Don't call it a comeback

I've been away for a long time now. I want to come back but I am scared. I don't know how things work up there, but down here, when you leave a relationship alone for 2 years... it usually dies. Best case scenario would be the awkwardness stemming from the underlying bitterness of one, if not both of you towards the other for not making the relationship enough of a priority. I have a lot of relationships like this. I know, I know...I've said it to myself lots. I've said, "life gets in the way" and "people just end up taking different paths", and I know that's true, but it doesn't take away the hurt that is hiding in the situation, like a little kid playing hide-and-go-seek. And we know that there is hurt there...so we avoid it. We avoid the person, we avoid the phone calls, we avoid anything but surface level conversation, we avoid everything. Cause if we stay away, maybe the hurt will too.

That is why I've been away for a long time. I can't justify, nor even explain why I have been away from God for this long. And let's face it, I don't think I'll be able to play the "well, you didn't either" card here. Little bit out of my league on this one. And that is what is scary.

You read stories in the bible about men of God, and how good God was to them, and it makes you feel like maybe you could have that kind of relationship too. Maybe you could do something stupid like want to bed some vixen that you saw at a party one night, bed her, knock her up, and then kill her husband and still have God forgive you. Still welcome you back with open arms. But what if you're just normal? What if you're not special? What if you're just...you? What if your body does have blemishes? What if you haven't done anything extraordinary? I don't know about anyone else, but i am as average as it gets. I am a burger and fries, t-shirt and jeans, t.v. watching, beer drinking north american male in his mid twenties. I haven't climbed everest, I'm not the champion of anything, and I certainly haven't slain any giants. I'd sure like to, especially if i could look cool doing it and not sacrifice that much. And, you know what? I'm guessing that for once in my life I'm not in the minority.



I can't beleive for one second that there are not more people out there like me. People that want to be something bigger than they are. People that want to feel that closeness of God, but somehow withdraw from him as well, with no real reason that they know of. Why do we do that? Why do I do that? To me, it feels like unless you have some amazing quality, it wouldn't make sense for God to endure the painfully long periods of distance. He doesn't have to be so gracious. And to be honest I'm worried that one day He won't be. That i will somehow have used up all my "grace days". We are talking about the same God that wiped out entire races. I'm a little less significant than a culture.



I remember when i was coaching hockey, there was this little shit of a goalie that threw his weight around a lot. He would always threaten to quit the teamwhen he didn't like something or get his way. In hockey the goalie is the most important person on the team. A hot goalie will win a game by himself, and is protected respectively by his teamates and coach. This guy knew that about goalies. The thing was, he wasn't that good. And I remember the look on his face when I enlightened him to the harsh reality that he was easily replaceable. In a weird way I feel like him. I mean if he was totally amazing, I probably would have put up with his attitude. But he wasn't. That's how I feel. Not totally amazing, and therefore not justifiably tolerated.



So what does God say to the masses that feel just like me? The people that have been absent and don't know why. The people that don't feel like He would endure all the love marked "return to sender". The people that have some sort of block, some sort of issue left untouched, some problem not addressed.

He says, "Come now, let us reason together".



This is why I will always come back. For some reason, He is still interested, despite my normalities. He knows I have issues and reservations about him and he invites me to come and reason with Him. That says that it's ok to have issues and hang-ups. It's ok to question, He just wants to be a part of it, wants to be asked and included. He is allowing me to question Him and, further than that, He invites me into conversation with Him, about Him. So I come back...hopelessly flawed, and heavy hearted, I come back.

Is Heaven Easy?

Kind of an odd question right? How could the happiest, most fulfilling place we could ever imagine be hard or work? My answer to that would be "nothing good comes easy".

It's like we have this concept of heaven that will have us around everyone we ever cared about and enjoying the blue sky and sun while we sit and catch up with all of our friends in between the most heart felt worship sessions we could ever dream of. Where did we get this? I think there are some serious questions I would like to ask about my idea of heaven. Will I have to work on my friendships or will they all be perfect? Will I still struggle with giving money to those in need? Does some sort of currency even exist there? (I sure hope not!)

I'm not trying to be cynical, Lord knows there is plenty of that to go around, I'm just exploring this feeling that I have that says, "just hang in a little longer. Then everything will be fine". It doesn't make sense to me that I won't have struggles in heaven. Can we even interact with one another without conflict? It's not like heaven is an environment incapable of conflict. Remember Lucifer? Can't imagine that was a nice chat over a spot of tea. The reason I'm wondering all of this stuff is...I think that I really rely on the fact that things will get easier later. And I am just realizing, no one ever said that.

