Longest entry ever....gonna read this?...pack a lunch.

So I am currently working as a framer in Langley. I'm really liking the job and my boss and crew are excellent. I actually wake up and look forward to going to work. Don't get me wrong, I'm not super passionate about framing, but i do enjoy learning something that is such an obviously practical life skill. The wage is fair and me and kerianne are getting by. But no one is going to get rich framing. Not that I want to get rich...but I gotta be honest, I will do everything in my power to not scrape by in life either. I married Kerianne and therein have said that I will do my best to provide for her, and that includes the money I bring home.

So here I am finding myself enjoying my work and the days are getting colder and wetter with each week, and yet I am still enjoying it. But I must be the luckiest man alive b/c not only am i married to Kerianne, I have another potential opportunity. I have been tipped off about a job on the rail road that pays significantly more money than framing.

So I applied. I got a call back the other week and was called in for an interview. Now, i was told about a Trackman position which would have me working a day shift in abbotsford (where I live) for almost $10 more p/hr than I am making now. So needless to say, I was pretty stoked about the interview. When i went in for the interview, 5 minutes in it was clear that they were interviewing me for a different position! They were interviewing me for a brakeman position which is about $2 more p/hr than trackman, but i would be working nights and graveyard shifts mostly in new west minster (about a one hour commute in normal traffic).

This meant that i wouldn't see Kerianne as much. I would also have an absolutely CRAZY schedule for the first 6 months minimum, because you get put on the spare board and get whatever shift they need a person for. That means one day you could be in abbotsford on an afternoon shift, and the next day you could be in New West for a graveyard. However, the man in the interview (we'll call him jim to keep things anonymous) really encouraged me to talk this over with my wife before I decided anything, which I really appreciated.

I talked with Kerianne about it a bit, and phoned jim back to ask if there were any differences between the trackman position and the brakeman position. He called me a couple of days later and said that the main difference was that trackman was dayshift, monday to friday, and $2 less an hour. I asked if there was a better chance to get on as a brakeman and he said yes because they were only hiring 2 trackman and already had 4 guys vying for those positions, some with front end loader and back hoe experience. So the odds are clearly stacked against me. He asked if I still wanted him to put my name in for trackman and I said yes, knowing that even if I was offered the brakeman position, I would not be able to take the job.

Kerianne and I decided that nights and graveyards would be a much added stress that we really don't need right now. The first year of marriage is a pretty crucial year and we wanted to stay dedicated to our relationship and keep our priorities straight (that is a quote from the old man, there). Jim said he would put me down for trackman as well, and the dissappointment in his voice was not lost on me. I spent the rest of the day at work knowing i had just made a decision that would shape the next few years of our life, and possibly MUCH more than that. But eventually that day, I felt a peace about the decision, and basically moved on, never expecting to hear from them again.

So this monday I check my phone at break (I always do cause kerianne makes me) and see that there is a voice mail on there. I almost didn't check it before calling kerianne to find out what she wanted, thinking that it was obviously her. It wasn't, it was the railway calling me in for a second interview. I was sort of shocked. I had the rest of the week to mull over how I was going to say that I couldn't take the brakeman spot b/c i didn't believe it was a really wise move this early in my marriage.

Yesterday morning I showed up at the office and prepared myself to give them the news. While I was waiting to be interviewed by a different guy than the first (we'll call him doug), jim walked by and said, "see me after your done with doug". I siad ok and ,shortly after, went in and talked with doug....who, as it turns out, was interviewing me for a trackman position!!! We talked about heavy equipment, my travels, his daughters travels, how easy it is for canadians to get work visa's, working outside, and a number of other things. It seemed to go pretty well. Doug said he needed six trackman, and seemed particularily pleased with the fact thta i was living in abbotsford seeing as 4 of the 6 new hires would be working there.

After the interview with doug I darted outside and ran to the car to tell Kerianne the good news (she came with me for support...did I mention that I kinda like her?), and totally forgot about going to see jim! Well I wasn't 2 minutes down the road before I realized it and ripped back. He just wanted some references and stuff, but he asked, "so you and your wife decided no on the brakeman position huh?" I said, "yes actually. We thought it would be unwise for us to take a position that wil have me working nights and graveyards this early in the marriage." I thought he was going to think I was a pansy but was willing to stick to my guns. He said, "you know, it really is true. The first year is stressful and you need to give it your best shot. And we want to hire for careers here, so people should really consider what they are signing up for when their offered a night job."

I couldn't believe it...we were totally on the same page! So I left that interview, which i was originally considering to be a funeral, with the feeling of hope again, that something may come from this after all. We'll see what happens.

