued that no greater potential for this exists than where our sheer numbers are greatest. It could be argued, but could not be proven... not in Vancouver anyway. The city has a very different feel than the one I grew up in. It feels cold and apathetic. There is nothing that feels simple about it, nothing that feels basic or pure. He I am surrounded by more people than anywhere else i have lived and yet i have never felt so disconnected. That is what is so frightening.

It's not just Vancouver, it's almost any city. This could be anywhere in the world. The city sinks it's teeth into you and you assimilate, you transform into one of them. You become a shopaholic, workaholic, alcoholic...whatever your poison is, you'll find it here. And soon you'll be walking past the guy on the street to get to your condo and eat your processed microwaveable meal and watch the news at six. That is the most devastating effect that the city can have on a person. The city, in time, can make you cold. And the reason that the city makes you cold: Convenience.

Everything in your life is convenient. Everything in your life is automatic. You get the coffee beans at the super market, not the field. Your milk comes from the fridge, not the farm. Your meat comes from a totally sterile environment and gets placed in aesthetically pleasing packaging, not the brown paper from the local butcher. And slowly but surely this convenience kills your compassion.

Because we don't struggle for anything anymore, not for basic stuff like this anyway, and we cannot relate to others that do. We have closed one of the widest avenues through which we relate to our fellow man. There is no camaraderie in complaining about the weather. There is no bond between guys complaining about there wives. Nothing substantial anyway. Nothing that will hold up under pressure. And this becomes the mourning song for an entire generation that has never known community. We come from broken homes and safe guard ourselves in this ultra-convenient lifestyle because we have no concept of community. And we remain too afraid to take a risk, too afraid to feel, too afraid to really live.

It used to be quite different then this. Community was a necessity, not a semi-useful fringe benefit. You helped a neighbor build his house or barn. Now we sit at the end of our driveway drinking beer and informing our buddies how the neighbor "should" have been building that garage. The bond that was formed when we struggled together in a group was powerful, and when we no longer had that struggle, we no longer needed that helping hand. But we no longer lent that helping hand either. And the bond was broken. So we walk around with apathy filing a void that used to be compassion, and we lust after the poisons of the city like a cat in heat.

The worst poison that the city has to offer though, is success. I feel it when I am there. That drive...that desire. It makes you want it, it makes you crave it. The materials and financial statements, the vehicle and the house, the powerful, well connected friends and beautiful wife that the people around you will use as a standard with which to measure your life. Ah, but to state it out there in the open like that is not to do it any justice. It is such a subtle dance. A whisper on the wind that drifts into the valley. A polite and polished voice in the back of your head. It is, in a word, ingenious. And like cancer it is poetically deadly.

An elect few make it out, once in this trance. They are the ones who wake up by some sort of shock to the system. The man who gets hit by a bus, the woman who gets robbed at gunpoint, the heart attack/triple bypass surgery survivor. They get snapped out of it and wonder what they have been spending all their time on. Life is right outside their window waiting to play, and they see it now...like they are seeing it for the first time. And they start to live differently. Start to think differently. They awaken.

I think that is what is happening to me. I feel like I am waking up. I want to get back to a simple kind of life. Something where I am more connected with those around me, more connected to my eco-system, more engaged in life instead of just in the same room as it. I know that there are others that feel the same way. I hope that the awaken recognize each other on some level too. They see another person who is not just letting life happen but is tuned in, buckled up, and engaged in the ride. And there is probably this mutual respect between them. And that is good, because that is a great starting point for community. So if you see me in the city give me a nod. I'll be watching.

Why heaven will have golf

Golf is just a perfect analogy for my life right now. Kind of scary when i start listing the paralells. Let me tell you a story.

Some number of years ago, I started playing golf. And I decided that this was something I 'enjoyed' so I got my own set of golf clubs. You can't play the game if you don't have the clubs...well it turned out that you can't play the game with clubs either. For those of you that don't golf, please continue reading. Just substitute golf for something in your life that frustrates you to your very core and yet somehow has an alluring way of bringing you back again and again. Anyways, back to the story.

So I got my clubs and i started golfing, not all the time, but once in a while. In the beginning i wasn't very good, but i gave myself a grace period because i was just learning. I mean, let's cut ourselves some slack here right? As time went on, my golf game didn't improve and I had to come to the realization that the grace period was over and i just sucked at golf. This is a piece of humble pie that i have eaten many times and yet always goes down with a harsh and terrible after taste. But I am not a quitter. After a certain point in my life, I cannot remember quitting anything. So I faced into the wind, manned up, and kept golfing...poorly.

Somewhere along the line, I don't know when... but somewhere, I realised there is something fundamentally wrong with my golf game. My swing was all wrong. My approach to the game was completely off, and I was suffering the consequences. Looking back...it had always been wrong. From the first time I picked up a club, it was wrong. So i had to go back to the drawing board. I had to suck it up and admit that the habits i had built and the way i was playing the game was wrong. After years of playing, I scrapped everything and started from scratch. Not because I wanted to, but because it was necessary.

If i was ever going to be good at this game i would have to unlearn everything i knew and learn everything i was missing. My desire to get better was sincere, so I worked at it. I went to the driving range, I read golf magazines, I researched online, and practiced my swing in our basement at 1:00 in the a.m. Then came my chance to put all of my new found skills to the test. My chance to see all of my progress and reap all the rewards for my hard work. You know what? I shot one of the worst games in my life. Nothing short of disastrous. My game came crashing down around me like glass walls.

And in a sense i was feeling a little shattered myself. All of that effort, all of that time, all of that rewiring of my entire approach and it didn't make a lick of difference. I still suck.

My father-in-law asked me once,

"Do you know why they call it golf?"

"No" I said.

"...because f*ck was taken."