At work, I can get through a day where it is pissing down on me for 8 hours of my least favorite task, simply leaning on the thought of a hot shower at the end. I think that we probably have the same mechanism guiding our concept of heaven. That little voice saying, "just a little further, it will be worth it". That may be very true but i always took it to mean, "just a little further and then you'll never have to do this again". But I imagine I will still struggle with stuff. Will having God so near, so tangible be enough to quell any doubts about his feelings for you, or your worth, or your relationship with Him? I'm just kind of rambling here, but I'll leave you with this final question: Will being in a perfect place make us perfect...or will we be the same shattered, messed up creatures that we are down here? What do you think?

You roll the dice yet?

How can you really be assured of your salvation? How do you know your faith is the right one. There are a plethora of spiritual paths out there... a lot of them claiming to be the only option. So how do we actually know? How do I know? I was brought up to believe that Jesus is the way the truth and the life, but how am i assured of that?

The truth is, I am not. I cannot know whether my path is the path to God or not. Everyone is faced with this dilemna of deciding their own fate. Everyone must pick a side, everyone must choose. And guess what... not choosing a side...choosing not to choose, IS a side. And your camp might be the biggest if that is what you relate to. The stakes could not be higher. You have to take everything you know and roll the dice, and before the roll, you place your soul on the green felt. You only get one shot, so are you sure you're willing to gamble your soul on your beliefs? I'm not.

I'm not so sure I want to take what I have been spoon fed my whole life and the place my soul on the line in the off chance that someone, somewhere down the line thought this through and made the right choice. I am responsible for myself, and in the end when I face God, I'm pretty sure He isn't going to buy "Well...that is what they told me." I can see Him saying, "But what do you think?".

People will hush this sort of talk because it shakes the foundations of other peoples' faith. It has certainly shaken mine. They will call this "doubting" or "back sliding" or "losing the faith" or even "a spiritual battle". People will probably pray for you to recieve help from God to get the faith back. I think that if I was God I would say no to every prayer like this.

As if commitment is salvation. If I am really committed to being a Jehovah's Witness, and it turns out that Charles T. Russell was full of shit, then the level of my commitment to that will not make my beliefs correct. At different points in history the majority was convinced that the world was flat, disease was sin, and a fat white guy could squeeze his fat white ass down every chimney in the world. Please, if anyone did that much exercise they'd be ripped. But we thought we were right, and would scoff at anyone who said otherwise. The same goes for Christianity. Pentecostals think that Baptists are out to lunch, and Baptists think Anglicans are actually pagans, and everybody, even within christianity, thinks that they are the only ones who have the whole picture. So a search like this will be met with hostility from the kind of christian who does not have a faith that they have developed over trials and crushing and refining. They have a faith built on sand and don't want to be forced outside there comfortable little box. So they stay totally committed. Not to what they know at their core, but to what they have been told. Never straying outside of that...never asking any questions...because questions are...dangerous...questions are risky.

I think it is a moment like this, a moment of searching, that actually squeezes some real faith out. It is not until we break down the walls of what we were told to believe, that our own beliefs will surface. And until your own beliefs surface, you will forever be leaning on the wind.

So I question it. I question everything. Because in that moment, when I get forced into a position of admission, I want to say something that i believe at my core...not something that I was told when i was three.

I think when that time comes, in the end, that's all you really got. Whatever answer you have at the end of your search (if you searched) will be all you have to lean on. And i think that if you are honest and diligent in your search, God will honor that. I have a hard time believing He will be really pumped about the people that were too scared to rock the boat and therefore missed out an a more complete relationship with Him. Being really commited to the wrong thing is just being really wrong. Or at least less right, less certain then you could be. I want to approach God with confidence, knowing that this is the guy I spent my life building a friendship with. And I cannot see that being comfortable most of the time. Ya...that is what I am going to do. Make my best guess. Then roll the dice.

Crybaby

About every 6 months or so, I cry. I don't go into the closet or something, or have it scheduled in a day planner...it just kind of happens. I see something on t.v. or in a movie that grabs my heart and creates that reaction. And tonight I discovered a theme. Kids. More specifically, the father and child dynamic. More specifically than that, the father and daughter dynamic. It gets me every time. We watched a show that had a father watching his daughter die. It nailed me. I fought it off for a little while. Tried to swallow the lump in my throat, and open my eyes really big so that the tears would not roll down my cheeks, and i probably could have beat it back down into submission. But then i heard the voice in my head say, "Why? Why are you so opposed to that type of emotion? You're alone with your wife in your home. Let it fly man.", I had no logical rebutal, so i did. I gave in, and I cried.

To tell you the truth it felt pretty good. Felt like i was draining something that had been welling up for a while. After I was done, I started thinking about what it was in the father/daughter scenario that got me so much. And I think it is the simple fact that someone that you took care of, and is still vulnerable and innocent in your eyes, is in pain.