If i took the position, I would really have a hard time leaving my current job. My boss Josh is the best boss I have ever had. The last 2 years have had me work for 4 different companies. Standard aero (before i moved to b.c.) had me under Kevin and he was the best up until Silvaram, where I worked under Lyle and he was the best up until JSN concstrucion, my current job, where I work for Josh. He is awesome. I wish that every man find a woman that he loves as much as i love Kerianne, and a boss that is as great as josh. The crew is really cool as well. It would be hard to leave a group of guys like that. But my decision would have to be with my role as a husband, and welfare of my wife in mind. If i took the trackman position I would be closer to work (I car pool to langley everyday right now), making more money, and have full benefits. So what is the problem , right?

Before this framing job i would have agreed that I would have to be crazy not to take the railway job, if it was offered to me. To be honest, I still feel that way. I would take it but not without wondering if the satisfaction of a trackman's wage can live up to the satisfaction of working with the people that i am working with now. It would be a sad departure for me. Much like the bittersweet transition of Gretzky from the oilers to the kings. Not that i am the great one or anything, but like wayne, I to would be leaving something that i loved for reasons that are bigger than myself.

You know what though? If i never hear from the railway again, I wouldn't cry myself to sleep at night. Sure I would be dissappointed, but i am already enjoying work. Sounds like an oxymoron, doesn't it? Enjoying work. I am truly blessed. I feel like I am caught between a breast and a soft place.

What an incredible asset it is to like what you do for a living. Praise God.

Later

Answered prayer?

Well, a little while ago I picked up and moved across the country for a girl. I guess it worked out ok b/c i married her. But I left a fairly large and quality friend base back in the praries. I started to feel that void pretty quick when i was out here. The contrast between my former life and this new life was highlighted be the quality of men I was around. For the most part, i didn't respect anybody that i met out here. One night, i prayed a prayer that i had prayed previously..."God, please surround me with godly men", then i went away planting for the summer and forgot about it. Planting was good b/c i got to hang around some really good men and be "in the wild" so to speak. It was a great time. But when things settled down for me again after I got married I was starting to feel the same way I did earlier. Lonely.

Don't get me wrong here, marriage is great and i experience a level of unity with Kerianne that i have never felt with anyone else, but everybody needs to be loved. Everybody needs companionship. You cannot rely on your wife to supply all of that all the time. You need friends.

I have started a new job this monday. I am framing again, but this boss is completely different, and so far, so is the crew. These guys are great, and as it stands right now do respect them. That is a nice feeling. There is some good potential here for some really decent friends. So that's really brightening my spirit.

Just wanted to say thanks God. We'll see where this goes. I'm pretty pumped though.

Wanna fight?

*****DISCLAIMER*****

I FELT I SHOULD WRITE A DISCLAIMER
FOR SOMETHING THAT YOU WILL READ LATER
I LOVE JAMES LIKE A BROTHER, HE'S A MAN LIKE NO OTHER
BUT DON'T START TO THINK I'M A FLAMER

*****DISCLAIMER*****

Ya, I'm serious. Right now i am in a fight with God. There is a part of me that very much enjoys fighting with God. I'll tell you why. If you walk around the school yard and pretend that this certain kid doesn't exist, and spend months trying to convince yourself, and by some miracle you finally do convince yourself and spend the next 2 months trying to figure out why you ever thought he was there in the first place and wonder whether or not he was just a figment of your imagination the entire time...when the kid walks up and punches you in the mouth, your canundrum has been solved! The warm feeling of your lips swelling up due to the impact from that once non-existent fist will send you reeling back to reality...he exists...and he's pissed. That is why i like fighting with God. Two reasons actually.

The first being that it is impossible to debate whether someone is around or not when things get rough between the two of you. And the second being that God has invited me to do this. He put out a little invitation that says "Come let us reason together", which in my translation becomes "Wanna fight?".

And the answer to that question is...ya i really do. My friend james would be the person that could relate most to this next bit. There is something really relieving about just hitting something. When I used to "box" with James there was always this feeling of anticipation that i got when i thought of getting a solid shot in just under his forearm and directly in the ribs. There was satisfaction when you heard that unmistakeable sound of a solid hit. And you know what, there was even satisfaction when that sound was made by my ribs or my head. It was intense and if you didn't pay attention, you paid the price. Believe you me, i did, hahaha. That was great. Great stuff. James I really miss that, man. Because it was just fun .