That made me laugh. It is so true. The game brings out the worst in you, however...like most things that bring out the worst in you, it inherently has the potential to bring out the best in you.

So with my tail tucked neatly between my legs and my head down, I drudge forward. Hoping for that one day when i realize that things are better. Hoping for that perfect shot, that perfect round, that perfect day. And I step up to the whites and look in my golf bag at my clubs knowing that there are a few of them that will be hurled through the air during a tantrum of frustration in its purest form. But what am I going to do? Stop playing? I can't stop playing. So I guess I better keep trying to improve. Ahh golf....so much like life. Chalked full of frustration and dripping with irony.... with just enough glimmer of hope to suck you in to the next round. I hate this game... See you on the first tee.

Quote the Raven

I've never dealt with death. It has always been something that i have heard about but never seen. Like a monster that lives on the outskirts of town by the river. Occasionally it comes up and attacks someone or eats someone, but i have never seen it...not from my house. So that means that I have learned nothing about how to deal with death. Sure, I've listened to other people, but how much can you learn about the way you will experience something, from someone else's experience.

My guess would be that I would be completely undone for a while. Having no idea how long "a while " might be. I think I would be struggling not to be completely consumed by it every second of every day. And then, like a man fighting against the stone on his chest for that next breath...i'd just exhale and take it in wholly. Death scares the shit out of me. Will I be able to handle it? Or will I be one of the people you pretend not to hear talking to themselves as you walk by on the street?

It's the pain that scares me. The weight of it alone will crush some of us. Are you one of the predestined crushees? Am I? To be honest I don't even know why the pain scares me. Why do I feel fear when I think of pain? Pain is crappy and it sucks to deal with, but why does it incite fear? It is as much a part of life as a smile or a cough. I'm not scared of those. Pain is like a red light, it sucks and you are annoyed but you shouldn't fear it. There is no reason. It is part of the ride, and so you accept it. You swallow the fact that in your car you will hit red lights frequently, and move on, right? Right.

What I need to do is find a way to be less scared. Find a way to be okay with the fact that I am going to lose people. I need to find a way to ease death. And nothing eases death more than life.

The more you live, the less you die. The hardest thing for me to deal with would be regrets. So i can ease death by living as fully as I can with everyone I can. Being as present in each moment that goes by as I can possiby be.

Sounds easy right? Yeah, fat chance. But if I could choose one thing for me to work on right now, this would be it. Being present. In the moment...in any given moment. I imagine if I succeeded at this, I would be able to deal with death a bit easier. Pain and Death are not much different. They both are harsh lovers that would trick you into the biggest fall of you life. But embracing the fear of the two seems to be contrary to what would help you get through it. In the end, Pain exists... but i don't have to be afraid of it just because it's there. A lot of things are here, are present, and I'm not scared of them just for being around. To say that Pain is bad or evil is not totally true. The explanation falls short. Pain is. Death is. That hits a lot closer to the mark.

So maybe by embracing life as fully as we can we take some of the sting out of death. Maybe not. But even if death hurts just as bad, wouldn't trying to milk ever moment your given on this big fuzzy blue ball be a good idea? Bed time. I'm going to hold my wife tightly tonight.

The success of my failures

Guess I'll talk to you.

What is it about man, that we must feel in control all the time? That's what power is really. The ability to sway and influence other people. Power is control. That is why I want it so bad. If I am in control of my life then I am powerful, and if I am powerful, then I don't need God...I just humor him. I don't know that I have ever consciously thought that, but i think that is what's going on behind the scenes.

Since i was a kid I have never ever truly felt that i needed God. I have always had a part of me that felt as if I would be able to manage. It's just easier with God, and you know what they say, 'if it ain't broke, don't fix it'. What is that? What is that sick voice in the bottom of your being that still thinks it has a back up plan to life with God?

This ties in closely with the issue that Jesus was most passionate about. When he saw people that thought that they had things under control (all on their own of course), He pretty much lost it. When he saw people advertising that the way to salvation was this "control" they have, this system of rules that justify your character before God, He flipped. He told them that they are missing it. That they are building themselves up by keeping the law, and therefore holding themselves above the more shunned members of society. This was creating distance between them and the kingdom of God, while the 'shunned' were getting ushered in ahead of the 'spiritual'. The poor, widowed, sick, and morally bankrupt were celebrated by Jesus because they got it, they understood the key sticking point for so many of us. In all there depravity they were forced to see that they are not better than anyone else. This was step one in realizing that they will never be able to uphold a moral code as substancial and unbending as the Law. Which means that they would always be unworthy in God's eyes. Hence their need and desire for God's redemptive plan. They knew they needed God. And thus the missing piece of the puzzle finally materializes out of nowhere.

When I read those stories I find myself wanting to pursue Christ with the reckless abandon that only outcasts seem to posess. So why can't I? I don't know. This need to have 'control' in my life is laughable. The depth of my control is nothing more than a grasping of the wind. I want to pray for this knowledge. I want to get on my knees and ask God to show me this authentic need for him. To open my eyes to the reality of my dependence. But I can't. Cause I am really, really scared.

Once you pray that prayer, I imagine that you will lose everthing that matters to you, you know, so you can figure out that you need God for that stuff. I don't want to lose everything. So I stall, and i procrastinate. I should ask God for the courage to ask.

But maybe he's already started on me. The way my life looks now, I wouldn't doubt it. I really need God's help. I screw up so bad, and so often that the need for God's guidance and intervention is becoming painfully obvious. I feel like such a failure lately. And you know what? Maybe that is a good thing.

What I'm not supposed to say

Lately I feel like I'm being pulled in 10 different directions. I am struggling with 3-5 major issues in my marriage at any given point. I talk to a computer instead of my wife. I am not romantic enough. I don't do enough around the house. This is just off the top of my head. I have to concentrate on improving in all of these areas. Anyone who thinks that getting married will be anything but the hardest thing that they have taken on in their life is simply deluding themselves. Don't get me wrong I love being married, and I love my wife, but you go through seasons where you just suck at everything.