That got me thinking about being a dad. I can't imagine having to watch your kids learn the hard way. The restraint that it would take to let a child go and do something that you know will hurt them (and told them that, but they wouldn't listen), completely escapes me. I don't know if I'll be able to do it. But I hope I can. I am smart enough to know that the world will never allow you to completely shelter your kids. It seems very much like a delicate balance between protection and negligence. Letting your kids experience enough so that they don't get blindsided when the get into the "real world", but not so much that they become part of the "real world". With so much hanging in the balance it would be easy to give up and take the easy road. Let your kids join the other generations now being raised by t.v., and don't worry about it.

To my wife: Thanks for being my safe place.

To my mom and dad: Thanks for having the courage to let me face my own consequences and learn from my mistakes. I make a lot of them, so this learning style really works for me.

To Dad: Thanks for knowing when to step up and sacrifice, when to hold back and let us learn, and when to allow your kid(s) to step up and sacrifice for everyone else.

Greater love has no man....

A wise man once said, "Greater love has no man than this, that he would lay his life down for his friends".

Do you have any friends like this? Hmmm...the better question may be "are you a friend like this"? Would your name come up when any of your friends think of who in their life would sacrifice for them? Mine wouldn't.

You must understand...this is a phrase that i used to build my life around. I tried my best to model this in my life. And this morning when i was talking with my wife, the subject of friends came up. She mentioned that i am not that good at keeping in contact with my friends from back home. That stung...but she was dead right. I suck at this. So I started thinking why I am so horrible at returning e-mails and phone calls and reaching out on my own to contact these people that gave me so much of their time before? The answer to this question is simple....I'm scared.

I'm scared that if i keep in really close contact with my friends from back home, I will want to hang out with them more, and the realization that I can't do that...well, that hurts. The more I talk with them on the phone or communicate through e-mail, the more I want to say a quick, "Hey, what are you doing tuesday?"

How selfish is this? I am protecting myself from the pain that I would experience in being away from my friends by slowly severing all ties with them. Looking back, this has got to be one of the most cowardly acts I have been guilty of in a long time. And my life isn't short on cowardly acts. Look how far I have moved away from "greater love". A phrase like that never had any fine print that read "only if you have a friendship that is convenient". IT was a blanket statement. If you sacrifice your life for your friends, that is the highest potential love you can have as a human being. Or maybe it is calling those souls like mine into check. Maybe it is a sobering reminder of what you are actually saying when you tell your friends that you love them. You know... a "count the cost of your words" kind of thing. Either way, in order to save myself from the insatiable desire to connect face to face with a friend from home, I remain absent.

How much of my life did I leave in Winnipeg? I know I left practically all of my friends. I left my family. I left the community I grew up in and everything familiar that I ever knew. I left the island I always came home to after being stretched and shaped into an alternate version of myself in other lands. I guess I never really realized the full consequences of my decision. Maybe I never will... but I think that i have a clearer window into that this morning. Having said all that, I would do it again...and again...and again. I never even considered it a choice, it was something I had to do for me.

And so I moved away...so what. It's not like I am the first guy to do that. It doesn't excuse hanging my freinds out to dry. The kicker is that i damaged myself more than anyone else. Each of my friends were only cut off from me, I cut myself off from all of my friends. Boy that was dumb. I feel more isolated now than almost any time in my life. So much for sparing myself pain. Hell, I caused it. I also hurt those that interpreted my lack of effort as a lack of concern or care for them.

I have not been the same since i left Winnipeg. The worst part about this whole thing is that I think I did all this same stuff to God. Like I left him in winnipeg as well. Man, I have a lot of apologies to make. I think that i better start with God.

What a lie! That i would somehow gain from shutting out the people that have supported and shaped me over the course of my life. Oh, how thick the wool has been.

I once asked a man I had just met what the best part of a story was. He replied, "the best part of a story is the redemption of a human being...there's nothing better than that". It was the most intelligent answer I have ever heard. Looks like I have to go try to redeem myself. Better get started.

Man of Glass

I've heard of lot of memorable quotes. Really insightful lines of poetry, song lyrics, prayers, creeds, sermons, speeches...you name it. I have read books about great men who inspired many. A short collection of words that can inpire, and sometimes change your life. Words. And, right now, for some reason...none of them resonate in me more than this, "How much can you know about yourself if you've never been in a fight?"

I've been thinking a lot about this lately. I know that this is not deep or spiritual. But who cares...I'm not spiritual all the time. Most of the time I am just some guy. And this guy has never been in a fight. I have certainly avoided a few though. And that is what has me still thinking about this stuff. I need to know. There must be men that would read this and think, "this guy needs to grow up", and my guess is that those who are thinking that have already been in a fight, or are too scared to ever be in a fight.