Maybe that is why i like fighting with God as well. There is a comraderie that is built in battle and it is a strong bond. Sometimes I need to cast my relationship with God back into the furnace to have it reshaped and transformed into something new. I'm willing to do that. Always have been. I like shouting questions like, "what am i supposed to be doing with my life?" and "where is my purpose for living, what should i do!?". Even though i know that eventually i will be apologizing for being so arrogant, and feel like a total ass for shouting whatever i have shouted, i still feel passionate about it when I am in that moment. It feels good to be passionate about something again. And so what if that is fighting with God?

In the end I will lose. I've lost every single round. A perfect record. But you know what? Fighting with God is a lot like fighting with James. It was never about hurting him. And I never cared about beating James so I could feel like I have officially asserted my superiority over him. It was never about winning at all...it was about being in a battle with someone you loved.

New season, or open season?

New chapters and seasons in our lives are scary. I am entering into a season of doubt right now. I am really questioning a lot. Yet i don't feel supported. Not really by my friends, more by the church and sometimes God. I feel that God is pretty silent right now, Or at least not talking in the way that I am used to hearing him. It feels like he has decided that he will speak to me in another way. I don't know if I rally like that at all, but i do know tha ti would not grow as much if he didn't force me out of the current shell. I liked hearing him the way i did, but now it's growing time again, so i guess things gotta get hard.

Sometimes i get a little pissed that in order for me to grow I have to go throough something hard. I guess it is the most impacting method of learning for me. I don' know if it says more about God or more about me. But nonetheless, I am pretty pissed. I am trying t ohear him and take alone time, but i'm getting nothing. It feels like there is a block between him and I, and it's frustrating me entire being. If i didn't know the fellowship of God like I do, I could walk away. But unfortunately God is like pringles, once you pop you can't stop. It occurs to me that the last statement may imply that I have been spending a lot of time eating chips....in front of the t.v....by myself. I have not! wanna fight about it?!

I hope that I get a handle on this situation soon. I feel this half life thing might kill me. In all fairness, I dropped him, not the other way around. Maybe I need to be a little more grown up in my relationbship with God. Instead of expecting him to be there like a little kid, I need to man up and just apologize.

Well, until next time fellas. I have a couch with a well worked in ass groove, a bag of tostitos, and a bowl of salsa waiting for me. Later

When the fog rolls in

So, life in canada has been busy. I imagine that once kerianne and I get things cleaned up at our place things will taper off. But right now it is intiense. We're buying all this stuff we need for the house, and have no money coming in. Neither kerianne or myself has had time to even look for jobs. I think we'll be ok but it is so annoying to rack up a visa bill. This will be the first time my visa will ever have a balance that will last to the end of the month.

So this has me thinking that i need to get a job pretty quick...which means it will probably be something that i don't want to do. That sucks but things could be worse.

Eventually I want to get out of working this 9 - 5 bullcrap and get into something that i am actually passionate about. However, this begs the question: What am I passionate about? That will have to remain unanswered for the time being. I used to think that counselling would have me fired up to go to work and help people through their problems everyday. Now I'm not so sure. I still have to talk to my aunt about this one guy she mentioned that did "adventure therapy". I don't even know what that is but it sounds like something I could really enjoy. Gotta find out that guys name again.

This is such a dangerous time. This is the time in peoples lives where they take that path that they wake up from 25 years later and wonder where the time went and how far back their dreams fell out of their pocket. So i almost want to pursue counselling just to avoid that. But therein lies the problem. By pursuing counselling when i have this lingering doubt (or indifference) in my mind, will I not be doing exactly what i fear most? Settling?

All these questions of what i should do with my time here. Everybody wants to be something great, but Superman was just colors and shapes on a page, nothing more. So to be something great in reality, one must stand for something. To stand for something one must believe in something. To truly believe in something one must be passionate about that which one believes. So, if i want to be something great, do something great, I have to find out what moves me, and find out if someone will pay me to move.

Maybe in the end I will go to school this september and go into a couselling program...maybe i end up working and kerianne goes to school...i don't know. Who can see there own future? I long for clarity all the time. To know where I'm going, or what is on my horizon. It sure would take a lot of fun out of my life if i knew... but a lot of frustration and worry would be gone too. Flip a coin, right? Well, regardless, one thing seems certain to me...it sure is hard to see your desires when the fog rolls in.

Running for home

Well it has been a good 5 weeks here in Costa Rica. I am really proud of kerianne and myself for navigating our way around a country that is predominantly spanish. The language barrier has been a tough and fun thing. I once spent about 15 minutes trying to say, yes I would return the key in the morning when we leave. That was frustrating but funny. So in three short days we will be heading home to start this new adventure called life. Hahaha, or as some of you have put it "the real world" (oh ya before i forget again, you "real world" people suck!).