So, on top of the relationship issues, I have to think about family stuff, work stuff, God stuff, friend stuff, etc, etc. I feel so thinly spread. I can't get away from it either. My only escape is hockey. That is the one time that I get to shut down my head. I just wish i could be alone again. Like i was on the rooftops in australia. Nothing but me and the stars having a conversation about everything and nothing.

But life doesn't go on vacation, so you don't either. Guess this is the 'real world', huh? The real world is a horrible, cynical, wicked place that tries to drown you when you stop for a drink. And which pool am I drowning in? Money. No matter what I try or how much I work we keep going further into debt. We don't have any secret spending that I am not mentioning. We're not druggies, we're not shopaholics, we don't impulse buy...we are cheap, we are on a budget, we are watching our finances carefully...watching them slowly bury us. When you are not providing for your house you feel like a failure. Any man....any honest man will tell you that. I feel like a failure.

Something I'm not mentioning... I don't tithe. I don't give to charity, or overseas missions or anything. I have in the past, but that was long ago. I feel almost like it would be irresponsible to do so. I don't have any money left at the end of the month. Should I feed my wife spam and peanut butter and jam for 6 months? Is that what a really good christian would do? This is the reason I said I would never go into the church. I have never seen the church provide for her servants. Everybody I know who was in that position struggles through financially. I don't want to struggle to make ends meet every month... So I hopped on the railway... and everything is the same as if I were in the church anyway, minus the almost inevitable cynicism and bitterness that comes from a life in the modern ministry...ministry can't claim that one, i got that all on my own. Just kidding.

So should I start giving to the church? On paper that is the stupidest thing I could do. It is another bill that wasn't there before. More money going out, no more money coming in. On the other hand I would like to just give up all my financial worry to God and let him sort it out. He said he would take care of me. But to be honest i don't trust him. That's obvious. Otherwise I would be giving already, right? It's so stupid because I am supposed to rely on God, depend on God for everything. So if I don't do that, then I'm not relying on God and therefore do not posess true faith. But if I do go ahead and trust him to provide, I'm puting my God to the test. And if he doesn't come through, well...that is just God's divine right to do with us as he wishes. Questioning him is sinning.

Hmmm....let me get this straight....start giving to the church with no money to spare as it is, but don't count on God to provide for you because that would be testing him... and if he doesn't come through he is not unreliable, he is testing me, and besides i was testing God, or bargaining with him, or too proud to endure refining. It doesn't make any sense! Man's interpretation of this is so shot to cock. I wish I could just ask God, what I should do. Because I can't handle this crap. Things are only getting worse. Something must be done. I'm going to e-mail the pastor at my church and ask to speak with someone about this.

On top of all this, i feel super selfish when I dream of anything that i want that I would have to pay for. I hate this. God, tell me what to do. I'm tired.

All this, ironically enough, is leading me to God. The hope that there is an end to all this busy living, struggle, and stress is the only thing that keeps me going.

Comments

comments are back...sorry for the frustration.

Don't call it a comeback

I've been away for a long time now. I want to come back but I am scared. I don't know how things work up there, but down here, when you leave a relationship alone for 2 years... it usually dies. Best case scenario would be the awkwardness stemming from the underlying bitterness of one, if not both of you towards the other for not making the relationship enough of a priority. I have a lot of relationships like this. I know, I know...I've said it to myself lots. I've said, "life gets in the way" and "people just end up taking different paths", and I know that's true, but it doesn't take away the hurt that is hiding in the situation, like a little kid playing hide-and-go-seek. And we know that there is hurt there...so we avoid it. We avoid the person, we avoid the phone calls, we avoid anything but surface level conversation, we avoid everything. Cause if we stay away, maybe the hurt will too.

That is why I've been away for a long time. I can't justify, nor even explain why I have been away from God for this long. And let's face it, I don't think I'll be able to play the "well, you didn't either" card here. Little bit out of my league on this one. And that is what is scary.

You read stories in the bible about men of God, and how good God was to them, and it makes you feel like maybe you could have that kind of relationship too. Maybe you could do something stupid like want to bed some vixen that you saw at a party one night, bed her, knock her up, and then kill her husband and still have God forgive you. Still welcome you back with open arms. But what if you're just normal? What if you're not special? What if you're just...you? What if your body does have blemishes? What if you haven't done anything extraordinary? I don't know about anyone else, but i am as average as it gets. I am a burger and fries, t-shirt and jeans, t.v. watching, beer drinking north american male in his mid twenties. I haven't climbed everest, I'm not the champion of anything, and I certainly haven't slain any giants. I'd sure like to, especially if i could look cool doing it and not sacrifice that much. And, you know what? I'm guessing that for once in my life I'm not in the minority.



I can't beleive for one second that there are not more people out there like me. People that want to be something bigger than they are. People that want to feel that closeness of God, but somehow withdraw from him as well, with no real reason that they know of. Why do we do that? Why do I do that? To me, it feels like unless you have some amazing quality, it wouldn't make sense for God to endure the painfully long periods of distance. He doesn't have to be so gracious. And to be honest I'm worried that one day He won't be. That i will somehow have used up all my "grace days". We are talking about the same God that wiped out entire races. I'm a little less significant than a culture.



I remember when i was coaching hockey, there was this little shit of a goalie that threw his weight around a lot. He would always threaten to quit the teamwhen he didn't like something or get his way. In hockey the goalie is the most important person on the team. A hot goalie will win a game by himself, and is protected respectively by his teamates and coach. This guy knew that about goalies. The thing was, he wasn't that good. And I remember the look on his face when I enlightened him to the harsh reality that he was easily replaceable. In a weird way I feel like him. I mean if he was totally amazing, I probably would have put up with his attitude. But he wasn't. That's how I feel. Not totally amazing, and therefore not justifiably tolerated.