Since I was about 5 (maybe even younger but that is as far as I can remember)I have been controlled by this fear of being hurt. This voice that says, "if you get in a fight you will get hurt...bad". But after a while fear of the pain wore off a bit. That is when the same voice said something different. "You've never been in a fight before. You're not tough. You'll lose, and embarass yourself. Then you will feel like less of a man." That is the one that has been keeping my eyes on my shoes for the last 15 years. The thought of finding out that nothing is there and that I am just a huge wuss. And that is why i have been afraid to fight. Actually...it isn't even the fight that I am afraid of, it is not the pain, it is not the humble pie that I'd swallow in a loss...it is tasting that first shot and cowering into a ball that scares the shit out of me.

It's has become a more pressing concern in the last year because I have someone that I have sworn to protect. The day I got married, I stood up in front of our family and friends and I told my wife that I would put her first in everything. In a word: Sacrifice. I said I would sacrifice. Now, when the time comes, and it very likely will, when i have to sacrifice my body and my pride to defend her honor or something like it, I have publicly stated that I will step up. And if I don't, I am not only a coward but a liar. Do you see how important this is? Do you see all that is at stake? If you do, you know why i need to know this. Why i need to lose this fear.

I was watching a movie the other day and one of the lines in the movie was something to the effect of "once you get hit a couple times and realize your not made of glass, the fear is no longer a big deal". I really believe that is exactly what I need.

I have tried to explain this to my wife but that has basically been a lost cause. How could she ever understand? She is not a man. This is a man thing. So if anyone out there is reading this while wearing a dress or something like it, don't bother trying to understand, just let it go.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not going to go out and do anything stupid, like grab a stranger and just start slugging away. I haven't completely lost it. I would rather have the first one be over nothing though. Nothing that mattered in the long run. That way it could be a good opportunity to get my feet wet. Hockey season is coming up. Yes it may be juvenile and immature, it may be testoserone induced, it may be one of my less intelligent ideas...but I gotta know.

Man of God

So I have been avoiding reading my friend Justin's e-mails. My wife said that they would make me want to travel, so i have not read them. They were also really long, so I have not read them.
Tonight I read them...all of them. And it is not the travel bug that is poking at me. It is Jesus. In justin's e-mails he speaks of a life that is touching others, a life that is sacrificing, a life that is making a difference. Justin has been in Guatemala on missions with some friends that live there. Reading the e-mail does make me want to travel, but it makes me want to be justin more than anything. Justin is the greatest example of "a man of God" I have ever seen in my life. If Justin isn't going to heaven, then anyone I have ever met is going to hell. I know that is harsh but it is also truth.
Justin and I weren't all that diferent once. We were in the same school...twice. We worked the same job...for 4 summers together. We both were passionately and diligently seeking God. Now look at me.
I still have the drive to do something like justin is doing somewhere deep inside me. But there is this nagging voice that has been saying "too late buddy, that ship has sailed, and you weren't on it. You missed the boat." That voice sounds holds more truth with everyday that passes. You see when you so something like that, something that is so much bigger than you, or the country your in, or the work you do...when you do something like that, you feel centered. Like you are doing exactly what you were supposed to be doing with that day, with that season, with your life. How many of you feel that way? Like you are doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing? Like you are where God wants you to be? Like you are contributing to humanity? I'm not trying to make any of you depressed. You have to understand that I am not even that... down. It isn't like what I am feeling is saddness. It is longing. I long to be a part of something bigger than myself again.
A friend of mine once asked me what happened to us. When i asked what he meant he said, "Well, we were both here together, and now look at where I am, and look at where you are".The worst part about it is that I knew exactly what happened to us. I continued to make God a priority in my life, and he didn't. I have never been able to relate to him more than right now.
So i sit here looking at the picture in front of me, with me and justin in a group of people smiling away, and I wonder, what happened to us? What happened to the guy that thought he could be called one of God's friends? What happened to the person that thought that he might be able to pass for a "man of God"? Is there any way back there? That person took years and years to shape and make. Have I thrown all that away?
You want to know that question that scares me the most?
What am I willing to give up to get back there?

~Drifter

Backside 360

Sorry i haven't been writing for a long time guys. I just haven't felt like it. I don't really have much to say. I went snowboarding again today with my cousin and my buddy joe. I cased my head while trying to do a backside 360. I'm fine, I've had concussions before and this wasn't a concussion. Just a headache. I don't know why but i cannot stick this trick. I'm wondering if I am simply not comfortable enough on my board yet to start doing this stuff. I want to be like this dude up here, but i cannot do it for some reason. IT always feels like i'm going to catch an edge right before i go off, or like my arms don't want to wind up and spin me. I don't know. Maybe i should stick with learning ground tricks and grabs and the little 180's that i'm learning for a while. I have a hard time backing off of stuff though. Really hard.

Which is why my relationship with God should be at a better level than it is. I talked to my cousin about this stuff (among many other things) and he really made me remember how good it was to be in relationship with God. It is great. So why don't i want it? I know that if you do not continually work at something it will naturally deteriorate. That I imagine is what has happened. But i don't feel beyond hope.