Both of us are tired and relaxed at the same time. I think we are both ramping up for painting and moving and trying to find jobs. Man, the real world blows. I hate looking for a job. I have no problem working, I´m not lazy, but looking for a job is a personal pet peeve of mine. It is a frustrating experience. It is almost like a singles party where everybody is sizing eachother up. The difference is, at this party everyone is sizing you up and asking themselves whether you´re good enough for them. That is tough. It isn´t always like that, but a lot of the time it is. Then you go through the first couple of dates that are awkward cause you don´t know the job, and are trying to prove yourself a hard worker even though you don´t know what to work hard at. Ahhh, hate it.

Anyway, now that that´s of my chest....I´m looking forward to going home. Hmm, home. Feels good to say that. Since highschool i never really felt at home anywhere. Nor was I around in any one spot long enough to call it home. But this is somehow different. Kerianne is home to me now. And that is something I have felt for a while before we were married. But now i get to share a tangible home with her and i am looking forward to that.

Obviously there will be challenges. Like our bathroom size. It´s small. And Kerianne´s love for jewellery and clothes. She´s got lots. And the fact that I will probably be sitting naked eating cereal out of a salad bowl with a fork (because that was the only thing that was clean and I have to do laundry and thought that the obvious solution would be the naked salad bowl combo), yelling my face off at the hockey game on t.v. when Kerianne brings a friend over to see the place. HAHAHAHAHA!!! I know that i am gonna get asked not to do this when kerianne reads this, and i also know that she will probably get mad at me when i say i can´t help it, but hey...what´s an adventure without a little naked breakfast at 6 pm? Is there such a thing? I think not. She won´t agree.

So here i stand as we embark on this new adventure.... ready and waiting to do my part.... and pull my own weight....all the way over to the couch where i will inevitably be found eating cereal naked in front of the oilers home opener.

They´rrrrrrrrrre Greeeaaaat!!!!

ya...but life gets in the way sometimes

So I have been thinking recently about surfing a lot. I still totally suck, but it is only the last day of surfing that i did, when i finally started to understand what i needed to do. And it worked...merciful heaven it worked! I actually caught a few waves the way you are supposed to. I think that i finally understand what i need to do at what time. You get this feeling... you move this way. It felt great! And most of all it left me thinking, "i want more of this....much, much more".
But I´m married now. My life is not my own, and my fear is that the feeling i get when I am out on the ocean is over... because i have to grow up now. That is what happens when you get married. Your dreams die. You will have to claw and fight just to keep one of the dreams you already had....new dreams?....forget about it.

But it is a new dream and it is exhilirating. For anyone who has not done this, i don´t expect you to understand. But for those of you who have, especially those of you who follow Christ, you probably are feeling me at your core. One of my friends said that "it doesn´t matter who you´re with, when you are paddling in for a wave it is just you, the ocean, and your board". And he is right, there is something inherently pure about sitting on the ocean waiting for the next set. It is the isolation and relaxation I have been craving for the last 6 months. It is as good as being alone on the rink at 3am with nothing but a street light to show you the net, and nothing but the sound of a stick slapping a puck to break the silence. It is in these moments that I feel whole. I feel at one with the things around me and my Creator. I realize that sounds really hippy-ish but it is true. It is simple, and pure, and I love it.

I was left with the feeling that i want to surf again, but this voice in my head said, "you´re married now, you´re gonna have a job and a wife...and a kid before you know it, and you´re never gonna be able to get away like this again." And i believed that voice to. I believed every word. That is what other people in my life had said to me. Not directly, but they were saying it. Anytime you here someone say, "wow, that is young to be getting married" or "you guys are really young to be married", what they are actually saying is "Wow, i really would have wanted to live more before i shut down and commited to becoming my parents".

So it was with tears in my eyes that i confessed all of this to God and then later to my wife. I don´t want to just give up on things that make me feel alive. I want my passions to be realized. I don´t want to settle. Don´t let the nay-sayers in my life speak truth. Let them be liars and haters, but don´t let them be right. If they are right, then i am done. Emotional shut down. For what is life without dreams?

Kerianne spoke to me that day. And i believe she was speaking with God in her words. She said that life doesn´t end when your married. We both have dreams and she didn´t intend to give up on hers. That was one of the reasons she was hesitant about marriage in the first place. I reassured her that her dreams don´t fall away like sand in the wind when we get married. That´s not what marriage was...it was the opposite. Now she had someone to help her realize those dreams. An assistant, a coach, a fan. And in Kerianne´s words that was the message that came through: "For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you, and not to harm you."