So what does God say to the masses that feel just like me? The people that have been absent and don't know why. The people that don't feel like He would endure all the love marked "return to sender". The people that have some sort of block, some sort of issue left untouched, some problem not addressed.

He says, "Come now, let us reason together".



This is why I will always come back. For some reason, He is still interested, despite my normalities. He knows I have issues and reservations about him and he invites me to come and reason with Him. That says that it's ok to have issues and hang-ups. It's ok to question, He just wants to be a part of it, wants to be asked and included. He is allowing me to question Him and, further than that, He invites me into conversation with Him, about Him. So I come back...hopelessly flawed, and heavy hearted, I come back.

Is Heaven Easy?

Kind of an odd question right? How could the happiest, most fulfilling place we could ever imagine be hard or work? My answer to that would be "nothing good comes easy".

It's like we have this concept of heaven that will have us around everyone we ever cared about and enjoying the blue sky and sun while we sit and catch up with all of our friends in between the most heart felt worship sessions we could ever dream of. Where did we get this? I think there are some serious questions I would like to ask about my idea of heaven. Will I have to work on my friendships or will they all be perfect? Will I still struggle with giving money to those in need? Does some sort of currency even exist there? (I sure hope not!)

I'm not trying to be cynical, Lord knows there is plenty of that to go around, I'm just exploring this feeling that I have that says, "just hang in a little longer. Then everything will be fine". It doesn't make sense to me that I won't have struggles in heaven. Can we even interact with one another without conflict? It's not like heaven is an environment incapable of conflict. Remember Lucifer? Can't imagine that was a nice chat over a spot of tea. The reason I'm wondering all of this stuff is...I think that I really rely on the fact that things will get easier later. And I am just realizing, no one ever said that.

At work, I can get through a day where it is pissing down on me for 8 hours of my least favorite task, simply leaning on the thought of a hot shower at the end. I think that we probably have the same mechanism guiding our concept of heaven. That little voice saying, "just a little further, it will be worth it". That may be very true but i always took it to mean, "just a little further and then you'll never have to do this again". But I imagine I will still struggle with stuff. Will having God so near, so tangible be enough to quell any doubts about his feelings for you, or your worth, or your relationship with Him? I'm just kind of rambling here, but I'll leave you with this final question: Will being in a perfect place make us perfect...or will we be the same shattered, messed up creatures that we are down here? What do you think?

You roll the dice yet?

How can you really be assured of your salvation? How do you know your faith is the right one. There are a plethora of spiritual paths out there... a lot of them claiming to be the only option. So how do we actually know? How do I know? I was brought up to believe that Jesus is the way the truth and the life, but how am i assured of that?

The truth is, I am not. I cannot know whether my path is the path to God or not. Everyone is faced with this dilemna of deciding their own fate. Everyone must pick a side, everyone must choose. And guess what... not choosing a side...choosing not to choose, IS a side. And your camp might be the biggest if that is what you relate to. The stakes could not be higher. You have to take everything you know and roll the dice, and before the roll, you place your soul on the green felt. You only get one shot, so are you sure you're willing to gamble your soul on your beliefs? I'm not.

I'm not so sure I want to take what I have been spoon fed my whole life and the place my soul on the line in the off chance that someone, somewhere down the line thought this through and made the right choice. I am responsible for myself, and in the end when I face God, I'm pretty sure He isn't going to buy "Well...that is what they told me." I can see Him saying, "But what do you think?".

People will hush this sort of talk because it shakes the foundations of other peoples' faith. It has certainly shaken mine. They will call this "doubting" or "back sliding" or "losing the faith" or even "a spiritual battle". People will probably pray for you to recieve help from God to get the faith back. I think that if I was God I would say no to every prayer like this.

As if commitment is salvation. If I am really committed to being a Jehovah's Witness, and it turns out that Charles T. Russell was full of shit, then the level of my commitment to that will not make my beliefs correct. At different points in history the majority was convinced that the world was flat, disease was sin, and a fat white guy could squeeze his fat white ass down every chimney in the world. Please, if anyone did that much exercise they'd be ripped. But we thought we were right, and would scoff at anyone who said otherwise. The same goes for Christianity. Pentecostals think that Baptists are out to lunch, and Baptists think Anglicans are actually pagans, and everybody, even within christianity, thinks that they are the only ones who have the whole picture. So a search like this will be met with hostility from the kind of christian who does not have a faith that they have developed over trials and crushing and refining. They have a faith built on sand and don't want to be forced outside there comfortable little box. So they stay totally committed. Not to what they know at their core, but to what they have been told. Never straying outside of that...never asking any questions...because questions are...dangerous...questions are risky.

I think it is a moment like this, a moment of searching, that actually squeezes some real faith out. It is not until we break down the walls of what we were told to believe, that our own beliefs will surface. And until your own beliefs surface, you will forever be leaning on the wind.

So I question it. I question everything. Because in that moment, when I get forced into a position of admission, I want to say something that i believe at my core...not something that I was told when i was three.

I think when that time comes, in the end, that's all you really got. Whatever answer you have at the end of your search (if you searched) will be all you have to lean on. And i think that if you are honest and diligent in your search, God will honor that. I have a hard time believing He will be really pumped about the people that were too scared to rock the boat and therefore missed out an a more complete relationship with Him. Being really commited to the wrong thing is just being really wrong. Or at least less right, less certain then you could be. I want to approach God with confidence, knowing that this is the guy I spent my life building a friendship with. And I cannot see that being comfortable most of the time. Ya...that is what I am going to do. Make my best guess. Then roll the dice.