My cousins passion for reading the bible really hit me today. He is really benefitting from it and does consider it a necessity just like the bible says. He gave me some advice. He said to start reading topically with what you are feeling right now. Pick a theme and start to search it out. Sounded like a good idea. So I wanted to give that a try. I think I'll start with Ecclesiastes. Maybe i will post my thoughts here. We'll see...anyway I gotta go to bed.

~Drifter

A friend in need is...no friend of mine

So I have kind of slacked off lately. I haven't been going to church on sunday, I have been snowboarding with my wife. That's right, Kerianne is learning to snowboard. She is doing quite well actually. I'm really proud of her, and am loving the fact that I can share one of my favorite activities with my favorite person. Anyway, my spiritual journey has taken a turn, and my mind has been focused else where than the church right now.

Kerianne and I have been talking a lot about friendship. I miss having friends around, and so does Ker. But I think that she needs friends more than I do at this point in our lives. I really think that she deserves a good friend too. For most of Kerianne's life she has either been the odd man out, or had friends that don't put in the same amount of effort as she does, which always ends up hurting in the end. If God came down and said, "Okay, I pulled some strings up there, and I free'd up one friend... now, you'll meet this person tomorrow in a chance encounter at a stop sign. Just smile and act normal. But i gotta know which person to send...so you gotta decide who is gonna get the new friend... which one of you needs one?" I would say "Give it to Kerianne" without hesitating. As much as i want to meet people and hang out with some men of Godly character, I want that for my wife so much more.

I don't really know why there are certain people who just get dumped on all the time by their friends. Maybe it is b/c their friends sense that they can get away with murder and so they try. Maybe it is b/c their friends sense a need in that other person that makes them uncomfortable. Maybe it is just bad luck. I don't know.

I can relate though. In grade 7, I lost all my friends. I would have done anything to keep them. But they didn't feel that I was cool enough to hang out with anymore. I'm so glad that they felt that way. What a bunch of losers. Seriously, not just the bitterness talking here, I really am over it. It was the best thing that could have happened to me. I learned a lot about what friends were. And then i got real friends. Friends that were there for me when I needed them. Friends that would stick by me in bad situations. Friends that liked me, friends that loved me, friends that respected me. Believe me, I have had great friends.

Thing is, Ker's never had that. I shouldn't say never...there have been a few shiny moments in there. But the people that were those shiny moments are a world away, or might as well be. She can't call any of them and ask if they wanna come over and hang out because it is a 2 day journey.

So, I don't know what this post is about. I just feel like my heart hurts when i think of what an amazing friend Kerianne is and all the crap she has had to deal with because she is not so cowardly to withdraw her heart even after having it stepped on. She still puts herself out there with this easy passion and genuine joy that says to anyone that will listen, "I'll love you". In a world so devoid of authentic love, it is shocking to see how common it is for people to miss this. Or mistreat this. But she gets up every time. She dusts herself off and continues to love. IT is rare for me to see so clear a manifested love than in that of my wife.

~Drifter

Brief

I'll blog more later, but i just wanted to write a quick post and let those of you who actually read this that I feel like I am getting some stuff straightened out. It feels good. Feels new and yet familiar. Things seem better with me and Kerianne as well. Not that they have been bad lately. We had a pretty rough go of it for a while there but once this stuff started becoming a little clearer, i felt that tension lifting. Now that I am getting direction a little bit, i feel it lifting some more. Well, sorry this is so short, but i want to go to bed. I'll write more shortly.

~Drifter

Are you Jesus?...Or am I?

So, I have been thinking alot lately (along with some very close friends) about what the church is supposed to be. I think I have come to a few conclusions:

The church is the hand of God on earth. The church is human beings fumbling through everyday life in an attempt to carry on Jesus' work. The church is telling people that without Jesus, life is hollow. The church is you...the church is me. Therefore, I have to ask myself "what am I doing?" What affect do I have?

You see I am very hard on the church. I get pissed about the formulaic, production Christianity that I see up front on any given sunday. Someone is generaly talking about life principles, or steps, or programs. It feels cold, it feels passionless, it feels less than human. But i so easily forget that the church is just me. It is just a bunch of men and women trying to figure it out as they go, just like me. What grandiose answers have I come up with? Where is my plan to live jesus out in my life? Where does the rubber meet the road for me? The answers are simple..."i'm not sure", to all of the above.

For so long in my life I have been cynical and bitter towards the "church". "Church" is simply a place where people congregate together to learn about how to live their lives better. I hated that, the fact that "church" has been taken from a living thing to a structure with 4 walls and a roof. But that is not what it is supposed to be. Church is you, church is me.