After that conversation i realized that my dreams were important and didn´t need to be swallowed. I also realized that as long as i have Kerianne, I´m living my biggest dream anyway. My cup runneth over.

Costa Rica

So, today i met two travellers. We spent some time talking about both our travels here in Costa Rica. It was amazing to hear how negative some people can be about travelling in a tropical country. The worst day in Costa Rica is probably going to still be better than my best day at work. I don´t want to take travelling for granted because i see it as an opportunity to see the world. To see different peoples, culture, environment & animals. That i think is a priviledge and to expect any country to cater to my expectations of what it should be is just naive. Short blog but that´s all i´ve got to say.

And the funny thing is...

For quite a while now I have been saying that i was going to take a walk to try and spend some time with God. I still haven´t done that, but tonight i found myself talking to my wife about how i felt about God. I really do miss him. I feel that i am about half alive right now, and have been that way for about 6 months. My sad times aren´t as sad, my angry times are not as angry, my joys are not as joyful, and my life....hmm....my life? Well, my life is not as full. Like it is missing something big or important. I feel like somewhere along the way i lost something or was fragmented or walked down a side road because it looked interesting...after a while of choosing interesting looking side roads I forgot why i was even walking, or where I was going in the first place.

So tonight i was thinking about that. I was thinking about how much more alive i feel when I am around Jesus, getting to know him, reading stories about him, thinking about him. I just feel that there is a part of my life that is inaccessable right now. Like I have had my life restricted like a go-cart engine. When i am pursuing my relationship with God I feel more like life is full throttle again...like the feeling you get right after you get smashed by a wave your trying to ride. You`re hurting, but part of you feels happy and satisfied just because you're out there. There is something that feels great about being in the situation where you can get beat up and lose, and a little voice that follows all of the thoughts of regret and 20/20 hindsight that says, "ya...maybe...but at least your out there!". Next thing you know you win one or catch a wave and it confirms that fact that it is worth it to be out there.

That is how it feels. When I am in relationship with Jesus it feels like I am out there...like everything else is just me sitting on the beach talking about what that guy could be doing better and what this guy is doing wrong. That is so easy to do, and some people are right about their observations, but they`re still on the beach...talking. I found myself wanting to feel that alive again tonight. Wanting that peace about being thrashed once in a while that only comes after you ride something out. Not that God is my adrenaline rush. He is the guy that gives you the cool short cut tip, the guy that picks you up and actually makes you believe that you can get back out there, that guy that seems to live with the knowledge that there is something greater out here than what I see. I don't feel that God is withholding this quality of life that i am speaking about back from me, it's more like it is just inaccessible without him. Like going swimming in the bath tub...maybe it'll do but it is a poor substitute for the lake.

So I'm thinking about all of this and really missing God, and I realize that I'm needing love. I'm needing love on my honeymoon...3 weeks after another human being that knows far too much about me to make an uneducated decision has promised to love me for the rest of my life! Kind of weird. But it is not good for man to be alone, right? I agree. Kerianne will never be enough. While i was designed for a relationship with her, it will never make up for a relationship with Jesus. I love her but, she just isn't that person, nor could she be.

At this point it feels pretty hopeless because it has been quite awhile since i have interacted with God. The funny thing is this is how i interact with God. These long thought patterns. The quiet moments when I think about how much i need Him. If that isn't worship, I don´t know what is. So i started the night feeling really distant from God, and through my thinking about how distant we were, he pulls me closer. Because now i don´t feel distant. I don't think that i am "out of the woods" or "back on track", but it is a step in the right direction...it is standing up on the beach and walking toward the ocean again. And it feels good. I have a big smile on my face and a hyper, excited voice in my head saying "Man, I´m in trouble!!!".

This is the first time that I have felt safe in my travels here in Costa Rica/ Panama. I feel at peace. And so I continue in the knowledge that there are beatings to be taken and thrashings to accept, but there will be joys and smiles, laughter and play. I'm ready.