Crybaby

About every 6 months or so, I cry. I don't go into the closet or something, or have it scheduled in a day planner...it just kind of happens. I see something on t.v. or in a movie that grabs my heart and creates that reaction. And tonight I discovered a theme. Kids. More specifically, the father and child dynamic. More specifically than that, the father and daughter dynamic. It gets me every time. We watched a show that had a father watching his daughter die. It nailed me. I fought it off for a little while. Tried to swallow the lump in my throat, and open my eyes really big so that the tears would not roll down my cheeks, and i probably could have beat it back down into submission. But then i heard the voice in my head say, "Why? Why are you so opposed to that type of emotion? You're alone with your wife in your home. Let it fly man.", I had no logical rebutal, so i did. I gave in, and I cried.

To tell you the truth it felt pretty good. Felt like i was draining something that had been welling up for a while. After I was done, I started thinking about what it was in the father/daughter scenario that got me so much. And I think it is the simple fact that someone that you took care of, and is still vulnerable and innocent in your eyes, is in pain.

That got me thinking about being a dad. I can't imagine having to watch your kids learn the hard way. The restraint that it would take to let a child go and do something that you know will hurt them (and told them that, but they wouldn't listen), completely escapes me. I don't know if I'll be able to do it. But I hope I can. I am smart enough to know that the world will never allow you to completely shelter your kids. It seems very much like a delicate balance between protection and negligence. Letting your kids experience enough so that they don't get blindsided when the get into the "real world", but not so much that they become part of the "real world". With so much hanging in the balance it would be easy to give up and take the easy road. Let your kids join the other generations now being raised by t.v., and don't worry about it.

To my wife: Thanks for being my safe place.

To my mom and dad: Thanks for having the courage to let me face my own consequences and learn from my mistakes. I make a lot of them, so this learning style really works for me.

To Dad: Thanks for knowing when to step up and sacrifice, when to hold back and let us learn, and when to allow your kid(s) to step up and sacrifice for everyone else.

Greater love has no man....

A wise man once said, "Greater love has no man than this, that he would lay his life down for his friends".

Do you have any friends like this? Hmmm...the better question may be "are you a friend like this"? Would your name come up when any of your friends think of who in their life would sacrifice for them? Mine wouldn't.

You must understand...this is a phrase that i used to build my life around. I tried my best to model this in my life. And this morning when i was talking with my wife, the subject of friends came up. She mentioned that i am not that good at keeping in contact with my friends from back home. That stung...but she was dead right. I suck at this. So I started thinking why I am so horrible at returning e-mails and phone calls and reaching out on my own to contact these people that gave me so much of their time before? The answer to this question is simple....I'm scared.

I'm scared that if i keep in really close contact with my friends from back home, I will want to hang out with them more, and the realization that I can't do that...well, that hurts. The more I talk with them on the phone or communicate through e-mail, the more I want to say a quick, "Hey, what are you doing tuesday?"

How selfish is this? I am protecting myself from the pain that I would experience in being away from my friends by slowly severing all ties with them. Looking back, this has got to be one of the most cowardly acts I have been guilty of in a long time. And my life isn't short on cowardly acts. Look how far I have moved away from "greater love". A phrase like that never had any fine print that read "only if you have a friendship that is convenient". IT was a blanket statement. If you sacrifice your life for your friends, that is the highest potential love you can have as a human being. Or maybe it is calling those souls like mine into check. Maybe it is a sobering reminder of what you are actually saying when you tell your friends that you love them. You know... a "count the cost of your words" kind of thing. Either way, in order to save myself from the insatiable desire to connect face to face with a friend from home, I remain absent.

How much of my life did I leave in Winnipeg? I know I left practically all of my friends. I left my family. I left the community I grew up in and everything familiar that I ever knew. I left the island I always came home to after being stretched and shaped into an alternate version of myself in other lands. I guess I never really realized the full consequences of my decision. Maybe I never will... but I think that i have a clearer window into that this morning. Having said all that, I would do it again...and again...and again. I never even considered it a choice, it was something I had to do for me.

And so I moved away...so what. It's not like I am the first guy to do that. It doesn't excuse hanging my freinds out to dry. The kicker is that i damaged myself more than anyone else. Each of my friends were only cut off from me, I cut myself off from all of my friends. Boy that was dumb. I feel more isolated now than almost any time in my life. So much for sparing myself pain. Hell, I caused it. I also hurt those that interpreted my lack of effort as a lack of concern or care for them.

I have not been the same since i left Winnipeg. The worst part about this whole thing is that I think I did all this same stuff to God. Like I left him in winnipeg as well. Man, I have a lot of apologies to make. I think that i better start with God.

What a lie! That i would somehow gain from shutting out the people that have supported and shaped me over the course of my life. Oh, how thick the wool has been.

I once asked a man I had just met what the best part of a story was. He replied, "the best part of a story is the redemption of a human being...there's nothing better than that". It was the most intelligent answer I have ever heard. Looks like I have to go try to redeem myself. Better get started.

Man of Glass

I've heard of lot of memorable quotes. Really insightful lines of poetry, song lyrics, prayers, creeds, sermons, speeches...you name it. I have read books about great men who inspired many. A short collection of words that can inpire, and sometimes change your life. Words. And, right now, for some reason...none of them resonate in me more than this, "How much can you know about yourself if you've never been in a fight?"

I've been thinking a lot about this lately. I know that this is not deep or spiritual. But who cares...I'm not spiritual all the time. Most of the time I am just some guy. And this guy has never been in a fight. I have certainly avoided a few though. And that is what has me still thinking about this stuff. I need to know. There must be men that would read this and think, "this guy needs to grow up", and my guess is that those who are thinking that have already been in a fight, or are too scared to ever be in a fight.