Listen, we have been called to be Jesus to people. We have been told to consider others better than ourselves, to clothe the poor, to feed the hungry, to care for the orphan and widow, and to visit the prisoners. Be kind, and merciful, and caring and compassionate. We have to be everything good to everybody. In a word, we must love. We have been charged, not as a group but individually to love others as Christ loved us.

This morning it was flipped on its head for me. I was reading a book, and it quoted the passage in luke (i think) where jesus is separating the sheep from the goats and he says to the good sheep, "When I was hungry you fed me, when i was in prison you came to visit me...". To the bad goats he says the reverse, "When i was hungry you gave me no food to eat...when i was in prison you did not visit me". The punchline?..."when you did this for the least of one of these you did it for me...When you rejected the least of one of these you rejected me". Horrible paraphrasing, I know, but there is something big here that i have missed. I am supposed to be Jesus to the people around me, but the people around me are also Jesus to me. I have to love like Jesus loved me, and I have to love the people around me like they were Jesus. That is really scary. But make no mistake about it, I am the church. That is my task.

How could i be so blind?! I am sitting on my butt complaining about how the church is sitting on her butt! The church is to archaic and produced to reach peoples hearts...and therefore i pledge a bitching session until she wakes up and becomes more affective and relevant. This is ludicrous! So instead of letting this bitterness for the inactivity of the church totally paralyze any potential I would have for the Kingdom, I am going to do something...I am going to BE the church. I just gotta find out how I can do that.

P.S. Know that this is not a shot at anyone else's ideas or journey. We are all on different journies and I respect that. Any hostility you see in this post is directed inward for getting caught up in nothing for far too long. Peace.

~Drifter

Making a Comment

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Ex: Who Got Served? 1
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Who got served?

I have been thinking about where I can serve, lately. No, not waiting tables. I could never do that. I would find it impossible not to make fun of the guy on the first date scenario. You see them, all awkward and stuff, and part of me wants to break the tension so that they can have a good time and the other part wants to up the anti and increase the pressure to see what comedy will come out of the situation. It's the angel/devil scenario. Do something like whisper to the guy (in earshot of course), "Hey....... we got it unplugged...took three guys and cordless drill, but we did it...just thought you'd want to know. (look at the girl, smile, slap the guy on the back) This guy packs one hell of a punch, let me tell ya! (whispering again to the guy) Nice going, she's hot!"
Mu-Haaha-haahaa-haahaaaaa!

Whoa! Blown of course a little there. Oops. Anyways, serving in church...or something. I know that it will basically force me to talk about God and give me a sort of springboard back into journeying with him. There is other stuff that i can do in the mean time. I know I can study my bible (which i will), go for walks or something (which I will), and pray (which I do), but it is really hard to get the motivation to start this stuff.

It is hard to desire something that will improve your quality of life when you are not seeing results. I know you have to actually step out and do it to see results but, you know what i mean. The temptation to settle is strong in me. I'm lazy i guess. It's like going to the gym...I would have to drag my ass out of the ass groove that I have left in the couch after watching the 11 hour family guy marathon, and to do that i would have to move the 5 bags of chips, 7 empty beer bottles, bag of nibs, chocolate bars, pizza boxes, and scattered skittles and M&M's from around and a top my body before i can make the proper dismount to get up and go, and I REALLY don't want to do that...but if I can somehow do it, once I am there I am glad I came. Funny thing is, that realization won't make the battle any easier next time especially if it is spaghetti night!

Anyway, the realization that this stuff is good for me is there, but it doesn't make it any easier to start the process. I think right now it would be a colossal mistake to jump in with both feet. Baby steps seem more appropriate right now. So I have started praying again and talking to God a bit. Today I think that I will go for a walk and just process life.
I feel like this process will be very much akin to introducing a tranquilized animal back into the wild. At first I'll be wondering "Where am I?" and "Why am i here?", but hopefully i will eventually adjust to my new surroundings and slowly make my way deeper into the jungle.

The bombshell

I'm ruining my marriage. If this keeps up, it won't be long before I am just another statistic. Just another number. Hmmm. That's a scary thought. Something as pure and powerful and beautiful as a marriage amounting to nothing more than a number in the end.

I have been more irratable, more angry, more sarcastic and more cynical in the last month than I have in the last 3 years. Needless to say it is wearing on Kerianne. I don't know why I have been acting like that. I guess i was trying to make someone feel as miserable as i do. Ker has hung in there though. I have seen so much of what we said in our vows become tangible through her. But I still feel bitter about something...and it won't go away.

I spent some time trying to figure out why I have been feeling like this. The first question I asked myself was, "what am I actually feeling?" Not sure really. I feel like I am passionless, purposeless, and at times hopeless. It feels like life isn't exciting at all anymore. Like i am part of the global machine. I have my routine and i stick to it. No spontaneity, no spark, no life. I said to Kerianne the other night, "It feels like life has lost its salt... like everything that used to be bursting with flavor is now just bland." And that was it....life has lost its salt. That's how i feel. It has affected me in every area of my life. It feels like a room that only has so much air, and I have precious little left.