Hahaha....I'm ready.

dreams

So here i sit in Peurto Viejo, Costa Rica, the ocean blowing in on the rocks just outside the door of the little tourist shop I'm in (that happens to have a computer) with a full stomach and mind. Today i spent the day riding a bus to get here, and I was wondering if riding the bus might do everybody a little good once and a while. It seem that the bus creates an opportunity to mull things over. It gives you time to think about stuff that is happening to you in your life. I guess it gives you time to process. It is pretty much like having a limo driver take you everywhere....there is just a lot more people in the limo. So I'm sitting on the bus thinking about life when I realize something. I think about stuff that stresses me out from time to time. Especially in the quiet moments. It is almost as if i cannot get away from the daily grind. The chaos. The infinate distraction. I would be a lot better off if i just sat on the bus and looked around at the beautiful people beside me. Watched the homes go by and wonder what the people in each house are living like, thinking about, dreaming about. That's more like it. That is what i should be doing on the bus. I should be dreaming. I should be thinking about a time when I can relax and not let the pressures of life flood in and ruin the beauty and wonder that one day can hold. I want to dream while I am awake. As i told a friend, "Quit thinking and start living". We let worries cloud our decisions so often. We back away from dreams in the face of "what if's". I think I am going to try to sleep while I am sleeping and dream while I am awake from now on. Not all the time but a little each day, and definitely more than I am worrying. Maybe dreams are the opposite of worries. That is a question for another time. Until then I'll leave you with this:

"dreams are born in the hopes of an awaken man, because those who do not dream, do not know how to live. Wake up and dream"

Stumbled upon something wonderful

So, this morning I was writing a post card to my nephews dylan and dustin. This was my first post card to my nephew dustin. I always write Dylan when I travel somewhere and try to send him unique, amuzing, or meaningful postcards. I was actually writing my nephew Dylan before he was born. This being the first time that i was out of country since dustin was born, I thought it fitting to include him in the tradition, and was excited to do so.

This morning however i was troubled by my feeling disconnected with dustin. I was racking my brain trying to figure out why I felt so connected to Dylan and not dustin. "Well I have had almost 2 years to develop a relationship with Dylan that must be it", I thought, but that wasn't quite cutting it for me. I remembered feeling connected with dylan even before he was born...why don't i feel that way with dustin when he is coming up on 6 months soon?

Then it hit me. I was acting like I loved Dylan before he was even born. Now by acting I do not mean "faking it", I simply mean that my actions were showing that I loved him regardless of what my emotions were telling me. I felt connected with dylan when i first saw him after he was a month or so old... I felt that there was an established relationship with him. And there most defintiely was. Here's the kicker. I taught myself to love dylan through my actions. I thought about getting him post cards, what i was going to write, what i was going to pray....none of it came out of love...it was just something that i wanted to do, but i wasn't moved with passion to do it...i just did cause i thought it might be cool to look at when he got older. But because i was intentionally thinking about him and praying for him, love started to grow. So it wasn't so much love that created my actions but the opposite...my actions created love.

So why don't I feel that connection to my nephew dustin? Because I have not stepped out in action. Not because i didn't care but because i didn't think of it. I didn't think of writing either one of them because i had been in canada for the last 2 years. But now i see that God puts love in our hearts through our actions. I have felt love for people before acting like it as well. SO i do believe that it happens in the reverse... but for some reason or another i just never considered the fact that by acting like i loved someone, I would grow genuine, authentic, and powerful love for them. It may be old news to most of you guys but it is an epiphony for me. The next time I am faced with a situation where i have to deal with someone i don't like and am getting frustrated with them and myself for not being more like Jesus, i will start acting like i love them and watch God make that desire a reality. This is going to be a powerful tool for me. I hope that maybe it might help someone else as well.

honey moon!!!! ... honeymoon?

So here i sit in a treehouse style internet cafe, typing away on a computer. The world has really come a long way. The first little while of the honeymoon here in Costa Rica has been good. We chilled out on a beach for the last 4-5 days and everything was pretty laid back. I think we both needed some down time after the frenzy was over. By the way, God is good. He has blessed us well beyond anything we were thinking through our wedding and we are very, very grateful. In a month I´ll tell you a few of the "coincidences", but for now, honeymoon...or la luna de miel. I´m trying hard to pick up as much spanish as i can while i am here, much to Ker´s annoyance sometimes (i answer her questions in spanish to practice). So far only small gains have been made but i´m getting there.

On a different note, the honeymoon experience is probably not at all what every guy thinks it is. It has been up there for most frustrating experience in my life. For any of my unmarried friends reading this, do not expect the door to be opened wide no holds barred after you get married. It is a slow and ardous process that will drive you nuts if you are eagerly anticipating "leaping like a young calf from the gate". Like everything else this is not something to be rushed...which was a mutual decision of Ker and I, and it wasn´t at all tolerated by me, it was embraced......however, having told myself that i would wait for that day (for almost 25 years) and that i was almost there, almost there, so close hang in there, when i got to that day i guess i subconciously assumed i would never want for anything like that again. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Life is funny sometimes...in a "you just got kicked in the junk" kind of way. Ker has been great about everything! I now know that in reality you do not get married and turn part rabbit. Maybe in the movies, not real life. So once again the learning curve starts, and fortunately Kerianne is an amazing woman and keeps us both laughing about it and in good spirits. Ahhh, la espousa mi amor. I truly have been blessed. Having been one of the first men in my group of male friends to get married, I intend to prophesy unto them, that they may prepare their hearts and minds for that day that awaits all of them. hahahaha, really laying on thick there eh? Ah well, until then PURA VIDA everyone!!!