Since I was about 5 (maybe even younger but that is as far as I can remember)I have been controlled by this fear of being hurt. This voice that says, "if you get in a fight you will get hurt...bad". But after a while fear of the pain wore off a bit. That is when the same voice said something different. "You've never been in a fight before. You're not tough. You'll lose, and embarass yourself. Then you will feel like less of a man." That is the one that has been keeping my eyes on my shoes for the last 15 years. The thought of finding out that nothing is there and that I am just a huge wuss. And that is why i have been afraid to fight. Actually...it isn't even the fight that I am afraid of, it is not the pain, it is not the humble pie that I'd swallow in a loss...it is tasting that first shot and cowering into a ball that scares the shit out of me.

It's has become a more pressing concern in the last year because I have someone that I have sworn to protect. The day I got married, I stood up in front of our family and friends and I told my wife that I would put her first in everything. In a word: Sacrifice. I said I would sacrifice. Now, when the time comes, and it very likely will, when i have to sacrifice my body and my pride to defend her honor or something like it, I have publicly stated that I will step up. And if I don't, I am not only a coward but a liar. Do you see how important this is? Do you see all that is at stake? If you do, you know why i need to know this. Why i need to lose this fear.

I was watching a movie the other day and one of the lines in the movie was something to the effect of "once you get hit a couple times and realize your not made of glass, the fear is no longer a big deal". I really believe that is exactly what I need.

I have tried to explain this to my wife but that has basically been a lost cause. How could she ever understand? She is not a man. This is a man thing. So if anyone out there is reading this while wearing a dress or something like it, don't bother trying to understand, just let it go.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not going to go out and do anything stupid, like grab a stranger and just start slugging away. I haven't completely lost it. I would rather have the first one be over nothing though. Nothing that mattered in the long run. That way it could be a good opportunity to get my feet wet. Hockey season is coming up. Yes it may be juvenile and immature, it may be testoserone induced, it may be one of my less intelligent ideas...but I gotta know.

Man of God

So I have been avoiding reading my friend Justin's e-mails. My wife said that they would make me want to travel, so i have not read them. They were also really long, so I have not read them.
Tonight I read them...all of them. And it is not the travel bug that is poking at me. It is Jesus. In justin's e-mails he speaks of a life that is touching others, a life that is sacrificing, a life that is making a difference. Justin has been in Guatemala on missions with some friends that live there. Reading the e-mail does make me want to travel, but it makes me want to be justin more than anything. Justin is the greatest example of "a man of God" I have ever seen in my life. If Justin isn't going to heaven, then anyone I have ever met is going to hell. I know that is harsh but it is also truth.
Justin and I weren't all that diferent once. We were in the same school...twice. We worked the same job...for 4 summers together. We both were passionately and diligently seeking God. Now look at me.
I still have the drive to do something like justin is doing somewhere deep inside me. But there is this nagging voice that has been saying "too late buddy, that ship has sailed, and you weren't on it. You missed the boat." That voice sounds holds more truth with everyday that passes. You see when you so something like that, something that is so much bigger than you, or the country your in, or the work you do...when you do something like that, you feel centered. Like you are doing exactly what you were supposed to be doing with that day, with that season, with your life. How many of you feel that way? Like you are doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing? Like you are where God wants you to be? Like you are contributing to humanity? I'm not trying to make any of you depressed. You have to understand that I am not even that... down. It isn't like what I am feeling is saddness. It is longing. I long to be a part of something bigger than myself again.
A friend of mine once asked me what happened to us. When i asked what he meant he said, "Well, we were both here together, and now look at where I am, and look at where you are".The worst part about it is that I knew exactly what happened to us. I continued to make God a priority in my life, and he didn't. I have never been able to relate to him more than right now.
So i sit here looking at the picture in front of me, with me and justin in a group of people smiling away, and I wonder, what happened to us? What happened to the guy that thought he could be called one of God's friends? What happened to the person that thought that he might be able to pass for a "man of God"? Is there any way back there? That person took years and years to shape and make. Have I thrown all that away?
You want to know that question that scares me the most?
What am I willing to give up to get back there?

~Drifter

Backside 360

Sorry i haven't been writing for a long time guys. I just haven't felt like it. I don't really have much to say. I went snowboarding again today with my cousin and my buddy joe. I cased my head while trying to do a backside 360. I'm fine, I've had concussions before and this wasn't a concussion. Just a headache. I don't know why but i cannot stick this trick. I'm wondering if I am simply not comfortable enough on my board yet to start doing this stuff. I want to be like this dude up here, but i cannot do it for some reason. IT always feels like i'm going to catch an edge right before i go off, or like my arms don't want to wind up and spin me. I don't know. Maybe i should stick with learning ground tricks and grabs and the little 180's that i'm learning for a while. I have a hard time backing off of stuff though. Really hard.

Which is why my relationship with God should be at a better level than it is. I talked to my cousin about this stuff (among many other things) and he really made me remember how good it was to be in relationship with God. It is great. So why don't i want it? I know that if you do not continually work at something it will naturally deteriorate. That I imagine is what has happened. But i don't feel beyond hope.

My cousins passion for reading the bible really hit me today. He is really benefitting from it and does consider it a necessity just like the bible says. He gave me some advice. He said to start reading topically with what you are feeling right now. Pick a theme and start to search it out. Sounded like a good idea. So I wanted to give that a try. I think I'll start with Ecclesiastes. Maybe i will post my thoughts here. We'll see...anyway I gotta go to bed.

~Drifter

A friend in need is...no friend of mine

So I have kind of slacked off lately. I haven't been going to church on sunday, I have been snowboarding with my wife. That's right, Kerianne is learning to snowboard. She is doing quite well actually. I'm really proud of her, and am loving the fact that I can share one of my favorite activities with my favorite person. Anyway, my spiritual journey has taken a turn, and my mind has been focused else where than the church right now.