So what is this powerful, this incapacitating that it can affect my whole life? The answer is simple: It is God.
My flesh is weary and my soul is dead. God is the only thing that could affect my everything. My whole life. Hmm, this is getting confusing. I need to break this down into something my brain can understand. Here's how that looks.

Problem: Life has lost its salt
Symptoms: Dragging the ones I love around me down into my current state
Root Cause: Dying spirit.
Solution: ???

My spirit is dying b/c I am distant from God. I have gone way too far in my life and way too deep with God to go without Him for any length of time. Evidently it has been too long. At one point in my life I was very, very dependent on God for my fire. By "fire" I mean the thing that gets you out of bed with a smile on your face, the thing that makes you feel like you are actually good to be around, or have around, the thing that makes you feel like your existence is somehow positive, makes you feel like you have hope, a mission, a purpose. That is what i mean by "fire". God was good. He supplied me with that. At that time I could see no way of existing outside of his plans for me and, lived simply for knowing and getting to know God. It feels weird to even type that now. We have been apart for some time now. You cannot slowly drift away from the thing that gives you life and still expect to feel alive.
I feel like my minidisc player. When I plug it into the wall, it has an unlimited power source and therefore will serve its purpose and play music... the whole reason for its existence in the first place. But when it is away from the power source it runs on a finite, and limited battery for its power supply. It will only run so long before it is completely out of life and can no longer perform the function for which it exists.

That is me. Away from my power source and out of life. You don't go as deep into a relationship with God as i have (I'm not saying I'm a saint, but we were friends and I'm not going to water that down) and then walk away without feeling anything. Like any friendship gone astray, you feel it. You will feel as much pain as you had love for that person, and you will feel as dry as that relationship watered you. The more life you received from that relationship, the more life you will realize is missing. You feel like a spectre, a ghost. So you can imagine how it feels when you are friends with God, and then drift apart.

In a way this is an answer to prayer. I once prayed, "God, don't ever let me go. No matter what. I am giving you permission to override my free will. Don't ever let me leave you". I definitely feel that absence now. So I need to repair a broken relationship (with this realization God has already started to mend my marriage...this weekend has been great...and it is only saturday morning).

I need to mend my friendship with God. He is the reason my soul ever felt life in the first place. The reason I love. The reason I cry. The reason I can be a good husband. The reason I get out of bed and feel like I have a purpose. I know i need God. It's time to go home.

Problem: Life has lost its salt
Symptoms: Dragging the ones I love around me down into my current state
Root Cause: Dying spirit.
Solution: Come back home to God.

The God of provision

God really seems to be evident in some areas of my life. Particularily in the provision area. I've got a job that pays me well and is close to home. In fact this is the highest paying job I have ever had. Kerianne has a job that also pays her well and is close to home. In fact this is the highest paying job Kerianne has ever had. We live in the cheapest (rent wise....and sometimes "otherwise") basement suite that I have even heard of in this area, and because of our work schedules (we start at the same time but Ker gets off an hour later than me), we are fully able to get by on one vehicle right now. High wages, and low expenses. Sounds like the start of an infomercial.

So what is the problem?

My old man (woody) provided food, clothing, and all of my essential needs when i was younger. He also gifted me with sports and other expensive endeavors for a father of 3. But looking back that is not what i care about when I think of him. I care about the fact that my dad is one of my best friends. I can talk to him about anything...and that means anything. He is trustworthy, and a man of righteous character who would do everything in his power to make sure that I am on the right path/ barking up the right tree...what have you.

I see God as a father. And right now it is blatanly obvious that he is the God of provision in my life. I can see this through the circumstances and goings on of my life. But i don't feel him. Recently I thought that maybe that is b/c, with all this provision, i don't need him anymore. But to be honest, I don't really think that is true. It is amongst all this provision that I am still feeling the need for God. I know i need him. I need a real relationship with him...nothing else will suffice. I'm not just saying that...I know it. So why does God feel so distant? I am grateful for everything that he has provided and do recognize it as such, but sometimes I feel like i can't have my cake and eat it too. Meaning, I can't have my provision and my relationship. Which really sucks. But that is what I need. I need not only a Father who provides for me, but also a father who wants to spend time with me and makes me feel loved, not just see that I am loved.

My faith feels so hollow right now. I just wish that God could come and meet me on this level that I currently inhabit. I don't know what i have to do to feel closer to him again. Sell everything i own? Tell people to believe in Jesus or they'll go to hell? Volunteer somewhere? What would be good enough for him? Have i offended him? Am i squandering the gifts he has given me? Have i thrown it all away? IF so, when ...and what was it?