* pure life

He moves in mysterious ways

So today, among wedding chaos, me and Kerianne went hunting for apartments/basement suites. We called under 10 and checked out about 5 when we stumbled upon what looks like a real gem. It is in a nice neighborhood close to Clearbrook Ave. and is pretty reasonabley priced. We looked at it and talked about it for a brief moment and then took it. It was really what we were after.

I cannot tell you what a huge relief it is to know where we will be living when we get back. God has really been making things happen for us. We were talking about how much weight we were both feeling b/c of our previous plan for a place to live not working out....on top of all the wedding stuff. We were sitting down for lunch and I just asked God to help us find something. SO the last place that we looked at today, kind of on a whim, became our knew home.

Earlier that day when we were running errands, Kerianne found out she was going to have to pay 90 bucks for an eye exam and was not even guaranteed to have contacts for the wedding (which was obviously bothering her). We went to another place not even a block away and BOOM! Ker has free contacts in her eyes, a free eye exam, and a perscription on the way, in plenty of time for the wedding. All b/c outof the corner of my eye i see this sign and say, "hey...is that a place.....what about that place?" The way God has shown up in our circumstances these last 2 weeks has been amazing. I don't know who is praying for us but we feel super blessed. But enough about us....this is about me...it's my blog dangit!!!
My take on the situation....I don't understand sometimes why God is so faithful in certain periods and seems so distant in others. I don't know why God is doing all of this after a summer of me not making time for him. I feel very unworthy, but blessed all the same. Maybe God is blessing the marriage. Maybe God is hearing the prayers of our friends and family. Maybe God is responding to the dependent and helpless state that i am in. Then again, maybe God is just sitting back and saying, "Hey, watch this!".

Who's up for a roller coaster?

So i feel that lately my life has been a series of emotional roller coasters. Throughout each day, I lose my temper with Kerianne one minute and then am gushing over her in the next. Talk about being moody. Wish i had the excuse of PMS....wait, wait.....no I don't. There are a number of logistic problems with the wedding. Me and Kerianne have been clashing in terms of how we deal with obstacles b/c of this. IT has been very educational....and frustrating. But I think that we are going to have a fairly heightened time of emotions for these last 2 weeks. IT's probably normal, but how would i know. One thing i do know is that the only time we clash at all is with wedding stuff. When this day is out of the way (i AM still looking forward to the wedding) it will be beautiful. I can't wait for the wedding to start, but i also can't wait for it to end.

Here's to new beginnings and happy endings.

God's will?

Sometimes i wonder if God's will is something that circumstances make us aware of. TOnight me and Kerianne went and looked at a place that we were intending to stay after our honeymoon. It wasn't exactly what we were expecting. The thing is this place came up just as we starting praying for a place to live. So....if this is God's will for us, shouldn't we have felt a peace about it? Neither of us felt it was really wrong but neither of us felt it was realy right either. So do we suck it up and assume that it is God's will and write off our feelings as insulting to God? Are we looking a gift horse in the mouth here? Or do we keep searching concluding that this isn't a part of God's divine plan, it was merely coincidence? Or do we forego all the dramatics and just find a place we like better? I am learning about being a husband in these last 2 weeks, before we're married. In the sense that We are doing married couple things like looking for a place to live together. It is tough. Kerianne gets stressed about this stuff sometimes and I have to really be the trailblazer in these areas. I think that leaving this as a plan B while we look at as many places as we have time for before the wedding is a good plan. That way we have something to fall back on if we need it. God's will is too mysterious for me. I'll never figure it out. I'll just make the best choices i can, and hope that he is behind me.

character

I have been fairly dissappointed in the effort i have seen from my friends to come to my wedding (This isn't including you jimmy jams so don't even think that....alright...cool). But it is a day when you will need the support of those people that are closest to you, the people that have been there in the past. Thing is, no on ewill ever no how important it is until they are in the same position. You cannot understand what you have not experienced. Hopefully when the shoe is on the other foot, they'll get it. To hear that it has come down to money for people is really disheartening. ESPECIALLY people who don't have a lot of financial commitments right now. I know that money makes the world go round and that it is a reality of life, but my word, if you still live at home, things aren't that bad, sorry. The wedding has exposed some things in my friends that i probably would rather not have known.