Kerianne and I have been talking a lot about friendship. I miss having friends around, and so does Ker. But I think that she needs friends more than I do at this point in our lives. I really think that she deserves a good friend too. For most of Kerianne's life she has either been the odd man out, or had friends that don't put in the same amount of effort as she does, which always ends up hurting in the end. If God came down and said, "Okay, I pulled some strings up there, and I free'd up one friend... now, you'll meet this person tomorrow in a chance encounter at a stop sign. Just smile and act normal. But i gotta know which person to send...so you gotta decide who is gonna get the new friend... which one of you needs one?" I would say "Give it to Kerianne" without hesitating. As much as i want to meet people and hang out with some men of Godly character, I want that for my wife so much more.

I don't really know why there are certain people who just get dumped on all the time by their friends. Maybe it is b/c their friends sense that they can get away with murder and so they try. Maybe it is b/c their friends sense a need in that other person that makes them uncomfortable. Maybe it is just bad luck. I don't know.

I can relate though. In grade 7, I lost all my friends. I would have done anything to keep them. But they didn't feel that I was cool enough to hang out with anymore. I'm so glad that they felt that way. What a bunch of losers. Seriously, not just the bitterness talking here, I really am over it. It was the best thing that could have happened to me. I learned a lot about what friends were. And then i got real friends. Friends that were there for me when I needed them. Friends that would stick by me in bad situations. Friends that liked me, friends that loved me, friends that respected me. Believe me, I have had great friends.

Thing is, Ker's never had that. I shouldn't say never...there have been a few shiny moments in there. But the people that were those shiny moments are a world away, or might as well be. She can't call any of them and ask if they wanna come over and hang out because it is a 2 day journey.

So, I don't know what this post is about. I just feel like my heart hurts when i think of what an amazing friend Kerianne is and all the crap she has had to deal with because she is not so cowardly to withdraw her heart even after having it stepped on. She still puts herself out there with this easy passion and genuine joy that says to anyone that will listen, "I'll love you". In a world so devoid of authentic love, it is shocking to see how common it is for people to miss this. Or mistreat this. But she gets up every time. She dusts herself off and continues to love. IT is rare for me to see so clear a manifested love than in that of my wife.

~Drifter

Brief

I'll blog more later, but i just wanted to write a quick post and let those of you who actually read this that I feel like I am getting some stuff straightened out. It feels good. Feels new and yet familiar. Things seem better with me and Kerianne as well. Not that they have been bad lately. We had a pretty rough go of it for a while there but once this stuff started becoming a little clearer, i felt that tension lifting. Now that I am getting direction a little bit, i feel it lifting some more. Well, sorry this is so short, but i want to go to bed. I'll write more shortly.

~Drifter

Are you Jesus?...Or am I?

So, I have been thinking alot lately (along with some very close friends) about what the church is supposed to be. I think I have come to a few conclusions:

The church is the hand of God on earth. The church is human beings fumbling through everyday life in an attempt to carry on Jesus' work. The church is telling people that without Jesus, life is hollow. The church is you...the church is me. Therefore, I have to ask myself "what am I doing?" What affect do I have?

You see I am very hard on the church. I get pissed about the formulaic, production Christianity that I see up front on any given sunday. Someone is generaly talking about life principles, or steps, or programs. It feels cold, it feels passionless, it feels less than human. But i so easily forget that the church is just me. It is just a bunch of men and women trying to figure it out as they go, just like me. What grandiose answers have I come up with? Where is my plan to live jesus out in my life? Where does the rubber meet the road for me? The answers are simple..."i'm not sure", to all of the above.

For so long in my life I have been cynical and bitter towards the "church". "Church" is simply a place where people congregate together to learn about how to live their lives better. I hated that, the fact that "church" has been taken from a living thing to a structure with 4 walls and a roof. But that is not what it is supposed to be. Church is you, church is me.

Listen, we have been called to be Jesus to people. We have been told to consider others better than ourselves, to clothe the poor, to feed the hungry, to care for the orphan and widow, and to visit the prisoners. Be kind, and merciful, and caring and compassionate. We have to be everything good to everybody. In a word, we must love. We have been charged, not as a group but individually to love others as Christ loved us.

This morning it was flipped on its head for me. I was reading a book, and it quoted the passage in luke (i think) where jesus is separating the sheep from the goats and he says to the good sheep, "When I was hungry you fed me, when i was in prison you came to visit me...". To the bad goats he says the reverse, "When i was hungry you gave me no food to eat...when i was in prison you did not visit me". The punchline?..."when you did this for the least of one of these you did it for me...When you rejected the least of one of these you rejected me". Horrible paraphrasing, I know, but there is something big here that i have missed. I am supposed to be Jesus to the people around me, but the people around me are also Jesus to me. I have to love like Jesus loved me, and I have to love the people around me like they were Jesus. That is really scary. But make no mistake about it, I am the church. That is my task.

How could i be so blind?! I am sitting on my butt complaining about how the church is sitting on her butt! The church is to archaic and produced to reach peoples hearts...and therefore i pledge a bitching session until she wakes up and becomes more affective and relevant. This is ludicrous! So instead of letting this bitterness for the inactivity of the church totally paralyze any potential I would have for the Kingdom, I am going to do something...I am going to BE the church. I just gotta find out how I can do that.

P.S. Know that this is not a shot at anyone else's ideas or journey. We are all on different journies and I respect that. Any hostility you see in this post is directed inward for getting caught up in nothing for far too long. Peace.

~Drifter

Making a Comment

Click on the number beside the Title of the Post to leave a comment.
Ex: Who Got Served? 1
(click on the "1")

Who got served?