But everybody goes through silence, right? It is actually a very godly thing. It is the refiner's fire. Ya?...whatever...save it. Would you say that to a lost kid that doesn't know where their father is? I wouldn't either.

I don't know what this is all about, but I'm hoping for some clarity in the end...and, in that regard, I hope the end is near.

The grey area

So i have been struggling a lot lately with my relationship with God. I read my friend James blog and one of the thing she said in there, to quote himself (hahahah), was, "God has made us to be authentic creatures, so when people are real, God is not far away."
James hit the nail on the head there for me. I am struggling with God, in part at least, because i am struggling to be authentic. To be real. To be vulnerable. I don't really know why, I mean, I have an amazing group of friends. But maybe i haven't been open with them. Not like i am keeping things hidden from them, I just felt like, i don't know, like i would be boring people with my own stuff. Like now that I am married something has changed. I can't say that Kerianne hasn't encouraged me to hang out with my friends. She has been saying "you should really call james" for about a week now (sorry james, i'm not that bright). She knows how much i need my friends and has always sacrificed for me to be with them. So maybe something changed in me or maybe my friends think that i am one of those guys that has dissappeared after he's been married. I don't know. What i do know is that james is right. Being real and being close to God go hand in hand. I'm kinda sick of the mediocre faith that I have been living. God has become "one of the guys i went to highschool with". I know his name and have memories with him but i haven't seen him in like 5 years...and when I do it is like we give eachother the head nod and make idle conversation consisting of mostly small talk for about 8 minutes.
What i would like to do is be real with what i am thinking about lately. My friend tyler was saying that he feels more unsure of his faith now than he did in highschool. I would have to agree. In highschool i didn't wrestle with anything. God was God, and you can kiss my ass. Now, however, i have become more open to the questions that are hard in this walk with Christ, and by george I have wrestled and fought with GOd on a lot of them. But somewhere down the line, I stopped wrestling. It was as if God was saying,
"Well cory, what are you thinking about lately."
"I'm wondering if your faith will ever truly be alive unless you are impacting the lives aroung you. And I am wondering if you will ever accept anything less."
"Oooo, this is a cage match! This one is gonna be good! You ready?"
"no, that's alright. I'm sure you have a reasonable answer..."

And with every forfeited opportunity i have lost another piece of my faith. So, I'm thinking that I need to get back in the ring with God. But i want to do it with my friends. I want to tackle hard questions as a community and just discuss things. Just do distribute thoughts and then come to your own conclusion later. Not to try and solve these great quandries that have been around sinc eman could think, but just to share wit hpeople you love and trust and then walk your specific path with God and develop you own decision on the matter. That sounds good. So with that in mind I pose this question:

"what point is there in going to church and hearing stories and life principles if the lives around you are not affected by it? In short, what is the point of coming together to learn about God if you are not straining to live like Jesus? And what does straining to live like Jesus look like anyway"

With that I welcome your thoughts. I really would love to hear them. I'll wait.

Local 6000

A photo of a train i found




Unions....I have a love hate relationship with them. I like them b/c they increase your chances of getting good wages and things like benefits, and i hate them b/c as soon as you get a union involved, work ethic goes down the toilet for the most part. I am in a union now, or at least i will be when I am done my probation period. I like this job. There are more deductions and tax then i thought there would be, but the people are good so far and i am enjoying the work.

Ever get scared that you are going to end up like one of those people that you know who has nothing but work to talk about? Almost as if your job becomes more important to you than any other interests. I hope i don't get like that. I hope that I always have something bigger than work in my life. I love enjoying work. It is as satisfying a feeling as almost anything else in life. But i never want a job to be my identity...no matter how much I like it. That is what i see a lot of people doing in the 30's to 40's age group. Maybe when i am that age I to will talk about work like it is the focal point of my life. Maybe ....but i doubt it.

You see, I have had a rare sort of upbringing. My Dad threw his life into work and found in an ecclesiastic fashion that, at the end of the day, he really didn't have that much to show for all of his effort. Then my dad became a grampa, and then, for a while, quit work. Not to say that he quit to be around his grand kids, that wasn't exactly the case. However, he did spend a lot of time with them during the break... so, you do the math. It is almost like my old man, decided that work is satisfying in it's own right...but only in it's own right. My dad had a shot at big money when I was younger. He turned his back on it and faced his family. He decided that chasing down an injustice that would pay off handsomely was not worth the missed family time that it would take away. That was a great show of my dad's character. He is that type of guy. Through him and my mom i have learned to work hard at whatever i do (which is challenging sometimes), but also not to get wrapped up in work to the point that i need it for my value. I will never be "Cory the trackman", I will always be "Cory".

Anyways, that is enough for tonight. I'm tired from breaking all those hammers today.