And now the big debate: do i speak my mind and run the risk of damaging a relationship or do i say nothing and run the risk of getting bitter and letting crap fester?

The worst part is that I feel like a needy little kid talking about this stuff or getting mad about someone not coming. It is just that i don't see the effort. I see people mulling over and over the same old shite and not actually spending any energy on problem solving or moving towards a solution. Having said that, I am not in these peoples heads. I don't actually know how much effort they have put into trying to be there. I have but mere assumptions. And i know that...but it doesn't make it bother me any less. So I think my plan is to ask if certain options have been thought of/looked into and go form there. If they haven't, then I will keep as much frustration out of it as I can, and just speak the truth about what i feel.
Well, I'm probably not gonna come to any better conclusions than that...got any advice JZ?

friends

It's official... i miss my friends. I'm hopeing that the upcoming wedding doesn't eliminate any and all time for me to visit with them. And yet is that totally selfish? I'm not even sure. I guess the day is supposed to be a celebration...and that is best experienced with the ones you love. Either way I am wondering how much being married will change my relationshipss with my friends. I have friends that got married and then kidnapped and killed in a field somewhere...or at least that is what I am assuming b/c I never heard from them again. I don't want to be one of those guys. I need my friends. Which is funny b/c i am mainly an introvert...and I definitely re-charge in solitude. But once you have been surrounded by a group of really honorable and respectful men/women it is hard to cut yourself off from that. I don't even want to. Me and Kerianne have and understanding about that, and neither one of us want that for one another...that isolation.
I think that my friends could help pull my head out of the fog right now. I could certainly use that. THe swear word of my life, "clarity". Messed up concept that it is, I still need clarity.
What i would really like to do is sit under a street light on a rainy night and watch the orange light bleed onto the pavement, to sit and embrace the silence that a rainy night offers and get centered again...feel whole, or full, or there. To make a picture, a snapshot of my life to look at so I can feel like I am living "in the moment". Just sitting in the rain until i catch up with time, or time catches up with me. That would be good.

reflection

The summer has gone well i suppose. I was a foreman for a treeplanting crew these last 3 months. In the beginning it was really tough to leave Ker again, but we got as much planning and stuff out of the way as we could before i left.
I wanted to go out to the bush for 3 reasons, mainly. I wanted to hang out with some friends that i hadn't seen in a coupleyears, I wanted to cash in on the isolation and peacefulness of my surroundings (that has always brought me to an activity spike in myspiritual journey), and I wanted to make some money for the wedding/honeymoon. Well, i made some money, but 0 for 2 on the first ones. While my friends were hanging out, i was sitting alone in my truck doing paperwork. And for the same reason I had virtually no quality alone time. Every day off was busy and that made it really hard to set aside time for God. This is something that bothered me alot this summer, and b/c I re-charge when i am by myself (not around alot of other people), I spent the summer driving on fumes spiritually. I am pretty drained at this point. But no rest for the wicked. Got to get a wedding ready here.
Only 3 weeks left. My word. Getting freaked about that. Other thant hat the only life canundrum that i have been thinking about is whether I can actually call myself Christian any more.
I think that if someone asked me I would reply, "No, but I am a follower of Christ." I am so sick of everything that Christians are associated with insociety. I don't think that what that word has come to represent in society is anything close to what I believe or what Jesus taught. And i am sick of being lumped in with every dick that was ever in a church and made someone's life crappier for however long a period of time. SO ya, that and I'm wondering how well I actually know Jesus.
For years I have read the bible more like a self help book. Like God is Dr. Phil just trying to help me live my daily life. While I do think these things are in there and the bible is a great tool and guide for living, I don't think Jesus was saying "Cory, the thing you have to know about the rich ruler is...." or " The aspect of theKingdom of heaven that you will best be able to apply to your life today is...". I am starting to think that i have missed a lot about the gospels and the bible in general for that matter. I have always been asking myself, "what is this telling me about my life" when I have been reading the bible. But i think I am going to start asking myself "what is this telling me about God...or where does this fit in the context of the love story of God and humanity?"
That's what is running around in my head lately. Maybe you can make sense of it.

crunch time

So this is my first blog...feeling vulnerable and a little naked. Just kdding. I was told by a good friend that this was a great way to make sense of things sometimes....so I'm just doing this to proove him wrong. Just kidding Jimmyjams! I'll write more later today. just wanted to get this up and running.