I have been thinking about where I can serve, lately. No, not waiting tables. I could never do that. I would find it impossible not to make fun of the guy on the first date scenario. You see them, all awkward and stuff, and part of me wants to break the tension so that they can have a good time and the other part wants to up the anti and increase the pressure to see what comedy will come out of the situation. It's the angel/devil scenario. Do something like whisper to the guy (in earshot of course), "Hey....... we got it unplugged...took three guys and cordless drill, but we did it...just thought you'd want to know. (look at the girl, smile, slap the guy on the back) This guy packs one hell of a punch, let me tell ya! (whispering again to the guy) Nice going, she's hot!"
Mu-Haaha-haahaa-haahaaaaa!

Whoa! Blown of course a little there. Oops. Anyways, serving in church...or something. I know that it will basically force me to talk about God and give me a sort of springboard back into journeying with him. There is other stuff that i can do in the mean time. I know I can study my bible (which i will), go for walks or something (which I will), and pray (which I do), but it is really hard to get the motivation to start this stuff.

It is hard to desire something that will improve your quality of life when you are not seeing results. I know you have to actually step out and do it to see results but, you know what i mean. The temptation to settle is strong in me. I'm lazy i guess. It's like going to the gym...I would have to drag my ass out of the ass groove that I have left in the couch after watching the 11 hour family guy marathon, and to do that i would have to move the 5 bags of chips, 7 empty beer bottles, bag of nibs, chocolate bars, pizza boxes, and scattered skittles and M&M's from around and a top my body before i can make the proper dismount to get up and go, and I REALLY don't want to do that...but if I can somehow do it, once I am there I am glad I came. Funny thing is, that realization won't make the battle any easier next time especially if it is spaghetti night!

Anyway, the realization that this stuff is good for me is there, but it doesn't make it any easier to start the process. I think right now it would be a colossal mistake to jump in with both feet. Baby steps seem more appropriate right now. So I have started praying again and talking to God a bit. Today I think that I will go for a walk and just process life.
I feel like this process will be very much akin to introducing a tranquilized animal back into the wild. At first I'll be wondering "Where am I?" and "Why am i here?", but hopefully i will eventually adjust to my new surroundings and slowly make my way deeper into the jungle.

The bombshell

I'm ruining my marriage. If this keeps up, it won't be long before I am just another statistic. Just another number. Hmmm. That's a scary thought. Something as pure and powerful and beautiful as a marriage amounting to nothing more than a number in the end.

I have been more irratable, more angry, more sarcastic and more cynical in the last month than I have in the last 3 years. Needless to say it is wearing on Kerianne. I don't know why I have been acting like that. I guess i was trying to make someone feel as miserable as i do. Ker has hung in there though. I have seen so much of what we said in our vows become tangible through her. But I still feel bitter about something...and it won't go away.

I spent some time trying to figure out why I have been feeling like this. The first question I asked myself was, "what am I actually feeling?" Not sure really. I feel like I am passionless, purposeless, and at times hopeless. It feels like life isn't exciting at all anymore. Like i am part of the global machine. I have my routine and i stick to it. No spontaneity, no spark, no life. I said to Kerianne the other night, "It feels like life has lost its salt... like everything that used to be bursting with flavor is now just bland." And that was it....life has lost its salt. That's how i feel. It has affected me in every area of my life. It feels like a room that only has so much air, and I have precious little left.

So what is this powerful, this incapacitating that it can affect my whole life? The answer is simple: It is God.
My flesh is weary and my soul is dead. God is the only thing that could affect my everything. My whole life. Hmm, this is getting confusing. I need to break this down into something my brain can understand. Here's how that looks.

Problem: Life has lost its salt
Symptoms: Dragging the ones I love around me down into my current state
Root Cause: Dying spirit.
Solution: ???

My spirit is dying b/c I am distant from God. I have gone way too far in my life and way too deep with God to go without Him for any length of time. Evidently it has been too long. At one point in my life I was very, very dependent on God for my fire. By "fire" I mean the thing that gets you out of bed with a smile on your face, the thing that makes you feel like you are actually good to be around, or have around, the thing that makes you feel like your existence is somehow positive, makes you feel like you have hope, a mission, a purpose. That is what i mean by "fire". God was good. He supplied me with that. At that time I could see no way of existing outside of his plans for me and, lived simply for knowing and getting to know God. It feels weird to even type that now. We have been apart for some time now. You cannot slowly drift away from the thing that gives you life and still expect to feel alive.
I feel like my minidisc player. When I plug it into the wall, it has an unlimited power source and therefore will serve its purpose and play music... the whole reason for its existence in the first place. But when it is away from the power source it runs on a finite, and limited battery for its power supply. It will only run so long before it is completely out of life and can no longer perform the function for which it exists.

That is me. Away from my power source and out of life. You don't go as deep into a relationship with God as i have (I'm not saying I'm a saint, but we were friends and I'm not going to water that down) and then walk away without feeling anything. Like any friendship gone astray, you feel it. You will feel as much pain as you had love for that person, and you will feel as dry as that relationship watered you. The more life you received from that relationship, the more life you will realize is missing. You feel like a spectre, a ghost. So you can imagine how it feels when you are friends with God, and then drift apart.

In a way this is an answer to prayer. I once prayed, "God, don't ever let me go. No matter what. I am giving you permission to override my free will. Don't ever let me leave you". I definitely feel that absence now. So I need to repair a broken relationship (with this realization God has already started to mend my marriage...this weekend has been great...and it is only saturday morning).

I need to mend my friendship with God. He is the reason my soul ever felt life in the first place. The reason I love. The reason I cry. The reason I can be a good husband. The reason I get out of bed and feel like I have a purpose. I know i need God. It's time to go home.

Problem: Life has lost its salt
Symptoms: Dragging the ones I love around me down into my current state
Root Cause: Dying spirit.
Solution: Come back home to God.